Two men fighting in my head every night ..

Overthinking about life contradiction transformed my night to a nightmare

In this story, I will share with you a very personal experience with fake names

My day starts with two young men and ends with their images battling in my mind.

I go to bed every night with two different figures.

the face of our neighbour and ex-boyfriend Mourad and the face of Jawhar a good guy comes this year to our college.

Mourad is someone who has a strong body , handsome , arrogant , has some traits of narcissistic perverts like pretending and working on his brand image all the time

Despite he seems smart , he has no self control , can't bear criticism , don’t dare to admit his mistakes , always obliged to lie and invent stories to cover them up , possessive , authoritarian , waiting for compliments to feel good.

because he couldn’t manage the stress , he failed his college and also his first marriage .

He got married again after thousands of relationships.

By the day , he works only until noon and spends the remaining time between taking a long siesta and playing cards in the café.

Jawhar , contrariwise , considers himself as a zero despite his unlimited capacities and achievements

Let me talk to you about Jawhar :

.. at the end of this story , tell me what “ disability ” should has as definition

Jawhar is a clever boy ,deep ,a genius software developer , a wizard who makes codes work.

Despite his physical “disability” , nothing can stop him

Mozilla tech speaker , won a good number of prices in local and international IT competitions , student and entrepreneur in the same time .

Recently launched his startup , Jawhar spends the night between online meeting with his start-up co-founders and writing for his weekly Medium story.

His team is composed of three persons : mobile developer ( wheelchaired ) , a PhD student (also wheelchaired ) and the manager , 57 years old.

One magical quality regroups those four persons : the determination

not an ordinary one

no .. something more special .. stronger

a magical one that I feel every time I take a coffee with him .

With every coffee taken with Jawhar , there is something changing in my inner-self

Something that gives me more power to carry on and fight to be the woman I dreamed to be.

I am sure he puts some of his Asterix drink in my cup.

He is used to do that and inspires many of his audience

I don’t know why a such successful person is modest and always trying to convince people that he is a “stupid random entry in this world database”

Coming back to Mourad

Mourad is someone with no achievements and no goals, one of billions who live to fill their stomachs and satisfy their lusts.

spends the evening in the coffee shop playing cards

telling his friends about his adventures stories and “heroic” acts .

“ I am a man ..”

“I do that because men do it ..”

“all men do it not only ”

you can hear one of those expressions twice in the same sentence

I was wandered why he is trying all the time to prove his virility till his ex told me one of his secrets .. you can guess ..

On the some table , sit down three of his friends , strong , viral with a common reason of life : sex and money .

By night , he goes back home to practise his favorite hobby of sexual reproduction and then sleeps to reproduce the same stupid routine next day .

while , Jawhar goes to bed very exhausted , after a full day of study ,work and opulent social activities

and I go to bed with two contradictory samples of human in head

my brain can not accept this idea

how trifle person as Mourad is considered as a safe person

how a such paranoiac get married twice

while a deep person like Jawhar is judged as a disabled

and all relationships were failed because of that

last week , Jawhar invited me to attend an event about empowering women to be entrepreneur . he was so enthusiastic and spends all the time trying to convince speakers to deal with men responsibility towards their wives

during the event my mind goes with some memories when Mourad and I were together

“ a woman is a weak creature , she is not made for leadership or entrepreneurship”

“ good women don’t leave their houses only for work .. and they must go back before 5pm ”

“.. I will not allow my future wife to go to a business dinner or travel alone even for one single day ”

I feel relieved after this event because Mourad has successfully destroyed my dreams .. and my life too .

Every night in my bed , my mind refuses to stop thinking about two major points :

• what is disability .. what are the fair criteria to judge a person as disabled .. who deserves the most to be called disabled ?

the one who has just a physical problem but has a safe cognitive health

who transforms his weakness to be an entrepreneur and public speaker

or the one who can’t take control of himself .. his deliriums .. live passively without purpose or values .

• the other point is something I called “ cup bottom theory”

cup bottom theory

The bottom of the cup presents the self-esteem .

The more the bottom is thick , the more the person is naturally confident.

If the bottom is not enough thick , unconsciously the person add a magical drunk to feel good

it’s called narcissism , it’s added mostly to mask “lack of esteem” problems

and like every medicine , narcissism has some harmful effects

• blindness : rejection of reality admission , if it doesn’t go with his purposes
• behaving stupidly . e.g : the king in “The Emperor’s New Clothes”
• underestimation of others
• being possessive and authoritarian
• addiction to compliments

if we apply the theorem on Mourad and Jawhar , we get the figure below

Actually , Jawhar is naturally self confident . So , he doesn’t need to add much drink to feel good .

However , Mourad , with a broken cup bottom , is in an infernal run to cover his lack of self-esteem.

This inner struggle repeats madly every night in a closed loop.

Keeps me away from sleep

Makes me think again about life justice

.. and till this moment , I am trying to go away from this hell

I am Mouna , a young software developer , I love sharing with people my thoughts and my feelings .

Next time , I will tell you some lessons from my relationship with Mourad

wait for “get engaged to narcissistic pervert” 😉

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