Are You Saying Chuck Norris is Mormon?

Mason Proxy
Aug 22, 2017 · 5 min read

3 Nephites: Introducing the Mormon Zodiac Signs (Part 1 of 8)

No, Chuck Norris is not Mormon. For the most part. I’ll explain in a minute, but first, a few Chuck Norris jokes to get us started!

  • Chuck Norris doesn’t flush the toilet — he scares the shit out of it.
  • Chuck Norris has a diary. It’s called the Guinness Book of World Records.
  • Chuck Norris once peed in the gas tank of a diesel truck. They call it Optimus Prime.
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris is pretty epic. He learned Kung Fu from Bruce Lee, for Chuck’s sake! But what most people don’t realize is that Chuck Norris bears striking resemblance to the 3 Nephites. And because of this, he tends to get the credit whenever one of the 3 Nephites does something epic or miraculous — which is like, all the time, obviously. (They were blessed by Jesus (JESUS) to live forever and perform epic miracles, so.)

Who Are the 3 Nephites?

The Nephites are the good, white-skinned guys in The Book of Mormon. When Jesus came to the Americas (which he definitely did) he delivered the same sermons that he did in the Bible, almost word for word, and chose twelve apostles just like he did in the Holy Land.

When Jesus was finished setting up his church in ancient America, he asked if the apostles had any wishes he could grant them. (Did I mention that the apostles were all Nephites? Well, they were, and three of them wanted to live forever, or at least until Jesus would return to the Earth -the “Second Coming”.*

So how powerful are these 3 Nephite guys? Here’s a list for you:

  • They can’t die
  • They’re impervious to pain
  • Prisons can’t contain them, or they’ll “rent [it] in twain”!
  • They’re fireproof
  • They can tame wild beasts
  • They’re invisible in plain sight if they choose to be
  • They are invincible to Satan’s powers*

Pretty God damn powerful! Like, “Chuck Norris” powerful. Or should I say, “Chuck Norris wishes he was one of the 3 Nephites” powerful!

Because of how epic the 3 Nephites are, there are all kinds of Mormon folklore stories about them. They’re some of the best campfire stories, and there’s absolutely no way to know which ones are made up. How could you know? Is there really any limit to what these guys are capable of?

Is it any wonder why Chuck Norris is so epic? He’s got 3 God-like dudes that look like him running around doing crazy powerful shit that he gets credit for.

Attribute Emphasis: Career

“3Nees” like to live and plan for the long term. They’re masters of their vocations and are known for getting shit done. They’re always working on ways to get better at what they do, and are usually either climbing the corporate ladder or inventing their own ladder to outdo themselves. Career, business, and strategic optimization “turn them on” — in fact, that is hot bedroom talk for 3Nees.

They also work well in group projects, especially teams of three. They could literally work until the cows come home, or the second coming of Jesus — whichever comes first.*

3Nees tend to live in the future and miss out on the here and now. They need to drop their hard-ass attitude and spend time with the ones they love. Smell the roses, enjoy a sandwich, and have a coffeeDiet Coke.

Strengths:

3Nees are cooperative, organized, patient, charitable, and live amazingly long lives.

Weaknesses:

3Nees are restless and obsessed with work. They are addicted to fast food, sugar, and buying worthless shit as a form of therapy.

Zodiac Dates: August 6th — September 20th

A good time of year to “get to work”. This is the time of year when school starts up and kids are all getting back into their school work, learning and training for their careers. It’s also the time of year that people are finished with vacations and getting back into the grind of their work.

Day of the Week: Monday

Monday is the day you start a new job. It’s also the day to jump back into work (or school) after the weekend. If you’re a 3Nee, this is your luckiest day of the week. What better day to schedule a meeting at work? What better day to start that group project at school? 3Nees don’t get a “case of the Mondays” — they live for Mondays, and kick them in the ass every week! Mondays get a case of the “3 Nephites”!

If This is Your Zodiac Sign

If you are a 3Nee, you probably already know that you’re damn good at your work, but remember that there’s always room for improvement. Don’t limit yourself to the field you’re currently in if it’s not fulfilling you — try a variety of things you haven’t thought to try. Take on a hobby or side business. Try spending some extra time with your friends and family. There’s an old mantra “Work hard, play hard”, but I’ll help you with another one: “Learn to RELAX, dammit!”

Reference in Mormonism:

* Jesus granted 3 Nephites their wish to live until his second coming. (3 Nephi 28:30–31)

Numerous folklore stories over the years that have become a type of Mormon urban legend: “All of a sudden, there were these 3 muscular dudes… blah blah, saved the day, and then they were gone.”

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Originally published at mormonzodiac.com on August 22, 2017.

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Mason Proxy

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"Re-restorer" of the Mormon Zodiac. Super true astrology and sh*t. MormonZodiac.com, @MormonZodiac, facebook.com/MormonZodiac, Patreon.com/MormonZodiac

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