Back of the napkin guide to human beings

Saints, Snakes and Sex Offenders

The Four Types You Will Meet in Life

We routinely confuse nice with good, mean with bad. The Saints and Sex Offenders are easy to spot, but we overlook the other two. Separating demeanor from action allows us to see people for who they really are, which could prevent a lot of heartbreak down the road, or let you find someone who actually deserves your time and effort.

Type I: Saints

These people are just lovable all around. Bustling with energy, they laugh at all of your jokes, even those destined to create excruciating silence. They’re not immune to bad moods when life throws stuff at them, but give them an ice cream and they’ll be back to their usual selves.

They tend to be leaders, either within an organization or simply popular within your social group. They lack the ruthlessness of a Hitler or Stalin when managing others, which makes them fret more than needed over pissing off the randoms in the group, but more than make up for it in genuine care for everyone.

They lack the ability to say no, or at least struggle mightly with rejecting invitations to banal sock buying trips. Most importantly, they take the number one rule as gospel: When your friends need you, drop everything and go. If you manage to find one, hold on tightly.

Type II: The Asshole with a Heart

Most often described as savage, they pick apart everyone with unrestrained glee. With a keen eye for human nature, they use the tiniest of details to publicly shame you in front of your best friend, that cute girl with the hipster glasses, and the ten other random drunk groupies.

Polite social conventions were meant to be broken by them for a quick ayyyyy. However, when push comes to shove, they’ll show up when you need them. When you’re rejected by that same girl with the hipster glasses, or you can’t find your phone and need someone to call it, or you’re craving ice cream the third time this week, they’ll put aside their meanness and help unconditionally.

The best way to deal with them is as if they were animals. Professional trainers don’t discourage bad behaviour by punishment, they do so by not giving any reaction. When these people say something truly out of bounds, give them the cold shoulder. The lack of attention jolts them out of their usual protocol, forcing them to reveal their warmer side. Keep them around, they’ll pull the barbs out of their tongue eventually.

Type III: The Snakes

Everyone’s first impression of them: they’re so cool. While not necessarily slick, they have a natural charm that disarms even the smartest of people. Quick to smile yet possessing an impeccable taste in humor, they usually have a vice or two that gives them the broken yet still soldiering on vibe, whether its smoking, hookups, or posting symmetrical black and white photos on Instagram.

They’re the lone wolf, the person everyone knows but doesn’t hang out with, unless in a large gang, where they gravitate towards the other alpha wolves. When you do ask them out, they’ll accept graciously, only to back out at the last minute, or torture you by making you wait for an hour and twelve minutes. So full of wisdom and disappointments, they are the perfect people to talk to when you face your own troubles, only for them to zone out and head back early due to being “tired”.

Gradually you’ll come to realize their loneliness isn’t self imposed, its a collective decision that other people have made after interacting with them personally. Look at their actions, what they do rather than what they say. They can claim to be caring or spew Zen Buddhist quotes, but they can’t fake showing up.

Type IV: The Sex Offenders

One look and its clear: they haven’t touched a member of the opposite sex for a long time. They’re usually not openly mean, but the dark undercurrents shows themselves after a few minutes of conversation. They are forever regaling tales of their exploits, such as the lesbians making out on the carpet in the club, or the darts tournament at the pub, their stories are endless and oh so boring. They seem humorous when you speak to them, and you find yourself contorting your face and vocal chords into a laughing position, but end up feeling drained and craving for meaning afterwards.

What you don’t realise is that you’re only the sounding board for their brilliance. They see nothing wrong in calling you at 3 am for advice on the most mundane of things, but find it offensive if you ask them to wait for 2 minutes. Avoid at all costs, because if you’re seen spending time with them, either you’re a saint, or an idiot. When faced with this type both are not enviable positions to be in.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.