Why do I NEVER want to CONVINCE anyone but doing THIS
Have you ever had someone in your family, your parents, or caregivers often say things like, “We are saying this because we worry about you”?
“We ask you to do this out of concern”, and you never felt like it was a concern but imposing their beliefs onto you? If you had a similar experience in life you might want to continue reading.
Here is the story.
I caught up with a friend on the phone, a few days ago. To make the story short, after brief greetings with each other, we got into an intense discussion. And I had to end the conversation before it got even worse.
To begin with, my friend is a big fan of a book called A Course In the Miracle. He studies it diligently with its workbook, taking voice recording notes etc.
During the conversation, he was very excited to share his experience and breakthrough he had during the day. He was on the tram to somewhere, and there was a drug addict who seemed like to be on full dose and behaved sharply.
People started to be away from that drug addict in case they got hurt, yet not my friend.
And I asked, “Why did you not get away, you could have got hurt”?
His answer was “Well, I was scared but I thought it was a perfect chance for me to implement what I learned from the course”.
He added “ I didn’t want to react with fear by running away, which could trigger that guy even more. The course said everything is the projection of the mind, and we’re here to learn the lesson and forgive one another. So I sat there calmly until I arrived at my stop’.
(ps. I can’t copy his words 100% exactly but this is the idea.)
Then I said “ Well, you need to run or at least keep yourself safe. What’s the point of all these lessons without the presence of your physical body? What’s the point of all this if you hurt or die? You need to protect your physical body first.”
…
(He kept sharing his point of view about why he shouldn’t be running away. And I kept saying he’s got to protect himself first, especially under extreme situations.)
And then I realised something wasn’t going right. I found out my friend was triggered by what I said which is from a place of concern- Real Concern.
No matter how I stressed his safety needs to come first even though for the sake of spiritual practice, all he was doing was defending his beliefs he has about the course.
When I noticed the more I tried to convince the more he would get triggered and so would I by this reaction. So I decided to end the conversation for the time being. And I went into a deep reflection about what had gone wrong here.
“Why my genuine concern would bring such an outcome”?
I was reflecting on the entire process in my journal, and something clicked.
It was imposing my belief without UNDERSTANDING the other. No one was right or wrong here, we both had our “valid” points of view, but a lack of empathy. In fact, my friend is a gentle soul who is spiritually aware of many things than the average people that I know of.
I tried to convince him of what I deemed the most crucial with his spiritual practices without understanding his excitement of having had his breakthrough from fear. And vice versa, he didn’t understand why I was concerned because he was busy defending his beliefs.
How ironic…
Many people closely tie their beliefs to their sense of self and identity. When their beliefs are challenged, it can feel like a personal attack, leading to defensiveness. And that’s one of the reasons which cause conflicts between religions.
And I don’t know if you’ve had similar experiences during childhood or growing up. Your parents or caregivers imposed what they believe to be good/true unto you.
For example, “ You should become a doctor because all our family members are doctors”.
“You must go to college because I wasn’t able to when I was your age, even though I wanted to.”
“You should find a stable job then you won’t have to worry about your future” etc.
If you reason them, the answer is usually “ Well, we’re only saying it because it is good for you”.
“I’m only doing it because I’m worried about you” etc.
If you live your entire life the way your parents/caregiver said it’s good for you, in reality, you’re burning and tortured inside.
Would you still appreciate your parents/ caregivers who said they did all this out of “concern”?
The answer might be a Yes or No. But it doesn’t matter.
In fact, in most cases, things the parents/ caregivers do for their kids are out of genuine care or concern. But it doesn’t necessarily make their kids happy. They aren’t happy with their lives following the “right path” that their parents paved for them.
If you’re one of those kids, would you be happy?
If you wanted to play video games for a while after school but you were asked to study. Would you feel you were loved?
The point is not really about happiness or love in this topic, even though they are extremely crucial in our lives. But imposing one’s own beliefs without understanding the other is what I want to address.
It may bring a desired outcome for one side but would usually leave the other with their needs unexpressed or unmet. It not only applies to parenting but any relationships we have in our day-to-day lives.
I was concerned about my friend’s extreme practice of his spiritual studies. Yet it is also his choice to do whatever he likes with his body/spirit even though it can be dangerous. I cannot change him by forcing him instead things could be different when we understand each other.
A lesson to be remembered.
And here are some questions to remind you…
Do you understand your children?
Do you understand your parents?
Do you understand your partner?
Do you understand your friends?
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