Fuck you fear, you don’t tell me what to do.
I’ve made a new friend.
We used to be at odds, because he used to taunt me and annoy me and make me doubt myself, but over time, I’ve realised, he’s the only one that’s always by my side through all the difficult times and challenges I’m faced with. In fact, he lives right inside me.
Yes, it’s my fucking fear.
He’s always there whenever I know I’m doing something that I haven’t done before, and don’t really know how it will turn out. He’s always there when there’s a chance that I might not succeed. He’s the only one that’s always with me, no matter how far I travel or how high I jump or how deep I dive into the deepest darkest abyss of difficult experiences.
I don’t fight him anymore. I’ve become comforted by his presence. Because he’s always there going through everything with me.
Sure, he’s not the kindest or gentlest friend. He pressures me and makes me nervous, taunts me and tries to convince me that I’m not going to make it and I should just give up and go back to where I came from. But over time, I’ve learnt that that’s just his way of encouraging me, like one of those nasty ninja Kung Fu masters that taunt and torture their pupils until they reach a breaking point and actually exceed their own limitations.
The thing is, after hanging out with my fear a lot, or rather, after he’s been hanging out in my tummy for longer than it takes to bake a baby, I’ve come to realise that in spite of his constant flapping in my stomach, he’s about as flimsy as the ribbon that marks the finish line on a race track. All I have to do is run right though him and he stops flapping. He flaps and flaps and flaps until I go past him with all my might, all my courage and determination, and just push through to the other side. And then he stops.
But he’s got a twinkle in his eye, because I’ve learnt that through all his taunting, what he’s really doing is keeping my eye on the finish line. He stands there waving the flag, showing me the distance I need to cover, making sure I can’t ignore where I need to get in order to shut him up. He stands there and challenges me, daring me to run right past him to the other side. He mocks me because he actually wants me to get to him and silence him and his annoying flapping and mocking.
I’m onto you, my friend. You don’t doubt me, you already know I’m going to succeed and extinguish you, that’s why you taunt me.
So, fuck you, fear. You can tell me all you want that I won’t make it, that I am crazy to do what I’m doing, that I should stay where I am. But we both know that you’re actually on my side, and when I run right past you, you’ll be silenced by the elation of my success, as proud of me as a beaming mother, taking all the credit for everything I put into my victory, just because you were the one standing at the finish line.
Well, I resent you and your ways, but I respect you and kind of love you for always being by my side. So go on and do your thing, I won’t stop you. Just like you won’t stop me doing mine.