A Solo ‘Girls Trip’
Like a lot of people I follow on Twitter, I excitedly awaited the release of Girls Trip, a comedy starring four very talented and funny Black women. The buzz surrounding this movie made me think back to the last time a major studio released a movie about the everyday lives of Black women and our unique friendships. Yes, we had Hidden Figures earlier this year, but Girls Trip is a different movie. The former explored the bonds created by the Black women during their struggles to get recognized for their intellects and ability to help NASA put a man on the moon. Girls Trip, on the other hand, is a movie about Black women just being us: Girlfriends, college graduates, ‘around-the-way’ girls, mothers, and career chasers who’ve become so busy with day-to-day challenges that we’ve forgotten how to have fun. As a single mother, I am guilty of building a life around the needs and interests of my kids. Every once-in-awhile I have to remind myself that I was Monise before I was ‘Mamma’. But I had a different expectation of and experience with Girls Trip.
To be quite honest, I had mixed emotions about this movie because I knew it would remind me of something that’s been lacking in my life for a number of years: Real friendships with a close-knit circle of Black women. And before you assume anything, let me clarify a few things: I am neither difficult to get along with nor have I been an emotional dumper or user in past friendships. I miss being the kind of friend that I have been to others: Someone who calls or texts to see how you’re doing, without waiting for you to finish so that I can bombard you with my problems. One of the things I noticed about the friendships in Girls Trip was that, even though they had all done some foul sh*t at one point, the others would and could call them on it without it ending their friendship. Sure, there were some hurt feelings but each person had time to reflect on their role in the drama and then apologize. Often, in real life, it does not work that way.
In real life, a friend can tell you about a dilemma and you offer advice, only for that friend to say ‘I got this’. Then, that friend comes to you a week or a month later, with the same problem. Being the true friend that you are, you can offer the same advice; you may even add “How many times does this has to happen before you accept the reality?” but your friend will continue the same behavior. Can I be frank here? That sh*t is exhausting. For some of us, it becomes so toxic that we begin avoiding those friends and our interactions become more infrequent. Our friendships get reduced to ‘Happy Birthday’ posts on Facebook and scant “Hey girl! How you doin? I’ve been sooo busy!” texts. I know I am not the only one.
While we celebrate Girls Trip and its celebration of Black women and our unique sisterhood, it’s important to acknowledge that some of us are toxic and have been that sh*tty friend. You may not need to look in the mirror for this one, but I know that I am not the only grown woman who has experienced this. Before you write your own thinkpiece or tweet that of your fave (who may very likely be that kind of friend), ask yourself:
“Have I been the kind of friend I desire to have in my life?”
I am not ashamed to admit that I gave more (emotionally and in other ways) in many of my friendships. As a result, my desire to be friends was depleted.
I am not ashamed to admit that I am somewhat ‘gun shy’ when it comes to making an effort to befriend women.
I am not ashamed to admit that I am working on this. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy treating myself to solo girls trips to movies, dinner, ice cream, and whatever else my heart desires. I am striving to be the quintessential friend to myself because I deserve it. Furthermore, if I set a high standard there’s no chance of me accepting anything less than I deserve.
