How Much Can Marital Rape Be Justified?
Let’s know HER story before getting to the facts.
She told its okay. She said it is how it is supposed to be. Throughout my whole childhood, I saw my Mama always love me like no other. I love her carefree laugh, how she took care of me when I was sick with fever, how she dressed me on festivals. Yet, this, whatever she was telling made me feel like the whole world was swirling. I was confused. I was not comfortable. I didn’t feel right; I didn’t feel good about myself. How was she able to tell me “it’s okay”?
Something wrong with me? What did I do? Maybe I should have talked about this to my best friend, Priya. She was always the smartest in college; she could have a better solution. But, No. I couldn’t do that. How could I? We all know what happened to Sheila when she was caught with a boy at her home, when her parents weren’t there. No way, I would want anyone to be treated the way how everyone treats her, how she always sat alone like she doesn’t exist. Of course, I know that she was in love. But not everyone knows that, or believes that.
It’s just that I don’t like it. I am sure I didn’t like it. But, Mama says that it all happens in a marriage. Rohan, this so called person is my husband. I always thought marriage is complicated, I grew up seeing my parents having quarrels over small things, and go way back to the things which happened before I was born. But, whatever Rohan is doing with me doesn’t seem that easy, I just can’t describe it or talk about it. When I tried talking about it with him, he too says “it’s okay” like how Mama says.
What is going on in the whole world? Why is everyone saying the same “it’s okay”, when I am actually trying to say that I don’t like something, I don’t feel like doing anything. I don’t feel happy, I feel trapped. Rohan seemed to be better as a person. Yet, I felt exploited.
He comes home everyday, he watches some sports on television. He then asks me for dinner. Everything seems normal. Due to some complications we didn’t have children till now. Still, even after 5 years of marriage, I didn’t feel this at home. We go to bed, and he would suddenly change from “Normal-Rohan” to “Angry Rohan”. I get confused. Till then, he seems to be in a normal mood. But then, acts psychotic, right when he is in bed with me and I am naked. I felt like crying, but I control it. I couldn’t let him know that I am abnormal. I wasn’t sure about who was on the wrong side. He might feel, I am a bad wife. I had to try more to make him happy, that’s what Mama says. I simply couldn’t put it into words on how hurt I was, how I was bleeding for days when he first behaved that way. I am an adult, I know enough that married couples have intimacy and stuff. Only if I could talk about this with Priya, maybe she would understand. It has been days I have been trying to talk to someone other than Mama, but NO. I just couldn’t.
One day, I was reading the news after Rohan left for his office. There was a whole page about Marital Rape. I read about it for the first time. Marital rape is something about the One having sex with their own spouse without their concern. I read about the victims who were mostly women and suffered like me. Sex is a very intimate act and both man and woman must have some form of connection to actually do it. It is an action of love, not anger. Of course, everything makes sense. Of course, Rohan was torturing me, forcing himself by acting out of blue and psychotic. I should have realized that when he crossed his limits and played with my body with other things like pen, pencil, etc. For the first time, I didn’t feel like I was alone. There are people.
That is how I came to discover about Marital Rape being legal. Supposedly, many men believe that they own a woman when they marry her. That was what even Rohan believed. That is why I felt exploited. The fact that all my feelings were right, that nothing is wrong with me, came as a huge relief with me along with the fear of not understanding what to do next.
I ended up surfing the internet till dinner time. I ended up not cooking dinner for Rohan, we ordered from a restaurant. Then, I noticed that we don’t talk much. I really don’t know Rohan, what he likes, what he actually wants, I know nothing. We actually don’t know each other. He isn’t even bothered about why I couldn’t make dinner today. All he wanted was dinner, and he ordered it. Our marriage was a disaster. And I couldn’t let this happen. That was when I rejected Rohan on bed for the first time. He was confused for a few seconds, and then told his usual dialogue “It’s okay, come on”. When I resisted more, he got more furious. We sat and I then explained him about my feelings, how bad our marriage turned out. “But, you are my wife,” he said. That was all he had to say after my long conversation. I still could see that look, that frustration on his was which came from his daily work and he showed it by hurting me. He was not actually understanding how exploited I felt.
This was how I left my “It’s-Okay-Husband”.
Mama, I don’t think I can ever feel home with you too. You were a woman yourself. Minimum I expected was your understanding. I can never come back to you too.
I had to forget every home I ever had till now, to build a better one for my own future. I had no place to go to, no job to earn and yet I am confident.
I had to…..
“She’s probably afraid you’ll turn out like her and be married to someone you can’t stand.”
― Jennifer Brown
Why I didn’t mention HER name is because that is the story of 90% of married women. According to documents, the first marital rape was reported in 1736. Not everyone gets married that way, at least not in western countries. Not everybody has the same story, yet knowing the about marital rape is something we are all afraid to accept. This is a story considering a regular Indian Girl. Surprisingly, there are parts of the story which many girls experience despite love marriage or marriage with consent. There are thousands of different kinds of stories among victims, all of them deal with emotions, the feeling of betrayal and exploitation along with not understanding why it happens.
I am an optimistic person, so I believe that such problems could be dealt by sitting and talking. But, it need not be an option for every other woman out there. Of course, men might think they can dominate, they can rule and they can show their work frustration on his Woman. It is definitely wrong, but it would be more wrong to not talk about it clearly with them, to not give chance and finally tell it was his entire mistake. Most of them who would be reading this would be educated, and this is not something necessary to tell, but there are people who back down themselves, who don’t know that they can come out, they suffer alone.
According to the law in India, a man cannot be prosecuted for marital rape. Many countries still accept brutal abusive marital rape as legal. I don’t understand, neither do many others, why all of it happens in spite of many actually praying to Goddess in India, and having many things about respecting women in Christianity in the later part of marriage. Things seem impossibly horrible, where certain rules, a certain concept of growing up knowledge varies entirely when you actually grow up. There is absolutely no need to go beyond the law, at least for most of the cases. Peace is something we all want, critical thinking does help.
Best thing anyone in Marital Rape situation can do is, to analyze the options based on the kind of person they are with. If there is domestic abuse, going legal is a necessity. It goes round and round, just stay safe and strong.
“As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler; Solitude will not be solitude, poverty will not be poverty, nor weakness weakness. “ -Henry David Thoreau.
***Inspired fictional story of a real life situation from: https://www.yourtango.com/I-Didnt-Realize-My-Husband-Was-Raping-Me
