New Religion On Aisle 10

“I’m going out, hun,” I yelled from the couch.

“Why?”

“To get some cookies.”

“Alright, but don’t get anything else,” she said from the upstairs bedroom.

I grabbed a coat by the front door and gave myself a quick glance in the mirror. In that glance, I resolved not to get anything else. Not again.

The store had a wide cookie selection. As I examined one flavor, a man with a long, gray beard like a wizard saddled up beside me. “Hey,” he whispered.

I opened a box of chocolate chip cookies and prayed he’d go away. “Hey, cookie guy,” he said again, “looks like you could use a new religion.”

He had a point, but I tried not to reveal my interest. I turned to him and took another bite of cookie, then said, “I already got a religion.”

“Sure, but your religion stinks,” he said under his beard.

“You think?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, what kind of religion should I get instead?” I asked.

“You should get some Brovokism.”

“Hmmm…” I said only 80% convinced at this point, “seems like a big commitment.”

“Pssshhh, what?” he responded, “It’s totally easy.”

“Really?” I asked and opened a box of thin mints.

“Yeah, just grow a beard and distribute these fliers outside of Long John Silver’s.”

“I do love shrimp cocktail” I said and seriously considered getting a new religion. “Do I get any sort of discount on seafood platters?” I asked as fluff. The answer didn’t really matter. My mind was pretty well made up at this point.

“Well…” but before he could finish, I waved him off.

“No need, I’m in,” I said, feeling satisfied, especially after not finding a cookie flavor I wanted.

I opened the door to our house and yelled, “Hey sugar, I’m home.” I looked in the mirror again and noticed that I had a real long beard now. It was gray and covered in cookie crumbs. Awesome. I smiled at the thought of unlimited shrimp scampi, then headed upstairs to tell my wife the good news. When I was halfway up she yelled, “What kind of cookies did you get?”

I froze. Her warnings from before echoed in my ear. I backed down the stairs, careful not to step on any of the iguanas I got last week. Without saying a word, I slipped out and headed for the store to get a new wife.