REWRITING YESTERDAY

Nnamdi Ohachenu
Nov 6 · 2 min read

Over time we learn that every decision we’ve made in the past was for a purpose. It meant something. It was something and it wasn’t pointless. Of course until you can’t clear the question mark on one decision.
Slowly I find my mind drifting back in time. Suddenly wishing I walked slower, or decided to not leave the house that night. I wish i was rude and had a hauty demeanor. I wish i was unapproachable. I wish that however likeable I was, there would be an ease with shutting people out. I wish i wasn’t too trusting. I wish we never met.

All these thoughts run through my mind because the writing on the wall screams FOOL at me. It is judging me, and rightly so. I spent all that time lying to myself, buying false pretenses. I wasted time I’d never get back, losing myself in the process, breaking all rules and loving a stranger I could have sworn I knew like the back of my hands.

I try not to be hard on myself. “Poor judge of character”. Hmmm that’s an excuse. It’s also bullshit because I was warned. My instincts wanted me to tread cautiously but I was blinded by the dreams of a teenager. Wishing and praying that much later in life a “someone” would waltz in at the right time for the right reasons.

There’s no purpose to it… Not anymore. I don’t see any point saying I fell in love because I only have pain and misery to show for it. Some of us make a mockery of love. A heart battered to the point that I feel only pity for the fool that expects me to feel something, anything! Now I question everything including myself.

This isn’t your happily ever after story. It is a cautionary tale of what life can be when you let the devil in the disguise of an innocent smile, geeky glasses and boyish charm, to come in and leave you unhinged. A prayer for everyone watching their promise like shards of glass on the floor; May we all be reminded one way or another that when the dust settles and the wild ocean becomes still, we will always have us. Amen.

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