Ups and Downs.

Miguel and I dated in high school. He was a freshman and I was a junior. It was weird for me, and I didn’t think the time was right. We remained friends that liked each other, and I was okay with that. I was literally just telling him that the vast majority of my “best” and “happiest” memories of high school and life in general were with him.

He didn’t even march my senior year but he went to the parent preview anyways.

We used to go on long walks when he lived down the street and sit on the swings at the park and talk about everything. That is the highlight of high school for me. Those nasty rusty swings at the park and Miguel.

There was one day I remember so vividly, I can’t even believe it actually happened (my memory is fucking awful). We were at the park and it was getting late and I was like, in a state of crisis because something happened (I don’t remember what was wrong) and I was like, you should go home before you get in trouble. He didn’t even budge. He told me that he wanted me to feel better before he left and he held to that. Then he walked me home and hugged me for a long time. I think that was when I realized I broke up with the possible love of my life. I didn’t think too hard, but I texted him right when I got inside and thanked him a billion times. I don’t think he remembers but I do. And it remains the number one sweetest thing ever.

We just agreed to stop talking at all just a few days ago. But before we said our real goodbyes, this is what happened and my heart was in a trillion pieces.

I wasn’t going to answer him. I was set on NOT answering and just saying goodbye right there. But he wanted to know. And that is exactly how I have been imagining my life. Our life. But when everything doesn’t work out, what can you do, right? We spent the night talking a lot and I was basically wishing the entire time that he would tell me I was his soulmate, and he loves me still and everything. He’s perfect. And I swear I will never get over him. He’s my “one that got away” and I am pretty sure I will never forgive myself for fucking it up. Because of him I am making better, healthier decisions and going to the gym and making my life better because I have this idea that if I change myself and love myself, he will love me again and come back and live our life the way we talked about. Right now, I am really glad he gave me that motivation, and I have already lost about 15 pounds and I feel AMAZING. But when I am where I want to be and my life is more simple, and he still isn’t back, I think I will actually lose my shit. He’s a lot more important than he thinks he is, and I really hope he changes his mind about me. I love him more than anything. And I say that a lot, but I am literally changing EVERYTHING about me to mold me to his life.

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