Coping with Being a Single Gay Man
How to survive the alienating experience of being a man attracted to other men
“Everything we do is either an act of love or a cry for help.” — Marianne Williamson
I follow a lot of gay men on social media.
There are so many of them, shirtless, flexing their abs and pecs; posting their new workout routines and Onlyfans adverts; reflecting on their latest club excursions. I wont lie, as a mid-western gay in a quieter city I have a vicarious fascination with the lives of other gays. I imagined it must be easier to be gay where these guys were. That they must get everything gay men dream of with their hot bodies and high social media followings. I had spent so much of my life feeling like I would never be able to live the types of lives they live. Traveling all over the country, or living on beach paradises, dancing in drag clubs, and having brunch with the other queens.
Then I realized that most of the gay men I was admiring did share one thing in common with me, in fact it was something most gay men I had known all shared in common, they were all single.
Everyone already knows how difficult it is for gay men and women to find romantic partners in modern society, but what’s less discussed is how to cope with it in a healthy way. Every gay has felt the soul-crushing feeling of loneliness. Whether it was while he was in the closet, or just sitting in their studio apartment drinking another bottle of wine. It’s a feeling that walks hand-in-hand with the gay experience. We carry it with us into adulthood, seeking validation and acceptance from the outside world. Most of us dream of feeling like we are “normal,” which makes sense, considering that reminders that we are not surround us everyday. Part of that dream and part of our biological human desire is to obtain a romantic partner.
It was only recently that gay marriage was legalized by the Supreme Court, making the fantasy of gay relationships being accepted and viewed as normal a reality. You’d think with this shift, it would be easier for gay men to find a spouse. However, things are not so simple. Prince Charming is not showing up for a lot of gay men and the reasons stem from internalized homophobia and in-group discrimination to hyper-sexualization and emotional detachment.
It’s been reported that since 2010, the amount of gay men who use gay hook up apps to meet each other has risen to seventy percent, and the amount of gay men who meet other gay men through mutual friends has decreased from thirty percent to twelve percent. To add to that, gay men appear to have fewer close friends than straight people or gay women, so they weren’t getting many friends to recommend them anyone to begin with.
The alienation of men who are attracted to other men is overwhelming for some, and this is seen in the suicide and depression rates of gay men when compared to their hetero peers. Gay men are twice as likely to commit suicide than straight people, and twice as likely to have a major depressive episode.
When we are actually looking for Mr. Forever, we are picky with who we select as our mate. If you’re not a young white man with the body of Hercules and the personality of your local frat-bro, your chances are slim. This is especially devastating, because if you don’t look like a professional male model most gay men aren’t even going to give you the time of day on a hook up app.
Finding a significant other is truthfully not guaranteed for most gay men.
There are some gay men who do die alone, never having taken a partner. This is old news. Every gay who’s been around the block should have figured this all out for themselves by now. The question is, how do you cope with the alienating, lonely existence that is being a single gay man?
Most gay men deal with these feelings in unhealthy ways; self-medicating; having risky sex; etc. These unhealthy coping mechanisms can create a myriad of health problems, which only make the already depressing existence of being a single gay man that much more awful. I have found some better ways to cope with the pain of being single and lonely.
1. Get into a really time-consuming hobby that you are passionate about
This is probably some advice that you’ve heard before which is why I’m beginning here. If you haven’t done this already you’re really not doing yourself any favors. It helps to have a hobby you are passionate about because when your day slows down after work and you’re left to your own machinations, you’ll find yourself getting bored; of course! I’ve found that having a hobby to distract me is the best way to combat feelings of loneliness. It’s most important that this hobby is something creative because it gives you an avenue to express yourself and it busies your mind. You want to make sure this hobby is something you enjoy too, there’s no sense in starting this hobby if you don’t actually like it.
2. Make New Friends and Strengthen Old Friendships
The relationships we form in our lives are what end up mattering the most to us in any aspect. If you don’t already, it’s a great time to start valuing the people you do have in your life and welcoming new connections. Since, it’s clear that we don’t know when Prince Charming is going to show up, if he ever does, it’s best to accept what you have.
3. Change the narrative of what a fulfilling life would look like for you
You don’t have to rely on a romantic relationship to make you feel fulfilled in life. Plenty of people have lived fulfilling lives without one. The feelings of loneliness do not stop at the agreement to be in a committed relationship. Some relationships are filled with drama, infidelity, distrust, and abuse. People bring emotional and psychological baggage into relationships that they’re just truthfully not ready to get into. If you do get lucky enough to find someone to pursue a romantic relationship with, science says that being happy single is a good indicator that you’ll be happy committed as well.
4. Focus on yourself
Whatever does end up happening in your life, the best thing you can do for yourself is take make sure you’re taken care of in all areas of life. Spiritually, emotionally, financially, and physically. It is important that you always keep yourself at the forefront of your mind, you only have one life to live after all. Don’t waste it being less of what you’re capable of.
Know that you are not alone.
This is a issue that is widespread in our community, there are a lot of gay men who are single, despite actively looking for relationships, and it has nothing to do with them being less deserving of love. It’s hard to find relationships when our options are limited and our culture is hypersexualized. Relationships are hard to find in general and a lot of relationships don’t last because people are complicated and difficult to love. I’m not saying give up on finding love, but it may be a good idea to not make it as big of a priority in your life. Focus on yourself, hobbies, friends and family, communities, find a way to get your intimate needs met through other means. The truest form of love you will ever receive wont come from someone else, but from within you.
“And I’ve learned that we must look inside our hearts to find a world full of love like yours, like mine, like home.” — Charlie Smalls
