In the modern food chain, it’s eat or be eaten by a nagging guilt of not knowing anything about food. Your very survival depends upon your ability to distinguish micro greens and pronounce words like “sous vide”. Without a hip understanding of food, you’re bound to starve from a lack of attention and die.

Not to worry. Leading food experts a.k.a. bloggers, put together a list of crucial food knowledge to help you survive the inhumane world of humanely raised food. Buon Appetito! (that’s Italian for “I lived in Florence for 3 months”).

Always have the most popular food allergies.

Only eat fast food once a month so that you can say you never eat fast food.

Kale gives you cancer now. Eat Palm Fronds instead.

Palm Fronds are the new healthiest leafy green. Put them in everything.

Foraging is when you find food then eat it. The supermarket is a great place to start your search.

Grow your own basil plant. It’s a fun and affordable alternative to having any friends.

Adopt foreign dining customs, such as eating sushi with chopsticks like the Japanese or looking down on the rest of world while devouring cheese like the French.

The French are a noble nation of cheese-breathed capitulators who know way more about food than you ever will.

Expensive food is healthy food, so always buy premium ice cream brands.

Don’t ever diet, it’s very 90’s. Instead, follow “a food conscious eating regiment”.

The 90's brought us cilantro and JNCO jeans. Neither should be discussed in public.

Every penny you don’t spend on organic food supports research to resurrect Hitler.

It’s important to have a food philosophy. At your next dinner party, subtly mention something like “I only eat endangered species on holidays”.

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