Get 500,001 Stats On Medium In 29 Days!
The lifeblood of quality writing is stats. When you sit down at your computer to pen an article, or even just to outline a story, the first question you should ask yourself is, “Do birds have penises?” The second question you should ask yourself is, “Will this article get me a butt load of stats?” If the answer is no, then you may as well submit it to the trash because no one cares about a story that ain’t got no stats.
Take a look at my stats from the last month. Yeah, look at them. See how great I am at getting stats. I must be a good writer if I got all these stats.
Any famous author will tell you that true inspiration derives from nifty graphs and numbers, not an insatiable curiosity to unravel the existential mysteries of life you granola-crunching hippie. That’s why real writers have calculators, not typewriters.
Okay, okay, now you want to know how I got so many stats in less than a month and how you can do it two. Talent? Original content? Intelligence? HAHAHA you ignorant slut. That’s not what makes a good writer. Haven’t you been listening? I’m a good writer because I have stats and because I have stats I’m qualified to write this article to teach you how to become a most great writer with stats like me.
The first thing you need to do is scroll to the bottom of this article and like it. Done? Good, let’s get started.
#1 — Writing Tools
They say that a writer is only as good as his calculator and it’s true. You need the right tools if you want to explode your stats sky high with word bombs. So, go to the local writer’s store and buy these things immediately.
Dynamite for exploding stats
Calculator for verifying stats
Cats because they rhyme with stats and everybody loves cats. Stats cats.
#2 — Get Prepared
Real writing is planned writing, not a whimsical moment of ephemeral beauty captured on a page. Stop being a feckless creative and start planning and charting things like a writer.
True creativity is measured in benchmarks and milestones. You got to have realistic and clear intentions for the week to achieve maximum stat accumulation. Put your goals on paper and follow them religiously.
Week 1 — Crush it
Week 2 — Destroy it
Week 3 — Demolish it
Week 4 — Stat it
#3 — Research
If you want to excel as a writer, you must look to the past for inspiration. Familiarize yourself with the masters of literature — Dale Carnegie, Tony Robbins, Laura Catherine Schlessinger, and Eckhart Tolle. Once you have immersed yourself in the classics, take the core concepts from each, pepper in a few new words, then pass them off as your own.
Without proper research like this, a writer will be left to create singular ideas from the depths of his or her imagination. Blarf! No one wants to read that. And, if no one reads it, then you won’t get a million stats.
It’s like Pablo Picasso said, “Good artists copy, great artists steal, and the best artist regurgitate.”
Goethe for the 21st century
#4 — Regularityness
You have to write everyday. That means sitting at your desk for at least thirty seconds and producing a list of headlines that people will click on. This is serious. If you do not practice your headlines, you will never get the stats you want or deserve as a writer.
Below are a few quick examples of what your titles should look like. Don’t expect to write headlines this great the first time you sit down. These took two-weeks of extensive writing and editing to develop.
Stop Typing With Your Left Hand — Secrets Of Productivity
Wake-Up From Your Dreams To Make Your Dreams Real Before 7 am
8 Quotes
Use Cats To Make Your Stats Not Flats
#5 — Help System
Every good writer needs help. Develop a network of fellow stats writers who will lend a hand with your posts. Start by asking for edits or advice on content. Then, maybe ask someone to find some images for your post.
From there, see if someone wouldn’t mind just wrapping up a piece for you. Once that’s done, start sending empty google docs to your network and asking friends to just write the article. You’ll include the title which you fine-tuned over the last few weeks, but that’s it.
At this point, you will have achieved what every stats writer dreams about — to not write at all.
DON’T FORGET TO LIKE THIS ARTICLE
The author is available for freelance stats coaching. Rates vary depending on how low your stats and self-esteem are $200–$5,000 per hour.
