Defending the T.K. Smoothie

Have you ever wondered about your genitals in the next life? Who hasn’t, right? The scriptures tell us when we’re resurrected that our bodies will be in their “perfect form”, and you’d think that would include perfect dangly bits. Yes, you might think that, but as with many things, the devil is in the details. Gotta read that fine print, bitches! Ever heard of the T.K. Smoothie? No, it isn’t a dessert slushy you get in the Telestial Kingdom. Hint, the “smoothie” part has to do with where your genitals used to be.

If you haven’t heard of the “T.K. Smoothie” doctrine (a fun and appropriate name for it), then buckle up and hold onto your junk! 😊

The idea comes from the 10th prophet Joseph Fielding Smith, specifically in his book Doctrines of Salvation(Volume 2, pages 396). Basically, if you don’t make it to the Celestial Kingdom, but only make it to one of the lower Kingdoms (Terrestial or Telestial -hence the T.K.), you aren’t allowed to *wispers* “have sex”. And, since that, ahem, “activity” isn’t allowed, you don’t need your genitals! Hence the term “smoothie”.

Some have said this isn’t official doctrine, that it was merely Smitty’s personal opinions, but I think it makes sense, so I’m going to defend it!

Sure, I suppose prophets are entitled to their opinions and all that, but what else is a prophet good for, if not for their further light and knowledge regarding our genitals in the hereafter?! I mean, come on! This stuff is pretty effing important! (pun strongly intended)

Doesn’t it make logical sense to remove these parts from people who haven’t earned the privilege of Celestial sex? Our God is nothing if not practical. He’s always figuring out practical and common sense changes to make within the church AKA “revelation”. Stuff like:

• combining Elder’s Quorum and High Priest Group: REVELATION!
• Reducing church from 3 hours to 2: REVELATION!
• Finally allowing women to pray in General Conference, beginning in 2013: REVELATION!
• Female church employees can wear pants, beginning in 2017. You guessed it: REVELATION!

With a God as practical as this, would it make any damn sense for people in the Terrestial and Telestial Kingdoms (the T.K.s) to be afflicted with their lusty parts? Of course it doesn’t. Our God is a god of order, not orgies. And if there’s going to be an orgy it sure as T.K. wouldn’t be in the T.K. That shit can only go down in the highest level of VIP Heaven.

Our God is also a god of mercy. And, in His mercy and wisdom He has seen fit to disarm those in the T.K. of their sexual weaponry. Shut-down their “little factories” as it were.

Speaking of “little factories”, why do you think you shouldn’t be messing around with your own body parts? What seems like a harmless and stress-relieving activity turns into a habit that you won’t be able to satisfy in the next life, since your naughty bits won’t be there! See how merciful God is?!

Well, now that I think about it, as long as you KNOW that you’re going to the Celestial Kingdom, you can work and over-work your little factory as much as you want. Since you know you’ll have genitals in the hereafter and stuff. But who really knows for SURE, except for the general authorities that have had their “calling and erection” err “election” made sure.

I mean, there’s lots of people who think they are super righteous, but isn’t that part of the rub? (Lol). It’s pretty damn cocky for a person to think that they’re guaranteed a spot in the Celestial Kingdom, even though we know that only a handful (hee hee) of people will Climax err achieve the highest level of heaven.

To finish this one off, let’s just say that you better not rub anything out, if you aren’t for damn sure that your name won’t be rubbed out of the VIP heaven list. Cause if you’re gonna be living with a T.K. Smoothy, you might as well get used to the idea of a whole-lotta nothing, for eternity. Isn’t our God so wonderful and merciful?

He’s cleared the way for a mandated wholesome eternity. You might ask why no sex in the T.K.? Good question. I guess it creates a pretty strong incentive for people to level up to VIP heaven (which also includes a 10% VIP membership fee). It brings on a whole new meaning to the “Plan of Happiness”.

Originally published at https://mormonzodiac.com on February 14, 2020.