Wild Predictions for the NFL Season

MOTF
MOTF
Sep 7, 2018 · 7 min read

The only break from the last five months of Trump TV has been the World Cup in Russia. Significant gambling losses aside, it was a brief but satisfactory respite from Trump vs Kim Jong Un, Vladimir Putin & Stormy Daniels. Now that the Koch brothers are up for Trump in the next round, we have truly lost the will to live. In order to stave off our impending sense of doom, we have decided to get out our horoscopes, dust off our tarot cards and dip into a little fortune telling. Here it is… my wild and not-so-wild predictions for the 2018 NFL season.

So let’s get things started… who will win SB LIII?

MOTF: Believe me, I want to make the sexy choice and pick the Texans or Jags, but when the Saints and Marcus Williams broke my heart last year, I vowed never to love so profoundly ever again. Now that I am devoid of feelings and sentiment, I fit in with the core values of my pick here… The Patriots. There’s a lot of latent anger in the camp following the loss to the Eagles. Nobody quite understands what has happened to the relationship between Brady and Belichick, but it is rocky. The critical aspect, however, is that a boiling Brady and a bent-out-of-shape Belichick cannot be beaten. Never before have they been mad at each other publicly. Is it only me that thinks this is good news for the Pats? Maybe Belichick beats Brady into the facility at 3:00 a.m. Maybe Brady gets his revenge by going on an all-time record for studying film. Maybe Belichick gives 7th rounder David Etling some of Brady’s practice reps and puts a rocket up his ass. Who knows but I do know that it’s a recipe for another Super Bowl in New England.

Name the rest of the teams in the championship games?

MOTF: Pats beat off the Steelers in the AFC title game. Big Ben, Bell (when he shows) and AB are the best QB / RB / WR trio in the league, and I doubt the Jags and/or replay review will surprise them this year. The NFC is much harder to call. There’s a large group of teams all more likely of going on a run to the Super Bowl than the Eagles were at this stage last year. The Rams remind me of the infamous 2011 Eagles ‘Dream Team’ with a lot of individual pieces and hype. Teams will be wiser to McVay’s system and, boring as it is, I believe that the Vikings and Saints are most ready to take the next step and in that regard, I will take Minnesota to beat New Orleans in a defensive snoozefest before losing to Brady’s in his NFL swansong.

Who gets the first pick in next year’s draft (i.e. who sucks most)?

MOTF: I get burned on this one every year so I won’t cry when it happens again. I could make an excellent case for the Jets here mainly with the horrific upcoming schedule for the Jets, but my crystal ball is telling me that yet another QB in Tampa will fail to get a second contract when the Bucs choose first in next year’s draft. I don’t think Winston is a top NFL calibre QB and Koetter’s best work is as a coordinator. Everyone is high on them after an acquisition frenzy in the offseason but not MOTF! However, don’t come at me when they make the playoffs. Just like any Stormy Daniels’ classic, by the conclusion, I will be expecting a viscous protein on my face.

Which franchise will do pleasantly surprising things?

MOTF: The Chargers tempted me in this spot but let’s go Raiders instead. Everybody is down on them since the Mack trade and I imagine Gruden will install an insurmountable siege mentality in Oakland. I also have a soft spot for the outcast of the league. There’s no doubt that Oakland has the offensive pieces in place to take the league by storm. Lynch, Hudson, Penn and Osemele bring the thunder with the lightning provided by Carr, Cooper, Nelson and Cook. With a breezy schedule and a tempestuous new coach, I anticipate a whirlwind season for the men in black and silver. On the other hand, Gruden may find himself in the doldrums if they go on a win drought early. OK, OK, I’m done with the meteorological references now… Promise.

Who wins the MVP, OPOY, DPOY, OROY, DROY and CPOY?

MOTF: Brady takes the MVP crown with yet another mind-boggling season for a QB in his 40s. Provided he shows up before week 2, the OPOY goes to Le’Veon Bell. Between teammates questioning his commitment and the chance to test the market in March, he must be the most motivated player in the league. Expect him to get his payday after he takes down the offensive player of the year award. Defensively, Jadaveon Clowney will get an outrageous number of sacks with Watt and Mercilus taking some of the OL line’s attention, so let’s take a punt on him. At 50/1 he looks great value considering Demarcus Lawrence is 25/1.

On to the rookies and Barkley is just too obvious a choice on the offensive side of the ball. Let’s go for Royce Freeman to be reincarnated as Terrell Davis in Denver. It has been five years since a linebacker (Kuechly) won the Defensive Rookie of the Year award. We know that a preseason contract dispute didn’t affect Joey Bosa but it does scare me off Roquan Smith. Therefore, due to my feeling that Tremaine Edmunds will mesh well with this Buffalo D, I think he will take the DROY award home to rub in his brothers’ faces.

Lastly, the Comeback Player of the Year. This one is usually a slam dunk in preseason. Most years, there are perhaps one or two realistic options. However, this season you have a better chance of winning the lottery due to the abundance of candidates that require serious consideration including Rodgers, OBJ, Wentz, Luck, David Johnson, JJ Watt, Deshaun Watson and Dalvin Cook. Therefore, I am going to grab a lottery ticket and select Josh Gordon. He has a QB that has proven to be pretty accurate on the deep ball and Gordon is (or was) at least as good as last year’s winner of this one — Keenan Allen.

Best free agent acquisition? Worst free agent acquisition?

MOTF: I’m a Negative Nellie so I am going to go with worst signing first and it goes to the Broncos and Case Keenum. Far be it for me to criticise Elway, a man who on the balance of probabilities might know more than me when it comes to the QB position, but I cannot understand why they went for Keenum. His track record before last season is blotchy and as poor old Stormy understands all too well, one swallow does not make a blow job. Moving swiftly along to the best free agent signing, Andrew Norwell is an enticing pick because the whole world knows Fournette is going to get the ball on every down in Jacksonville. However, Patrick Mahomes can throw bombs down the field, and that should finally mean receptions for Sammy Watkins. The poor guy must have slept with Jared Goff’s mother because he spent all of last season open and Goff barely looked his way. With defences more likely to be worried about stopping Kareem Hunt, Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce, Watkins is about to prove that he was worth every bit of $16M per year in Kansas.

Who is the breakout star?

MOTF: Is Garopollo allowed? No? OK, then how about Myles Garrett? Not him either?!!! Then I am taking Christian McCaffrey, and I won’t have another word said about it. He is poised for a huge year if the Panthers finally game plan to get him the ball as much as physically possible. Mike Shula had a terrible last season in Carolina and was deservedly let go. Norv Turner has worked wonders with elusive running backs before in LaDainian Tomlinson and Darren Sproles. McCaffrey doesn’t have to split carries with Jonathan Stewart anymore, and despite the loss of Norwell, behind who McCaffrey got most of his rushing yards last year, I envision McCaffrey lighting up the NFC South in 2018.

Coach of the Year and the first coach fired please?

MOTF: Mike Zimmer is criminally underrated as a coach, and I can’t understand why. For some insane reason, I think it is because of his abrasive personality which used to be considered a fantastic attribute to have in an NFL head coach (e.g. Parcells, Gruden, Jimmy Johnson etc.). John Schneider has given Zimmer some great players to work with, but Zimmer has turned them into superstars and should finally get some credit if the Vikings can overcome their tough schedule and get this team to Super Bowl LIII. If Zimm continues to be overlooked, Anthony Lynn will probably take this one down. On the flip side, I believe that Mike McCarthy has overstayed his welcome in Green Bay by five seasons. He should have been let go after the 8–7–1 year in 2013. To be fair to him, Green Bay rebounded with a fantastic season in 2014, but they have been flogging a dead horse since. That team badly needs some fresh direction, and the Packers should have wiped the whole slate clean when Thompson changed role in the offseason. Instead, he hangs on like the booger you just can’t quite reach, and he should be the one to go first this year, but because it’s the Packers, he won’t be. Instead, Todd Bowles will go first as the Jets get off to a terrible start though it may be a little bit premature. He has been given nothing to work with since joining the Jets and probably deserves a further season. He won’t get one. It’s the Jets.

I’m giving you a crisp Benjamin Franklin to put a sizeable dent in the Vegas Sports Betting market… where does it go?

MOTF: It’s your money, so I am not going to feel bad when I lose it. I have to go back to one of my picks above because Josh Gordon at 66/1 for Comeback Player of the Year is just crazy. Consider the fact that Teddy Bridgewater is 33/1 without being a starter and Julian Edelman is at 40/1 and will only play a maximum of 12 regular season games. You would want to be high not to take Gordon at 66s… unless Gordon is, in fact, high with the odds on that being much shorter.

MOTF

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MOTF

Another irreverent idiot with an opinion. I ramble. I curse. You probably won’t like it but if you do, share it… C’mon dude. Don’t be an asshole.

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