Sex and the Modern Mom: Logistics, Schedules and Intimacy
We all know the stories about finding “the one”. There’s candy and roses. You are perfectly in sync and each night is ecstasy complete with mood music and soft lighting. You fall in love and walk down the aisle to spend your lives together. But what about after the wedding night? What does that look like? Amy Poehler’s new memoir candidly addresses the challenges of intimacy in marriage and that for many of us it comes down to making yourself make time for sex with your spouse, even when you’re tired. While some are bemoaning this advice, I have to say “Amen”.
I remember the early days when I first met my wife and we were steaming up the car when we said goodbye or cancelling plans with friends to stay in. It was all exciting and frankly, easy. Almost ten years and two kids later, things have changed. With the many blessings came the complicated reality of juggling kids and jobs and life and our marriage. Sex is sometimes difficult to factor into the equation.
It isn’t about the seven year itch or a wandering eye. I still think she is smart, funny and very sexy. It has nothing to do with desire. It is simply a matter of fatigue and logistics. We recently had a whole discussion about scheduling sex and whether it would be better to try the night time when I am generally exhausted but the kids are asleep or the morning when I am awake but we could hear “Mama” or “Mommy” from down the hall and have to put a pause button on the whole thing any minute.
Scheduling is not a sexy term, but it is a reality in the life of many busy parents. You wouldn’t always know it from watching the television portrayal of moms. One of my favorite Thursday rituals after the kids are all tucked in is to watch “Grey’s Anatomy”. I recall when Meredith had just had a baby, lost all her pregnancy pounds in one episode and started whining about a week going by since she and Derek had sex. It was annoying and frustrating. I, too had just had a baby and as I struggled to make peace with the changes in my body I also had a tough time finding the energy for sex. It was not always at the top of my long list of priorities. I often felt like I was not seeing this very real challenge in pop culture or in the mommy forums I sought out for support. That’s why I appreciate a celebrity putting it all out there.
I love my wife. I want to make our marriage work. Anyone who is married or has been married knows that it actually takes a lot of work. That is not necessarily a bad thing, but it is a reality. It takes work when you have so much going on that sometimes your only full sentences to each other until late in the evening revolve around groceries and diapers and daycare pick-ups. It takes work when they leave their socks on the floor or wadded up paper towels by the sink and when they are the person it is easiest to snap at after a long day.
People talk about date nights to give couples time to have real conversations. There are countless books about communication and understanding so we don’t yell if we roll the toothpaste tube the wrong way — or the right way depending on your point of view on this topic. So why can’t we admit that it takes work to cultivate and maintain your sex life?
You don’t see porn — feminist or otherwise — where someone looks across the dinner table, wipes drool from their baby’s chin and then cuts to the parents getting it on. It is as if not only marriage is not sexy, but motherhood even less so. Sure more evenings than not we end up falling asleep on the couch, but not every night and that is not the whole story.
We need role models — images and plot lines and candid discussions about the challenge of being a mom and a wife, of being exhausted but not wanting to give up my sex life. That means that sometimes if a miracle occurs on a Saturday afternoon and both the kids are sleeping even though my first instinct is to go take a nap, I may wink and nod at my spouse instead and head up the stairs for a little less restful time in the sack.
It is important to make time to be intimate because it is part of us, of our love and desire to be with each other and part of the connection that bonded us. It is important to me to make time for sex because I don’t want to let that part of myself go. But the reality is that doesn’t always mean love songs and being swept off my feet. Sure we sometimes light a candle or find a romantic Pandora station, but there are also times when I yawn, rub the sleep out of my eyes and commit to my wife and to myself and to making time for intimacy.
People can say what they want to about Poehler’s comments. I say thank you. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for your candor. Thank you for making me feel like even if our sex life might not be spicy enough for Cinemax that we are doing ok. As for her comment that you might not make it to the finish line every time, I will respectfully disagree. Because when I schedule something, I make sure to get the task done!
