Area Six-Year-Old’s Birthday Cake 61% Saliva

Columbus, Ohio — Much to his family’s surprise, young Jerry turning six was not the only reason to celebrate at the Peterson household yesterday.

No, the real drama began when Jerry drew in a breath, adorably puffed out his cheeks, and repeatedly sprayed spittle-filled volleys aimed at extinguishing the six candles on his Porg-shaped birthday cake.

With five flames doused, the festive treat was layered in a solid quarter-inch of saliva, but scientists on hand — while impressed with Timmy’s lawn-sprinkler-like oscillation resulting in an extremely even distribution of the slimy substance — determined that this performance, combined with the oral secretions Timmy’s little sister Janet had already contributed via licked beaters, spoons, and spatulas during the making of the cake, still left the celebratory dessert a few milliliters short of the coveted 50-percent slobber content threshold, and well shy of the national record 60.4 percent.

But when Jerry — this time accompanied by twenty enthusiastic first grade classmates (eight of which were incubating a cold or the flu) unleashed his final fusillade and vanquished the stubborn remaining torch, the scientists raised their eyebrows and hurriedly made one final measurement.

Removing their spit-spattered goggles, they smiled and jubilantly announced, “61 percent!” to a victorious roar from the kids.

And roar they should, having crushed the national average of 42% for standard-candle-equipped cakes (those bearing novelty, relighting candles commonly reach 85–90% saturation and are ineligible for record consideration).

Most adults in attendance chuckled in denial as they forked pieces of the soggy treat into their mouths from colorful paper plates that had already started to swell out of shape with the moisture.

But one holdout — despite having longingly eyed the cake all party long — was Timmy’s Uncle Greg. “Ugh, are you kidding? None for me, thanks. Not really in the mood for a buttercream-frosted slobber sponge.”

At press time, the formerly queasy Uncle Greg had given up any pretense of willpower and was cutting himself a second piece from the section with the unidentified green speckles.