Soon to be 28 Yrs. and you are still single? Yes, I am and here is why…

Life is full of events, events which bring joy to many lives. There is birth and everyone is happy for you. Then as the birthdays you celebrate increase you hit school and if successful, you graduate and that’s another event and milestone to celebrate. Then we all whether we successfully graduated or not could get or not get jobs to make a living and ultimately a life if successful. That seems to be the most obvious path in our society today. Then as the birthdays you celebrate increase, there comes a stage in your life that seems to dictate the next event in your life. For example, the old folks you may deviously think their next stage is death or hospitalisation with some age related disease. Then here we come somewhere between 20 something and 30.

While here you begin to hear colleagues, friends, acquaintances cohabiting or making babies outside wedlock and at best getting properly married. Then the messages start to beep in your inbox of so and so’s wedding prep meeting. Some days you probably sit back and count how many of your peers are getting hitched or get status changes legally or illegally so to say. Then they get hitched.

But I have observed that whatever way they get there, when they get there they begin asking when you’ll be joining them in the new league of life. This gets me thinking, is it a competition? Or you got hitched so must I do it too?

Not to forget family and those close to you; there are those who be straight up with you and those who speak in parables. But all pass their point across and it’s usually loud and clear. With some of these, you do understand where their concern is coming from and others their demands are just so farfetched.

I must admit that what they say sometimes gets into my head. But I choose not to act on impulses. I get myself composed, cogitate on the matter and ask some critical questions.

In the midst of this whole talk is something that most of the proponents of this notion say. Most go back to how many birthdays you done celebrated. You tell them you about 28 in next few weeks. And they go like, what!!! Then they ask, are you seeing or going out with any female? Am like nope. They are like, “soon to be 28 years and you are still single?” and boldly I am like yes. Journey with me a while and know why am ok with it.

I have posed some of these questions to some of these folks who keep asking why am single and trust me, not everyone will respect these questions. Some will say those are just excuses, while others will say you fear responsibility or are just a coward. Then there are those who will say its confidence that you lack and then those who say you are running out of time. There are those who will understand your side of the story and will respect your views on the matter. Others will totally get it twisted.

But dealing with these issues I meet as a single dude in regards to relating with ladies at a more personal level isn’t just some walk in the park. I ask questions like how real is the feeling I have for this individual and will it last? If it doesn’t last, what happens when the feelings are gone? It’s said that true love is more than just feelings thus for its sake are the feelings worth it?

That aside, I also usually take time before I act on the feelings I have for a lady. But some consider my taking time as being so slow or a time waster; just attack so they say. But people forget whatever words you say to that person is a seed you are planting. Obviously not all seeds germinate when planted; so what happens when the seeds germinate? Will you tend to the seedlings and nurture them? Or will you leave them to grow in the wild? If you left that person because the feeling is not there, you’ll never love that person. All you leave behind is a soul with a broken and hurt heart and so many bruised feelings.

Those who keep saying my being single is due to lack of confidence; the question I keep asking them is what their definition or understanding of confidence is? I ask, is confidence the ability to start what you can’t accomplish? Or is it doing what everyone around you believes you should be doing so as to fit in?

I know my boys will realise I like that damsel and expect me to say something but I won’t because of this or that. Now to me that’s confidence. It’s about not caring about what people will say about you not doing anything about what they think is supposed to be a norm. To me it’s knowing that fitting in is the order of the day but being a misfit is the real deal. Just because I can do something doesn’t mean I should do it anyway. Thus am not going to be in a relationship just to fit in you circles and wear a pseudo crown of confidence.

The ones who say I fear responsibility or am just a coward, well that’s a serious allegation to me. Let’s dig the numbers out, how many people are out there in relationships just for being in one with no concrete reason or purpose? And because of that they are hurting someone or even themselves? Can you call that being responsible or a non-cowardly act? If you know it’s not going to work out, it’s your responsibility to make sure that no one gets hurt in your actions and if choosing to be single is going to be the best move then stay single. We are dealing with toxic and hurt people as a result of broken and failed relationships; so am responsible for keeping those numbers low by not indulging myself in it now.

Then those who keep saying you are running out of time, I ask when did you become time keepers? But I choose to believe otherwise and say your notion is wrong. Being a firm believer, as its written in Ecclesiastes 3:11 (AMP) “He has made everything beautiful and appropriate in its time…”, thus this season of singlehood is one I wholly embrace and cherish for now. For seasons come and go and this isn’t any different. It’ll surely come to end this am confident thus I’ll enjoy every moment of my singlehood. And there is a purpose for each season in life as in Ecclesiastes 3:1 (AMP) “There is a season (a time appointed) for everything and a time for every delight and event or purpose under heaven — “.

I know love is not just a feeling as many purport but it’s a choice and a verb. So when the plethora of feelings is gone, will I still be able to love this person? When I begin to see them as the broken vessels that they are, will I still accept them with their cracks and flaws? Can I be broken together with them? Or when she is vulnerable I’ll leave her for another where the feelings are fresh and it becomes a déjà vu. If I can’t be with them in their brokenness then, I quit it. To me at this point being single is the most worthwhile thing.

There are people you meet and you like them and the feeling is mutual. But as time goes by you learn them and it dawns on you that they’d like you to fit in their merry boxes or specifications. If my specifications don’t meet your expectations, then please I’d rather be single. I love my life in its unedited, raw and real format. I just want to be me and not someone else.

Rather than be with someone who wants to turn my whole personality upside down, why not be single? I don’t want be the next one whose identity changed because of woman then ended up dumped by her and you had lost everything including the people who loved you for you. But this isn’t meant to imply that I won’t make adjustments for the sake of that beautiful soul.

Another question is where is this thing (relationship) going to end? To me marriage is always going to be the end point for any engagement. But they ask, how are you going to know where its headed when you don’t try? Then I also ask how many are you going to try before it works out? What trail of broken hearts are you going to leave after all the trials? Is that what you want for your sisters or daughters or nieces or friends or brothers or nephews or sons? No, it’s not what I want. I believe through interaction with this person before committing, it can paint a rough picture of how things could be.

This may not be conclusive but it’s a great start point. Then if you are a professing Christian, you can pray, for God listens and answers like in Psalm 145:18 (MSG) “God’s there, listening for all who pray, for all who pray and mean it”. But if trying is the thing, then I’d rather be single.

Is it adding value to my life or draining me of life? If the person is parasitic then there is no way am going be in a relationship with them. It’s got to be a symbiotic relationship; give and take in nature. It should never be one-way traffic. I know it’s said that love is about giving without expecting anything in return and I agree. But as you give there must a way it’s affecting you positively. If the person is going to make me worse than they found me then well, being single is the only option.

I could spend all day justifying these reason and many others but there are folks who think you are a failed project. They try within their means and knowledge of who is still single to set you guys up. Who tells you I don’t know what I exactly want? Who says I have failed to make a choice? Can you keep your picks to yourselves? Besides am not complaining, am living in the moment and surely when the time is right I will have a status change. Am not going to do things because everyone else is doing and neither am I going to do anything to fit in; I am a happy misfit.

And lastly I have also learnt that when you sweep her off her feet, you’ve got to be ready to carry her and am also a work in progress. God is not finished with me yet. My season will come and for now am happy and contented with my singlehood.



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