My roller coaster ride. The amount of Pain Ive never tasted before. It just gets worse…

Misery trip A

My first full-time job last year taught me how to be independent and i swear it feels so good to have power (Money) in your hands. But of-course back then i couldn’t do it without a boyfriend so when relationship fails i turn to alcohol on a daily basis. Not being able to go by a day sober as the pain was too overwhelming.

First was being fucked over by my then bf.

Second was i didn’t know i was lied to/cheated on for one whole year by an ex, Only to find out when one of the ladies came flaming me without hearing my side and believed that liar. We then talked it out and she finally knew i was a victim but yeah the fake information that was used to flame me is still up there in her social media.

Misery Trip B

Afterwards,I fell in love with my current boyfriend ❤ i had my first Ectopic pregnancy and i became jobless for more than six months, being jobless really crushes your morale and mental being. Ive never felt so hopeless and useless that i hate my very being. It made me a very narrow minded person, risking my life as and when i want. All i wanted was to die. After my jobless/hopeless phase, i was asked if i am interested to bring La Marelle back up and i agreed.

Misery Trip C

Then, i found out i was pregnant. I felt so blessed that i have a little angel in me and life just got to remind you to go back to reality. Things went ugly. I remembered all the disgust and hate i felt towards the people around me.

When storm kind of calmed down, i finally get mutual agreement(s)to keep my baby. That is when my second Ectopic pregnancy happen.

During My first Ectopic pregnancy, my left Fallopian tube was removed. So when the Second Ectopic pregnancy happened i thought my right side would be removed too because i was bleeding too much that the doctors and Scan showed that my right side was probably the cause. To be told that ill have no Fallopian tube, all sorts of fear filled my mind. I looked forward so much to hold Micah (my lil baby) i wanted to give him my all, i felt like he can be my pillar and my very reason to not give up on life.

I was unable to cry from the thought of it because i couldn’t breath with all the blood that is filled up to my lungs. I became negative and start saying i lost my faith in god. Ive cleared and repent for my sins, ive been doing what i can to spread love.

My bestie visited me before my OP saying that ‘ believe, believe in god’ my heart was broken in to pieces knowing that i so easily lost faith in god. I was disappointed in myself. I didn’t want to blame god, i just got to have someone to blame. Else i don’t know what to do….

Thankfully i have my family/boyfriend, sharrad, vernon ,kathy, cousin/beloved relative and my bestie.

I realized i was being self-centered back when i was empty/hating every single thing and all i say is no one cares about me. Technically i forget what they have done for me.

Through all these shit, i take it as a life lesson. I see life so differently now and the occurrence of the thoughts that used to make me feel hopeless about life , is not so frequent now. I deal with setbacks slightly better than before because the problems that i went through just gets even more dire. It started with a common sadness then it involved my life and death twice. Feels like the problems that were bringing me down back then were so small.

Also, one thing i’d to share with everyone is ‘ you may have it tough, you are entitled to feel sad and angry but its certainly not right to hurt the ones around you via neglecting/being disrespectful/be less thoughtful/ not showing concern’

By the way, now i am jobless again!! WOOhoo!!! I better do something about it. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. If it helped in anyway, i would be really happy.