An Angel Made Me Do It!
Angel with a Flaming Sword: Introducing the Mormon Zodiac Signs (Part 3 of 8)
Have you ever wondered why an angel would need a sword? Couldn’t they just smite your ass with the power of God or something? And why would the sword need to be on fire? Maybe just for intimidation? To cauterize your wounds so they can stab and slice you over and over again until you finally die a horrible death many hours later? I don’t know. Pray about it.
We really don’t know why, and maybe that’s okay. It’s what faith is for, right? Not every mystery is meant to be revealed to us — God works in mysterious and sometimes really shitty ways. Like, have you read the Old Testament? At least God has calmed down a bit since then, because He used to be mean!
Another mystery we don’t really understand is polygamy. We don’t know why, but we know it was super important for Joseph Smith to restore it, so God sent an angel to command him to take additional wives. Then God sent another angel. And finally, God sent an angel with a flaming sword to show Joseph that shit was going to get real if he didn’t get himself some more damn wives wives!
God meant business! And it was time for Joseph to get down to it! (But he wasn’t happy about it, okay?)
She wasn’t 14, She was “Several Months Shy of Her 15th Birthday”
One faith promoting polygamy story is that of Helen Mar Kimball. It’s “faith promoting” because there’s literally no way to wrap your head around the story using logic. Cue the faith promoting piano music.
Once upon a time in 1843, there was a girl who was “several months shy of her 15th birthday” named Helen Mar Kimball. Her father, Heber C. Kimball, promised his teenage daughter to Joseph as a way of purchasing salvation for himself and his whole family. (Who knew that teenage girls were Celestial currency?)
Helen thought plural marriage was wrong, but she trusted her father. Even though she didn’t want to marry Joseph, and even though it broke her mother’s heart, she pushed forward in faith and became one of Joseph’s many teenage brides. See? “Faithful story”.
Does that story make any logical/moral sense? Hell no! She was 14 years old, and she was used like a sweaty five-dollar bill to buy guaranteed front row tickets into Heaven for her entire family. But if you don’t want God to think you’re prideful, you better accept that it was His will.
Attribute Emphasis: Physical
Angels with Flaming Swords are fetchin’ cool! In the scriptures they are a symbol of God’s power, and they are a powerful zodiac sign. “Angels” are sexy. They are top-notch athletes and supermodels. They are passionate about exercise, great food, and amazing sex. They love life and expect to have a good time. Self-confident and attractive, Angels are able to unite people and turn enemies into quick friends.
When it comes to conflict, Angels shouldn’t sweat the small stuff. A drawn sword is a symbol of power, but can also make you look like a prick.
Strengths:
Angels are smokin’ hot, athletic, persuasive, passionate, and confident. They are especially good at guarding fruit trees* and enforcing plural marriages.**
Weaknesses:
Angels can be arrogant, self-centered, inflexible, and aggressive.
Zodiac Dates: May 6th — June 20th
This is basically wedding season, and the time of year to celebrate the physical aspect of your humanity — the “pleasures of the flesh”. Whether it’s your first wife or your 50th, this is the most popular time of year to tie the knot. In Utah, temperatures are starting to heat up, and hormone levels are on fire.
Day of the Week: Wednesday
Wednesday is right in the middle of the workweek, so it’s often called “hump day”. As in, you’re over the hump and the rest of your week will be downhill. Or the week is half over so who gives a hump about the rest. It could also just mean having sex. According to Jemaine Clement (Flight of the Conchords), “Wednesday is the day to make love because there’s nothing good on TV, and conditions are perfect”.
If this is Your Zodiac Sign
If you are an Angel, you know that you’re a fine physical specimen, but the people around you can forget how hot you are, so you might need to remind them occasionally. Run your fingers through your hair, examine yourself in the mirror incessantly, and make sure to pout your lips — like a duck-face. If you start feeling down, definitely look to others for validation, because that’s the solution. Try wearing less clothing or acting like a whiny bitch; if you’re really upset, look for someone to punch in the face.
Reference in Mormonism:
* After Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, God decided to guard the other important fruit tree, the “Tree of Life”. Who best to guard it? An angel with a kick-ass flaming sword, that’s who! (Gen 3:24, Moses 4:31)
** Joseph Smith didn’t want to practice polygamy, but an angel with a flaming sword made him do it. (Life of Heber C. Kimball, p.321–325)
