Is Infidelity Reasonable to Disintegrate Marriage?
Esther Perel’s Theory on Infidelity, in her book “The State of Affairs,” explores the complexities of infidelity, viewing it not merely as a cause of relationship breakdowns but also as a symptom of deeper issues within a relationship. Perel posits that infidelity often arises from feelings of neglect, loss of identity, or an inability to connect with one’s partner. She suggests that cheating can be both a cause and effect of relational disconnection. In “The State of Affairs,” Perel writes about the necessity of confronting infidelity to pave the way for a new stage in a relationship. This confrontation can foster a deeper level of trust and honesty or lead to a permanent separation. Perel’s perspective emphasizes that experiencing betrayal can be a catalyst for profound transformation, compelling individuals to reassess their identity and connection to their partner.
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In her previous book, “Mating in Captivity,” Perel discusses the tension between the need for security and the desire for freedom in relationships. She argues that the challenges posed by infidelity can force couples to confront these tensions and potentially emerge stronger and more connected. Perel identifies various types of infidelity, each with its own complexities and impacts on relationships.
Adding to Perel’s insights, a crucial distinction in the motivations behind infidelity is noted: “Men cheat for sex, and women cheat for love,” as stated by Ester, a well-respected psychologist and relationship expert. This insight sheds light on the underlying reasons for infidelity, suggesting that men are generally driven by physical desires, while women seek emotional connections outside their primary relationships. Understanding these motivations provides a nuanced perspective on their dynamic, suggesting that perhaps unmet emotional needs played a role in Eve’s decision-making process.
To build a relationship based on truth, we must continually ask ourselves: If we first assign trust to our own volition, we must also question our own integrity and morality. Ask yourself: “Am I trustworthy throughout the entire relationship? In marriage, where we vow indefinite bonding, can I trust myself not to cheat in any form — whether emotional, a dating app account, gaming avatars, uncontrollable sexual addiction, comparing my spouse to an idealized or ‘phantom’ lover, or the most common form, sexual infidelity? Because cheating is cheating, regardless of its form, as many believe. If we can self-reflect before we make our marriage vow, asking ourselves: Can I truly be trusted?”
Perel identifies various types of infidelity, each with its own complexities and impacts on relationships. Phantom lovers are emotional connections with someone outside the relationship that often exist in the realm of fantasy, imagination and what-if I married the other one. For example, a wife might openly reminisce to her husband about a high school lover, leaving the husband confused and emotionally crushed. These relationships may never become physical but can create significant emotional distance between partners. Micro-cheating includes seemingly minor actions, such as sliding into someone’s DMs or engaging in flirtatious conversations, which can undermine trust. Watching porn, while not traditionally considered infidelity, can cause issues if it replaces intimacy within the relationship or violates agreed-upon boundaries.
An affair, by definition, includes emotional intimacies. It involves forming deep emotional bonds with someone outside the primary relationship, often leading to secrecy and betrayal. These can be more damaging than purely sexual affairs because they threaten the emotional foundation of the primary relationship. An affair is characterized by three key factors: frequent communication, intimate emotional connections, and keeping these interactions secret from one’s partner. For example, a person may frequently engage in intimate conversations, seek emotional support, or share personal secrets with someone other than their partner. This can create a strong emotional bond and a sense of prioritization that undermines the primary relationship. Imagine a scenario where two colleagues spend a lot of time talking about their personal lives, sharing their deepest thoughts, fears, and dreams, and confiding in each other more than they do with their respective partners.
Emotional and sexual affairs combine both elements, involving emotional intimacy and physical interaction, cultivated in the shadows of a cheater’s primary relationship or marriage. In the context of marriage, which is elevated to a divine union, the God of Abraham and Moses, emphasized the severity of such betrayals by addressing them in two of the Ten Commandments: “You shall not commit adultery” and “You shall not covet your neighbour’s wife.” These commandments govern humanity’s spiritual essence and highlight that infidelity is among the gravest sins against God, one’s spouse, and oneself — betraying the honour and trust society places in these relationships, considered the pinnacle of infidelity.
In contrast, sexual transactions involve purely physical interactions in exchange for cash, often using fake identities. This practice dates back to the dawn of human civilization, among the Sumerians, who believed that services rendered by slaves were not adultery but part of their procurement agreement. These slaves were expected to assist in arousing their masters during sex and ensure the release of their pleasures. This ancient rule, still adhered to today, has transformed from the chains of slavery into the guise of trade. It operates as a silent, universally accepted protocol, embedded so deeply in human behaviour that it requires no reminders.
Defiance of this rule — “not to be emotionally attached, especially by men” — inflicts shame, dishonour, and disrespect. Despite its historic significance, it remains taboo and frowned upon by some societies, yet it continues to grow and evolve due to the persistent human demand for carnal pleasures. This form of infidelity is driven by economic opportunity and physical desire, with no intent to foster any kind of intimate relationship.
Cheating is one of the leading causes of divorce, as it deeply undermines the trust and foundation of a marriage. Many couples find it difficult to recover from the betrayal, leading to permanent separation. This reality underscores the importance of addressing the root causes of infidelity and striving to build relationships based on mutual trust and respect.
Infidelity as a “Test of the Human Soul” is one of my theories that infidelity should not be the reason to end the marriage regardless of its kind and instances. The concept of infidelity as a test of the human soul aligns with the notion that individuals must undergo profound trials to discover their true selves. This idea is echoed in various epic narratives and modern stories where heroes face darkness and emerge transformed. For example, Darth Vader/Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars: Anakin’s fall to the dark side and eventual redemption as Darth Vader exemplifies the journey through darkness to ultimately achieve a form of redemption. Luke Skywalker in Star Wars: Luke faces his own temptations and fears, ultimately rejecting the dark side and standing as a symbol of hope and resilience. Frodo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings: Frodo’s journey through immense trials, including the corruption of the One Ring, highlights the struggle and eventual triumph of the human spirit.
These stories illustrate that experiencing betrayal, whether in the form of infidelity or other trials, can lead to genuine forgiveness and acceptance, resulting in true transformation. This process aligns with Perel’s assertion that facing the darkest aspects of a relationship, such as betrayal, can lead to a deeper understanding and connection between partners.
And not only betrayal tests us, but all forms of suffering that cause the disconnection of meaningful relationships, especially in marriage. However, there should be a genuine transformation of self after emerging from this suffering. The relationship must undergo a metaphorical death and resurrection, a genuine forgiveness is the transformation of relationship and not only to one but both.
In a marriage where sin divides partners, there are two paths to resolution: reacting to pain with comfort or examining suffering for its lessons. They can either choose to believe in a divine essence within, trusting their conscience, or seek the allure of dopamine-driven desires, chasing fleeting pleasures in an endless cycle.
Among these two, the divine gift of free will is exemplified in the choice of believing in a divine essence and putting faith in the dictates of one’s conscience. This path involves self-reflection, growth, and the recognition of a higher purpose beyond immediate gratification. It honours the depth of human experience and the capacity for true, enduring connection.
In the end, it is through these trials and the act of forgiveness that we discover the true strength of our love. The journey of overcoming suffering and growing together is what brings us closer to the essence of our soul, revealing a profound and enduring connection that can withstand the test of time. together in their journey, no longer defined by an one’s pursuit but by shared and united goal.
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Their next journey will be elevated by a love that is neither fleeting nor unreliable, unlike the “Feelings” they once defined as love. They will experience an “Unconditional” love, albeit with some limits. This evolution of their relationship is more resilient than the one that ended in the death of their first marriage. From its ashes, their newfound love resurrected their relationship, tempered by the fires of emotional pain and the coldness of years of isolation, during which they felt unheard and invalidated, breaking each of their souls. They emerge not with merely soothed hearts but with more compassionate and understanding ones.
A relationship that empathizes, reciprocates, and supports each other, never ceasing, knowing that the other is there to catch you even before you fall, embodies the fullest trust. A new kind of love awaits them in that short period of time, as their deepest truths are no longer isolated but shared and accepted, granting them unceasing bliss that operates on “Automatic.” This love manifests through unwavering support and mutual growth. As they grow older, embracing spirituality, they prepare for the inevitable end not with despair, but with acceptance.
The memories of their victories, staying true to their vows against all odds, become a source of comfort and joy. Grieving becomes easier, as these cherished memories automatically fill them with love. Even small reminders, like seeing a car your partner once admired, can bring immense joy and connection, despite their physical absence.
The gift that awaits those who honour and respect their marriage vows is “Oneness.” They will never feel alone in the universe, as the promise of marriage brings this profound connection. To end my two part series on Infidelity, let me share this dialogue from one of my favourite movies of all time, between two astronauts and an AI space robot. As Cooper, the protagonist, floats in space and is in the trajectory towards a black hole, he receives a communication from their ship, safe from the black hole’s immense gravity pull. Brand speaks:
“Love isn’t something that we invented. It’s observable. Powerful. It has to mean something. Maybe it means something more, something we can’t yet understand. Maybe it’s some evidence, some artifact of a higher dimension that we can’t consciously perceive. Love is the one thing that we’re capable of perceiving that transcends dimensions of time and space. — Interstellar 2014 ”
