Lately, I am seeing a lot of couples posting about how they are ‘expecting’. They do fun things, like taking a picture of the two of them, then a pair of baby shoes next to them. Or they’ll even go so far as to post the sonogram, revealing an up close and personal view of their baby. When I see these posts, of course I click ‘like’. If I have talked to them within the last two years, I’ll even leave a comment, maybe a “Congrats” or a “So happy for the two of you!” I grit my teeth and smile, because behind this facade,, I am hurt. And I am very envious of their fortunes.
I myself have never really had the desire to have kids. I just never saw it in the cards. However, you know what they say — you always want what you can’t have.
Yeah, that has been me for the last few months. Doctor’s appointment after doctor’s appointment.Different tests, but all the same results. “Morgan, you can’t have children.”
A smack in the face. I’m stunned.
Of course the anorexic in me is silently cheering, “yay, you won’t get fat, your body won’t change, I can still control you.” Ed think he has won, that this news will cause a setback, a relapse if you will. However I’m determined to not let that be the case.
At first, I kept this to myself. I actually kept it from my husband, and of all the people in the world, he’s the one I tell everything to. I didn’t want anyone to pity me, or really anyone to think that I had failed, yet again.
My husband and I recently traveled home to Kansas to visit with relatives and friends. Since we are newlyweds, obviously the most popular question we got was, “When are you two planning to have kiddos?” We sit there, and my husband grabs my hand. He knows my heart just fell into my stomach. Over and over again, a punch to the gut. Of course there is no fault to anyone who asks; it’s an innocent question, but I can’t help but wonder, how do other women feel being asked this, when they have gotten the same news as me?
When I told my family, the first words out of their mouth were, “I’m so sorry,” followed by a long hug. The act of touch is said to help in situations like these, but for me it just made me want to die. They try their best to comfort me, but so often I feel numb.
Adoption is another word that gets tossed our way when we tell people what’s going on. My husband was adopted by an amazing man he gets to call dad, and I know we would make remarkable parents.
But maybe this is a sign that we should be a little selfish, and focus on just the two of us for now. Enjoy life and the little things, travel to exotic countries, take a weekend getaway just because, adopt a crazy amount of dogs and sleep in on all our Saturdays off together.
Aside from the pregnancy topic, there’s another thing that I’ve slowly began noticing since being with and living with my husband, day to day. We’ll get asked, almost every time we are out to eat, or to get drinks, or just walking through the damn park, if we are ‘together.’ I never knew that going into this relationship with the love of my life, in 2017, that we would deal with the stress and judgments of being an interracial couple. It’s something I never even thought about before. Like for god sakes, a brown man and a white woman couldn’t possibly be together. How crazy of them?
I get so angry when we get asked this question, but my husband just sighs and moves on from it. The strange looks we get from passerby’s don’t seem to bother him a bit. And it’s not that the looks bother me — it just pisses me off that people are so dang closed minded. I actually feel sorry for those people, because they clearly do not know what it is like to be in love. To find that one person that they can call their best friend, soul mate, better half, love of your life, and whatever else you can think of.
I luckily have found that person, and no matter if he was blue, pink, green, black, brown, white, purple or gray, love knows no color. Especially my love. I see only people, and to me that is beautiful.