To the Ex that said No One Else Would Want to Deal With Me.
Dear Mr. Perf(ex)t
I just want to start this off by saying, this is not going to be me bashing you, because at one time, you were my world. You were a very big part of my life, we made many amazing memories and I was so totally, and entirely in love with you. You made me the woman I am today, and helped me through some terrible times. I truly do not know where I would be without you. But like many “first real relationships” it ended. It wasn’t a clean break, there was a lot of getting back together and hooking up… But we finally did go our separate ways. In one of our last big fights, you said something that has stuck with me.
You said, “You will never find someone who will want to deal with you, and I did. So good luck.”
Well, Mister Ex, thank you for saying this. At the time, I’m not going to lie, I was entirely devastated, and believed you. I know that I’m a handful and emotional and crazy at times. And you had no problem making that point clear to me, clear enough that I believed I would never find anyone else that would love me again. For the longest time, I pushed men away, closed my heart out, thinking I was wasting their time, and that eventually they “wouldn’t want to deal with me.”
But because of those very words, and through my actions of pushing men away, I found myself guarded, not as quick to love someone or let someone love me. Again, sounds depressing, and for the most part it was. But I knew I was safe. No one was going to hurt me. (Except you) After all, they would eventually realize “they couldn’t put up with me.”
Then, the most beautiful thing happened… I met a man who had been through similar life situations. He saw through the rough walls I had built and knew that somewhere, inside the coldness I had been projecting, I had the potential to be someone that he could love. Now, don’t be fooled, I pushed him away. I TOLD him time and time again, “please, trust me when I say I’m a mess, and you don’t want to deal with me.” But he fought back. He insisted to let him see the dark corners of my soul that I had even hid from myself. The secrets and the tragedies and yes, the heartbreaks that had slowly made me a hard and bitter person After poking and prodding, little by little. I let him in.
But because of your words, I found someone that I KNOW wants to deal with me. He knows I’m a mess and a handful. He knows it all, the undivided raw truth that is my life; and yet, here he is. He’s crazy about my crazy. He’s crazy about ME. And I don’t have to pretend to be anything I am not. I’m a tattoo stained, beer drinking, sarcastic and emotional, college student who likes to do things that aren’t all fit for a “basic white girl” He wants to deal with ME. For exactly who I am.
So thank you, to my first love, and my first heartbreak, for making me a girl that was “hard to handle” and “hard to get”. Because of you, I found someone who doesn’t see me as a psycho burden, but instead, a rare blessing.
Your beautiful messy ex