M. Philip Oliver
Sep 2, 2018 · 4 min read

Someone you know is demented and it could be You

My Neurologist told me in 2016 that Dementia is the large umbrella under which numerous subsets appeared such as;

ALS

Parkinson’s

Alzheimer’s

Numerous others yet to be labeled.

Have you seen signs of dementia in someone around you, or someone you’ve worked with or possibly a family member or a neighbor whose behavior has perhaps mystified you at some point?

What’s the earliest one might display the aberrational behavior that could be termed dementia? The forgetting and going way past that to the dangerous as in passing through the Stop sign without so much as a nod of acknowledgement.

In my late mother’s case she was between 84 and 85, formerly an ardent walker, imbued with life’s vitality and daily meaning, communicative with anyone friendly enough to be the recipient of her life improving inspiration. Suddenly as though out of nowhere she began exhibiting little red flags marking the regions of her mental rebellion.

My younger sister attributed it to “laziness”! I knew better but couldn’t put my hands on the reality and nobody was speaking of “it”, especially the “professionals” who would remark something like; “well, it’s too early to diagnose this thing”, or “well, we just don’t know yet”.

My former neighbor Valerie was barely fifty-nine when she started camping out at my apartment; obviously hungry and appearing confused and not well cared for. She would say she came to visit Nugget my Guineas Pig yet when I asked her when she last ate, I would get the “I don’t remember” and would move ahead to feed her something as best I could.

The Property Manager Maria knew something was going down, but she was frustrated with her inability to address it and this went on for more than several months. Because Val was under the guidance of Solano County Social Services, that is she was under the auspices of a Payee; usually a non-profit who/which participates/d in Independent Living Services to the needy and low-income seniors. Somebody there finally bit the bullet and took action to protect her very existence by placement into a board and care facility in Vallejo existing for this very scenario.

In my mother’s case, when we arrived at a point in our local journey that we could speak without interruption, I asked her IF she remembered going through “the red light”? This at ten thirty in the morning and with no apparent reason for this behavior save the D word, she decided that her driving days were numbered and told my sister that week to “sell my Saturn”. This being Southern California where having a vehicle or not can be the difference between getting out or not and/or being at the mercy of others to accommodate one’s needs for errands and such.

When she stopped her daily walking and before that when she needed my presence supporting her to just be able to walk; we knew something was wrong even without a label to place on her or a box to place her into. When her future existence in her lovely two-bedroom condo was tenuous at best, we began interviewing what we call Assisted Living facilities. What we found were either not acceptable by the typical dog or more expensive than imaginable.

Ironically, we asked her what she wanted to do, not knowing that this was like asking the heart replacement candidate after having opened them up for surgery; whether they wanted it to proceed or not.

Of course, she said “nyet”, well actually “no, I’m staying in my condo until I stop breathing”; which would be another seven long years!

One year later we were called by “the facility”, offering another private one-bedroom for merely $6,500.00 per month. Of course, this was 24-Hour care and not the twelve hour “In Home Supportive Service” which for six days weekly came out to $4,464.00 a month. What family is prepared for this scenario? I would venture to say not many.

Very recently my neighbor Robert who has lived with his “best-girlfriend” Deb for twenty years, started his slide down the highway of dementia. He is only 65. Robert lost forty pounds in about three months of basically forgetting to eat and God only knows what else. His roommate Deb was angry, confused, and felt betrayed by his recent behavior which included the reciting of all the sexual fantasies he may have had since the age of ten or so. His betrayal of her commitment and past support has left an intense feeling of alienation which appears like the Gulf of Aqaba. Without one doubt I can tell you after four close experiences with this disease-process in the last fifteen years; we just don’t know yet.

M. Philip Oliver

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Encouraging Education/ Constitutionality / Independent American/ Generation #142/ San Diego Native