Last night I visited a family friend on his deathbed. He was being given Hydromorphone. “You take this if you’re dying.”
That applied to me in a different way.
I was dying. Although I never took Hydro, the drugs I took were leading me to the same end.
I shifted from thinking “If we keep this up we’re gonna be on the street in a few months.”
To “I’m going to die if I don’t stop.”
I want to live.
I want to be healthy.
I want to love myself.
I don’t EVER want to put myself in a state where the door to violence is unlocked, never-mind opened.
I love helping other people. I’m glad I realize I can be the best help when I help myself first. Maybe that’s the only way I can really help?
There’s lots of tears right now. I think withdrawal from drugs and withdrawal from my relationship are the biggest contributors.
When someone you love is ripped away from you it hurts like hell.
What do I want to say? I’m alone. I’m not comfortable with that. I want to be. Not like a hermit but comfortable with the man/boy inside me.
There’s too many “If only I had…” right now. I need to shift to “This is what I did… This is what I want to do if the same situation comes up… What can I DO now to make that possible?”
29 days clean. 27 days sober.