Talk about getting married has me dreaming about tulle. Lots and lots of tulle. And a fascinator. Besides, how hard can it be to pull a bridal look together anyway? YEAH, RIGHT!

February 4, 2017 — I’m circling LaGuardia waiting for Mario’s plane. The traffic is a nightmare because of construction at the airport. I’m bumper to bumper and involved in a heated Facebook exchange about politics and the recent immigration ban. Mario messages me that *maybe* I’m a tad worked-up. I want to throat-punch the traffic cop who keeps whistling at me to move the car. @*#$%! Ok, maybe I’m a *tad* worked-up… Mario finally makes it to the car and we zoom to my house. We start to cuddle and just as he kisses me BAM. BAM. BAM. The construction guys doing renovations next door decide to get loud. #citylife

We start talking about wedding planning. I order a few cute things on my phone from Modcloth: a couple dresses and a fascinator. “Those things have a name?” Mario says, pointing to the feather headpiece. “Of course! I think I only know about them because the Brits wear crazy headgear for various events — it’s in all the movies,” I tell him. I figure I can return it, but I need to start somewhere. Besides, I’m dreaming about tulle. Lots and lots of tulle paired with a fascinator. I think I can order a couple dresses and find the best fit without leaving my house. How hard can it be to pull this together? (Editor’s note: YEAH RIGHT!)

Because of the case-load at my office, I’m​ in the middle of looking for extra office space to expand my business from a Queens-based location to include Manhattan. There are so many choices and price points. I drag Mario around town to several offices to compare. We make it through the sales pitches and after three office viewings we are exhausted. The last office is next to Grand Central, so we pop over to The Smith for drinks. We loiter at the bar and then decide to eat dinner there. I have visions of us out on the town once we are married. We are seated next to an older couple. They are chatting and looking cute in a way that gives one the sense that they have managed to figure this shit out and still stay happily married. This gives me hope.

The next morning we get up early because I’ve been asked to speak at the Astoria School Symposium. Parents trying to navigate the city’s complexities of daycare and school are standing room only. I meet some interesting parents and share some laughs. Events like this are one reason this neighborhood is so great.

Afterwards, we head out to Flushing where I impress him with my knowledge of secret dumpling locations. Then we head to a super bowl party at a lawyer’s​ house. Christi is an immigration and family attorney that I met through Facebook. She takes a chance on inviting us to her annual party. Her FB party invite had a thread about dressing up 1950s theme. I am 100% in favor of some cosplay action. Mario, not so much. But someone on the invite page hinted that he dressed up one year and no one else did. With that in mind, we wear jeans. It’s a blast. (But, I nearly died when I tried the spicy chili).

Mario heads back to Florida and my first shipment of wedding “stuff” arrives, including the fascinator. I’m very uncertain about the fascinator.

I need opinions:

Ok, so my Mom is into it. Maybe it isn’t bad?

I need a male opinion, so of course I try my ex-husband.

He tells it like it is:

Great. A pigeon is fighting my head.

I also got my first very very tulle dress. I try it on: so fluffy that I feel like a marshmallow that exploded in the microwave. Sorry folks, no pictures. Nothing to see here! (Actually, I think I was so horrified that I dropped my phone.) No — this is not what I was imagining. This dress makes me wider than a door-frame! Besides, we want to have an intimate, simple ceremony at the courthouse in Manhattan. I’ve always heard that sometimes you really *think* you want a particular dress and then when you get it on the experience is less than. Goodbye tulle dream-dress-turned-nightmare!

And as I stand here in a fluffy monster dress with a dead-pigeon attacking my head, I remember my friend Sarah told me she never thought she’d have a lace dress, but when she tried hers on it was a perfect fit for her wedding. I decide I’ll just try “some stuff” and see if anything works.

Please tell me something will work!