Drug Time

Last night I visited a family friend on his deathbed. He was being given Hydromorphone. “You take this if you’re dying.”

That applied to me in a different way. 
I was dying. Although I never took Hydro, the drugs I took were leading me to the same end.

I shifted from thinking “If we keep this up we’re gonna be on the street in a few months.”

To “I’m going to die if I don’t stop.”

I want to live.

I want to be healthy.

I want to love myself.

I don’t EVER want to put myself in a state where the door to violence is unlocked, never-mind opened.

I love helping other people. I’m glad I realize I can be the best help when I help myself first. Maybe that’s the only way I can really help?

There’s lots of tears right now. I think withdrawal from drugs and withdrawal from my relationship are the biggest contributors.

When someone you love is ripped away from you it hurts like hell.

What do I want to say? I’m alone. I’m not comfortable with that. I want to be. Not like a hermit but comfortable with the man/boy inside me.

There’s too many “If only I had…” right now. I need to shift to “This is what I did… This is what I want to do if the same situation comes up… What can I DO now to make that possible?”

29 days clean. 27 days sober.