Anxiety is an unwanted guest. A little parasite, she often comes in disguise to take root in your consciousness, then grows and grows, until she has her dirty claws entwined around it. Before blinking, you are trapped. You feel the claws closing in from all sides, reaching out for parts of you that you believed were yours.
Why am I writing this? … because I feel it. Every day I try to kick a little demon from my doorstep. I know others do, too. By describing it, I want to turn something overwhelming into something systematic. I want to understand why and how it happens. Most importantly, I want to know what helps us get better. I want to know how we can fight.
It may really start as something simple: a passing remark, a number on a scale, a deviation of routine, a pang of jealousy. A little drop in your ocean. A soft knock on your door. A planted seed.
Over time, the seed develops. Of course, you feel it — but, because you are looking another way, you can’t see it. You don’t perceive that the growing plant is not any flower, but a weed. One that touches your memories and forms infective associations. Maybe that comment about my appearance was malicious? I feel much fatter, and I have been skipping gym recently because of work. Look at that pretty girl there eating cake. I bet she doesn’t have these thoughts. I wish I was her. Life must be so simple.
The demon takes root and grows, spreading through your world.
Now, for many of us that are fortunate enough, our stress indicators get noticed by ones that care. We try our best, but, as the problems grow, we can’t keep up a smile as the demons expose themselves. It’s more than stress. You jitter. You tap the table. Your thoughts dance in bloody circles. You become violent, and might turn to abuse. This is where you try to explain how it all began, and where, sometimes, stumbling over your own fallacies, you reach a state of confusion. I feel …, but I know … . There is no harmony.
What many of us, and our loved ones, will attempt now is to try to push the problem back to its original size. It’s not so bad. You’re not seeing things clearly. However, from my experience, this is like untangling a thousand wires, or cutting the branches of a tree. It’s hard to fix the brain based on the premise that it is wired incorrectly, and without a blueprint that shows how it should interact with the body and the world. What is worse, the leech might feed on its own remains and reincarnate.
The next time you face this, take a step back. Look at the implications of your thoughts. When was the seed planted? Will this way of thinking help? How big is the problem really, relative to everything else in life? Upon others, spread kindness and light, by lifting the blinds and helping them see that there is more in the world beyond. Calm down and have a tea. Let me give you a hug for good-night. It’s a sunny day outside. You have done a good job.
Each of us afflicted are held in a dark cage as the poison is slowly injected. Rather than banging against the bars, let’s try to remember the life beyond the cage; because the demons are not really there — they’re in our minds.
