“Doctorin’ The Manual” or “HOW TO DEVELOP A TOP-RANKED APP — THE EASY WAY”

In 1988, ‘The Timelords’, AKA ‘The KLF’, AKA Jimmy Caughty and Bill Drummond published a study of their self-produced number 1 UK smash pop hit, called “The Manual” (How to Have a Number One the Easy Way).

In this article, I explore a rewrite of The Manual for the modern software entrepreneur. A rewrite through the lens of a ficticious Silicon Valley duo, “The Confirmed Curators of Kappa”, who have struck similar fame through the App Store. They share vital secrets to cracking the market, just as The Timelords did with ‘Doctorin’ the Tardis’.

It struck me that the formula for a popular app is similar to the one laid out for a pop single: start with a proven concept, elevate it but don’t gild it then slam it home.

The Timelords discuss lifting hooks from popular songs, a proven tactic. They also lay out a methodology for execution that translates fairly well to software delivery, carried out here to a near-satirical extreme.

So how do you go about starting a successful app, VR or AI company? Follow this simple step-by-step guide:

THE MANUAL
(HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL APP, VR OR AI STARTUP — THE EASY WAY)

TEXT BY:
LORD TECHBRO AND CODE BOY
A.K.A. THE CONFIRMED CURATORS OF KAPPA

THE BEGINNING
“HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL APP, VR OR AI STARTUP — THE EASY WAY”

Be ready to ride the tidal wave of disruption. Be ready to dip your hands in the magic bag of technology. Gather the clouds of fantasy and anoint your own genius. Because it is only by following the clear and concise instructions contained in this book that you can realize your entrepreneurial fantasies of having a successful app, VR or AI startup in Silicon Valley, thus guaranteeing you fame and fortune.

Other than achieving success with your startup, we offer you nothing else. There will be no endless wealth. Fame will flicker and fade and relationships will still be a problem. What was once yours for a few months will now enter the public domain.

In parts of this manual we will patronize you. In others we will cheat you. We will lie to you but we will lie to ourselves as well. You will, however, see through our lies and grasp the shining truth within. We will trap ourselves in our own pretensions. Our insights will be shot through with distort rays and we will revel in our own inconsistencies. If parts get too boring just fast forward — all the way to the end if need be.

Now, we all know that technology is not going to save the world but it does, undeniably, create new systems for organizing and monetizing human behavior. In years to come people will stagger home down lonely streets tapping on their devices, numbed by the endless stream of information, ads and notifications, all memory of who was behind the latest app or algorithm lost. It is you, though, who will be responsible for bringing back those lost tastes, smells, tears, longings, forgotten years and missed chances. So enjoy what you can while your startup is hot.

People equate startup success with fame and endless wealth — a myth that they want to believe and the tech media wants to perpetuate. Along with celebs and influencers, startup founders belong to a glittering world of launch parties, at one end of the scale, to catastrophic failures and bitter lawsuits at the other end. Their lives are dragged up, dressed up, made up and ultimately destroyed or forgotten. The celebrated, of course, are apt to fall into a world of expensive cars, mansions and broken relationships. But even this is given the unicorn treatment instead of exposing the squalid misery of empty success.

Basically, having a successful startup is seen as the ultimate validation in tech entrepreneurship. Getting that Series A funding round. The crowning glory.

The majority of successful startups peak early in the founder’s career and before a solid business model has been proven. Most founders are never able to recover from the initial success of their first startup and it becomes the albatross around their necks — the thing they are forever measured against. The fact that an app or company gets a ton of buzz and users automatically means it’s highly likely to become oversaturated and worthless within a short period of time.

Once or twice a decade a startup will burst through with an app or technology that taps into a major need, and the public’s appetite for their innovation will not be satisfied with just one product. The formula will be copied and iterated on endlessly. The prison is then complete; either the founder will be destroyed trying to prove their creativity goes beyond their first success, or they succumb willingly and spend the rest of their career selling the nostalgia of the good old days. These are the lucky few. Most never have the chance of a repeat home run and quietly join a corporate tech job or consulting firm.

Even if the unwitting founder doesn’t know the above, be assured that most experienced investors do but refuse to acknowledge it. They continue to view the startup’s quick rise and massive valuation as striking gold and will pump in millions hoping to catch lightning in a bottle twice.

So what’s left? What’s the point? What can be achieved when little financial reward or creative freedom can be hoped for, let alone guaranteed? We don’t know.

If this book succeeds in becoming the modern “Play In A Day” guide for lost souls trying to make their mark on the tech scene, we will be happy. If anybody actually gets a successful startup by following our instructions we promise them a ride in our self-driving Tesla around Silicon Valley. We will arrange everything. For those that might be offended, please read all “he’s”, “hims” and “his”’ as “she’s”, “hers” and “hers”’. Being bros it was easier writing it the way we did.

So how do you go about starting a successful app, VR or AI company? Follow this simple step-by-step guide:

Firstly, you must be living in your van or RV near Stanford, with no stable income or job prospects. Anybody with a proper tech job or steady paycheck will not have the time to devote to see it through. Also, living on the fringes of Silicon Valley gives you a clearer perspective on the inequality and dysfunction at the heart of the tech industry. If you already are a programmer, stop coding. Even better, sell your laptop and VR headset. It will become clearer later on why, but for now just take our word for it. Sitting around optimizing algorithms or tweaking new UI designs just complicates and distracts you from the main objective. Even worse than being a coder is already working at a startup. Most startups that get to Series A and beyond are not started by renegade outsiders — unless they are puppets for venture capital.

If you are working at a startup you will undoubtedly be aware of the petty squabbles and political struggles that fester and grow inside them. This toxicity only gets worse as the startup gets bigger rounds of funding. All startups end in acrimonious lawsuits, tears and shattered dreams. The myth of a startup being a scrappy gang of innovators “taking on the world” is mostly BS that the tech journalists use to get page views.

Mind you, it’s helpful to have a partner, someone you can bounce ideas off — but no more than two founders. Any more factions develop and you may as well go into politics. There is no place for naive ideals of changing the world through technology and teamwork.

Read TechCrunch and ProductHunt obsessively and learn from it. When the time is right it is through TechCrunch and Hacker News that you will convince other entrepreneurs and investors to take interest in your company, long before you have any actual product or users. Remember, TechCrunch is very influential and has outlasted most other tech blogs. Taking the world-weary, “I’m above the hype” stance will only get you so far these days. I repeat, embrace ProductHunt and learn to love the platform that matters most right now.

You can begin this journey at any time…

MONDAY MORNING
Monday morning. There is no turning back now. If you did you would look like a complete wimp to your mates who although might be telling you you are a total crackpot for attempting it, will be harbouring a deep admiration for your gall. Not only that but you will face a cancellation fee from your co-working space or accelerator, which will amount to at least half the full costs for the week’s use.

Using your chosen mode of transport get there for about quarter to nine. Don’t forget to bring your laptop, notebook, and black pen.

Don’t bring a briefcase or backpack, you would be in danger of looking like a minor league product manager.

On arriving at the space, introduce yourself to the community manager, find out where the cafe is and put on the coffee maker. A day’s work coding cannot start without first having a cup of coffee.

The space will be filled impressive gear and fast wifi. Do not be intimidated — it is all there ready to work for you. There will be thousands of lines of code and complex algorithms that the engineers around you comprehend and build upon. This might overawe you but just remember many of them were most probably reading Hacker News only moments before you walked in, perusing some new framework or cloud technology that’s come on the market that every startup should be leveraging. Those programmers are going to be worried that you will notice they haven’t integrated it yet into their pile of legacy code.

Your co-founder or CTO should already have arrived and have their gear set up. Sit down with them. Get another cup of coffee if need be and then be totally frank with them. Don’t try and bluff your way at all. Tell them that the goal is to build a startup that will get into Y Combinator. Show them your mockups, explain your grand vision, and map out the minimal viable product you want built in a week.

Get the CTO to give you a quick tour of their infrastructure and architecture and a rough idea of how everything works. Have them explain what capabilities their stack of technologies has, revel in the details of microservices and serverless, and then ask them to turn up the AC.

Tell the CTO to focus on getting an MVP stood up that you can demo; they’ll know what to build and you’ve given them enough user stories to be busy for days. If you are technically inclined, feel free to pair program with them and learn. Or just grab a beanbag chair and brainstorm product ideas and answer their questions when they need clarification. If something sounds wrong with the user experience, tell them. If something seems nicely implemented, tell them. At all times encourage them with free snacks and energizing chat.

There will likely be a junior engineer or intern around attempting to ply you with Pour Overs and cold brew. If not, offer to make caffeine runs for the CTO and engineers whenever they start to lag. To begin with they will look to you for direction and you can tell them that X, Y and Z screens should feel like Facebook, Uber and Instagram. Learning the language of building modern software products is learning the language of talking about UX/UI patterns and techniques used successfully by other companies.

From now on in you will begin to feel the inevitable pull of the unseen life force of the product you have allowed to be created. It will be as if you are in a rocket ship and suddenly from nowhere a wisp of flame propels the booster stage. Your job is to strap in and at all times never lose sight of your north star metrics. Let the coders crank out the features. Let the designers make it look sleek. Let the junior PM write up the release notes. Remember, if you ever let go of the vision to dive into the implementation your startup may be lost — along with any chance of ever getting that 3 am email from YC inviting you to interview.

From now on in nearly everybody you will be dealing with has the possibility of becoming a millionaire by what they do. The success of your startup is going to help them get there, even if they don’t share directly in the wealth when you exit. It is because of this that you will not come across any “9-to-5ers”. Quite the opposite; nothing will be too much trouble.

Engineers are a rare breed. They all assume they are 10x productive hackers — or at least have the potential to be with the right project and leadership.

The plus side of this is they will work crazy hours to prove this is the case. The down side is that since Facebook made it big tons of programmers think they just need to build some slick web app to be the next Zuckerberg. Once the engineers understand you are dedicated to your mission and product vision, they will go with you.

In their own world, startup engineers can become superstars with six figure salaries and millions in stock options. The great thing is they rarely become openly arrogant divas; the communal ethos of hacker culture keeps egos in check. Also the successful engineers understand their leverage — passive aggressiveness gets more things done than being a prima donna. Whereas the successful founder suffers from continual paranoia that they don’t really know what they are doing and that one bug could destroy everything. They need their arrogance to hide behind.

Your CTO can also hit it big financially with a successful exit; they will be able to demand a considerably higher salary and equity once they have been associated with a hit startup or two. They also have the chance to get a cut of the action if their engineering contributions go above and beyond the call of duty. They seem to develop the uncanny knack of architecting additional services and infrastructure guaranteeing them, in law, their fair share of equity and profits.

We would like to take this opportunity to tell you about the workspace, the CTO, and the designers we have worked with.

The space is called Rocket Dome and it is located on the fringe of the Stanford campus next to a vegan cafe and bike shop. Whatever we say about the decor or kombucha on tap would do a disservice to the people who work there. As there are no entertaining distractions it inspires hard work. The space seems to attract a variety of quirky types who embraced the outdoor lifestyle in Colorado before moving to Palo Alto. The older engineers have a constant need to crack jokes about cascading style sheets and debate quantum computing.

Our CTO, Elon Kowalski, is probably a genius. He is wicked smart but also understands how to breathe life into wireframes. He has highlights in his ponytail and wears toe socks. He finds it impossible to talk to PMs without getting defensive about his tech decisions. He is a militant vegan but also a violent coffee purist. He drives a self-balancing scooter and is always reading a book about AI ethics. He plays bass in a Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band.

Our designer, Steve Miyamoto, is a prodigy. He can visually communicate any complex workflow you throw at him. His windowsill fermentation projects suggest he may have gotten carried away watching Bon Appetit’s Youtube channel during the lockdowns. He sports ever-changing facial hair and wears custom printed leggings. He continually tries new pour-over techniques in pursuit of the perfect cup.

Without them, these two Bay Area savants, our startup would be nowhere. We would not have to suffer the ProductBoard standups and user testing sessions. But we also would not have pivoted our business model so many times into confusion.

Elon Musk, who sponsors the workspace, means well. He is lost somewhere between mad genius and just plain mad. Had a minor hit in the 90s with PayPal before having bigger visions. Owns a fleet of private jets to transport him between his many mansions. Is understanding when we blow through our AWS budget. Drives an amphibious Tesla and knows all the top VCs. The other regular clients at Rocket Dome are Mark Zuckerberg and the Google founders.

We would like to go on record as saying if you want to make it big in Silicon Valley, embed at Rocket Dome. If that doesn’t get us some free Azure credits, the rest will have to be told.

While the CTO and designers are hard at it, drinking their cold brew and clicking their mice (make sure they are constantly churning out Figmas) you have to get acclimated to the fact that you now have a workspace for a week. You can use the meeting rooms, whiteboards, and amenities. As well as getting your MVP built between Monday and Friday you have to make all the arrangements and appointments for your time in San Fran the following week.

You are going to need an intro to some incubators/accelerators, find an IP lawyer, get an accountant, and explore funding options for when you need to scale up. The lawyer comes first. Get talking with the community manager. Tell them your goals and seek their advice. They should be able to give you some names to follow up with. Pick their brains about angels, super angels, and early stage VCs; they might know nothing but they also might know loads. Every accelerator has experimented with investing in startups spun out of their program. Most fail dismally but the odd one becomes a unicorn. It’s a strange fact we do not fully understand — these ecosystems seem like they should be able to identify and fund the hottest prospects but they often miss the big exits. We suppose this must be a good thing. There have to be countless community managers across the country kicking themselves for letting billion dollar ideas slip through their fingers. But that’s not your problem.

Your problem is getting an intro to someone in the Bay Area who can put you up for a few days next week. Make appointments with the lawyers and accountants. Tell them on the phone your idea and that you have no funding yet but need help forming an entity and handling finances.

Startup lawyers and accountants play a competitive game. They will be willing to do some pro bono work or defer fees based on potential upside if you get funding and grow. They don’t want to miss out on the next mega startup that could earn their firm millions in billable hours. It’s acknowledged that every potential unicorn needs legal help before they’ve made a cent.

Company formation, IP, and funding; Ask them about protecting your intellectual property, forming your LLC/C-Corp/S-Corp, and filing for EINs. Tell them the name of the accountant that your co-founder recommends. Do you know them? Who would they recommend?

The accountant should be your next call. Much of what we said about lawyers applies here too.

They will set you up with the proper registrations and permits. They will instruct you to keep receipts and track costs. Listen, take notes, ask questions. Their world of cap tables and 409a valuations is complex but vital. To you it may seem disconnected from the reality of users downloading your app but if you ignore the accounting you could find yourself in debt and dealing with the IRS even if your startup succeeds. Judge them by their expertise and experience, not the fintech logos on their website.

Okay time to move on. Other things to handle this week: Figure out your legal entity, explore funding options and investor connections. Your co-founder or the community manager should be able to provide warm intros to angels, super angels, and micro-VCs. You must get a few meetings or calls booked with potential funding sources by end of week. The partner at the VC firm is going to be your most important relationship going forward. Their belief in your vision can make everything possible.

Discuss tentative milestones and funding requirements with the VC or angels you meet. If they seem genuinely interested in your space and your team, press them for intros to other investors and founders in their network. It’s all about expanding your network now.

Most of the logistics around forming the actual company can be deferred until you’ve secured funding or gotten into an accelerator. So focus on storytelling, networking, building hype this week. Your community manager and lawyers will keep you out of legal trouble in the meantime.

Let Thursday be for reflecting on the week’s progress and resting your brain. You may begin to settle into a mild ennui. Attend a rooftop mixer. Read TechCrunch. Then let Friday pass at its own pace.

On Saturday a self-driving car crashes into a bus. When investigators check the black box data will it show you were at fault? Probably not.

THE FIFTH WEEK
The fifth week will be packed as you head to San Francisco. Sign agreements, open bank accounts, meet more investors. Print some slick pitch decks and order swag with your logo. Update your AngelList profile. Start assembling an advisory board. Get promo cards designed and printed, do a product photoshoot.

Most of the formation stuff can be deferred but you want to show momentum and progress to investors so they know you are serious. Meeting mentors and high profile advisors will also generate more buzz to pique investor interest. Your lawyers and accountants will keep you legal, so focus on hype and fundraising.

Discuss tentative milestones and budgets with potential investors. Shop yourself around the VC offices on Sand Hill Road. You need to secure funding or get into an accelerator soon.

Also spend time practicing your pitch and messaging. Research your competition more. Work on your branding and content marketing. Update your social media channels. Draft some blog posts and start building an audience.

Network constantly. Expand your connections. Sell your vision to anyone who will listen. Live, breathe, and dream your startup now.

The coding and legalities can come later — you need traction and funding to get to the next level first! This is a pivotal window of time. Make the most of it!

TUESDAY MORNING
Tuesday morning. The history of technology startups has been littered with all sorts of unlikely people plucked from obscurity and catapulted to fame and fortune. Startup success stories would be exiled from the Bullshit Ball if they could not provide their full quota of rags-to-riches tales. We have all heard the old legend about college dropouts and hobbyists slogging away in garages before making it big. The other side of the same coin is that it is these humble beginnings that enable the slick VC machinery to then ruthlessly exploit these raw talents once they gain traction. With each new wave of innovation there comes a narrative where bright-eyed founders are supposedly able to succeed on their own terms: microcomputer enthusiasts, hackers, open source pioneers, social media whiz kids. Of course, the founders do very little themselves initially. Their fans are encouraged to believe they are empowered innovators. But all that is happening is the new crops are allowed to grow until the thresher comes to harvest the prime ears of corn while the rest of the field cheers then withers and dies waiting for their exit. A new harvest is always needed.

The DJ with some turntables and a crate of vinyl can top the charts with some production equipment and samplers. Yet again this was branded as bedroom coders emancipating technology from the suits. But the common ingredient under the slick new exterior was hungry unknowns willing to work all hours to build something people wanted. No pedigree or credentials, no warning or runway — they put it out into the word and it took off.

Of course there is another argument; “needs are manufactured and markets manipulated. Tech products are the ultimate example of this. There are greedy founders cynically exploiting the lives of users so they can make billions.” This is an empty line of reasoning pursued by those who have never felt the power of disruptive innovations. They have no soul.

Forget these barren notions and let your mind be electrified by the 1’s and 0's.

THE WORKSPACE
DON’T SKIP THIS SECTION ON WORKSPACES
IT MUST BE READ DURING YOUR LUNCH BREAK BEFORE CHOOSING YOUR HUB

The workspace is where you will create your startup’s first product. There are hundreds of co-working spaces and incubators across the country, from Seattle to Austin to NYC.

THE COMMUNITY MANAGER
Most spaces are run by someone who is actively involved day-to-day. They are enthusiastic types who love the promise and energy of startups. Often they have worked at young companies themselves before deciding to run their own hub. Unfortunately it is rarely lucrative but they have to keep membership numbers up and sponsors happy.

The community manager often has a very clear-eyed view of the startup game. They’ve witnessed firsthand overnight successes and dramatic failures. They’ve seen awkward code nerds walk in with just a laptop and a dream then leave a few months later as media darlings with millions in funding, developing egos and Uberscent lifestyles.

A nagging concern for the community manager is high vacancy rates. There is way more shared office supply than demand. This creates desperate competition to attract members. One outcome is nicer and nicer facilities and perks to woo prospective startups. This also keeps the resident entrepreneurs happy and deters them from defecting rival spaces with better kombucha on tap. We will delve further into the fascinating ecosystem of the startup workspace later.

THE SPACE
Workspaces can be found in the most unlikely buildings and odd locations. Some maintain a low profile to deter solicitors and tour groups.

The key differentiator is the sponsorship level which determines the quality of amenities — from foldout tables and patchy wifi to catered lunches and VR pods. Don’t get dazzled by the swag and decor. All that matters is hustle and acumen, not plush furniture. In fact, a modest space might inspire more scrappy innovation.

A welcoming community manager, functional facilities and some whiteboard walls is all you really need. Plus good coffee — non-negotiable.

Most larger spaces have expanded to house various options: private offices to hotdesks, podcast studios to event spaces. They’ve become one-stop shops for the tools needed to grow a business today. We’ll refer to all of them as workspaces moving forward.

Workspace rates and memberships vary but always include some community perks and hospitality. Don’t worry about short term discounts and incentives. Your primary concern is getting traction and raising funding, a fluctuating desk rental rate is meaningless in the grand scheme.

Focus on what will make that happen fastest: mentorship opportunities? investor connections? programmer cooperation? Look beyond the surface level and marketing fluff.

MEMBER SERVICES
We mentioned the community manager handles operations but most spaces have additional staff running events, fostering connections, even assisting with funding and promotion. These can become vital partners in your quest for startup success.

Don’t let initial impressions fool you — that awkward intern could connect you to your lead angel investor. And the humble mailroom clerk might know CSS better than half of Silicon Valley. Judge them by their knowledge and attitude, not job titles. We are all equals in the church of disruption.

FUNDING ANGELS
We spoke earlier about the value of warm introductions when exploring funding options. Your community manager’s rolodex might hold the keys to Sand Hill Road. They themselves dabbled with a e-scooter on-demand startup once and still get happy hours with VC associates. Chat them up, seek their advice. Every space has tried backing resident entrepreneurs before. Most failed but that one unicorn makes up for all the strikeouts. It’s unclear why they keep whiffing — you’d think with access to so many innovative minds they’d have more wins. But their loss can be your gain.

Your problem is finding someone local who can host you next week. Get appointments with angels and lawyers lined up now. Tell them your idea, traction to date, and need for capital over the phone.

Legal counsel and funding are very competitive fields. They’ll entertain some free consultation to build rapport, hoping your big exit nets their firm seven figures in billables down the road. It’s acknowledged every potential “next big thing” needs lawyers before making a dime.

Manufacturing and distribution. In the old days hardware startups had to prototype and find manufacturers before scaling. Now capital lets you outsource that. The cloud has democratized server capacity and storage. You can score credit with AWS and Heroku before building anything. Distribution happens virally through the app stores.

You’ll still need help with digital marketing and PR but first focus on the MVP code, legal, and funding. The rest flows once you gain traction.

Workspace community is vital — ask about connecting with mentors, angels, journalists. They should introduce you to relevant folks. Use their phones and book meetings ASAP.

Attracting investors is a numbers game initially. Pitch broadly, collect feedback, iterate. Most will pass but all might connect you to someone else. Expand your network constantly. Sell your vision to anyone who will listen. There are thousands of rich guys in the Valley looking to play VC. You just need to hook one.

Dream big. Budget later. Talk to every potential funder. Return home exhausted each night knowing you moved the needle closer to liftoff.

DON’T SKIP THIS SECTION ON COWORKING SPACES AND INCUBATORS. READ BEFORE JOINING ONE.

The coworking space is where you’ll build your startup’s MVP. There are hundreds scattered across the Bay Area, from South Bay campuses to SF lofts.

THE SPACE OWNER

Most spaces are privately run by someone actively involved day-to-day. A few are affiliated with VC funds. The owners are enthusiastic types who love the startup scene. Often they launched their own successful company before deciding to help the next generation. Unfortunately this is rarely a lucrative business. They’ll spend years hustling and networking to keep the space going.

The owner understands the challenges of startups. They’ve lived the ride, cranking out code or pitching late into the night. They share cautionary tales of ego clashes and disastrous pivots. Respect their experience, but take advice with salt. Times change fast. Some outdated tactics still hold up, but the inverse is also true.

Above all, owners know competition is fierce. Occupancy rates matter more than profit. One thing stays on their mind — keeping seats filled. So they splurge on swag, events, and the latest gadgets to attract new members. This constant upgrade also retains ambitious engineers who might defect to a rival space with cooler tech.

THE COMMUNITY MANAGER

The community manager (vs owner) handles day-to-day operations — events, facilities, member experience. At smaller spaces this role is often filled by the owner or a single dedicated staffer. Larger spaces have multiple skilled CMs whose presence drives the culture.

STARTUP FOUNDERS

A shifting cohort of founders and coders fill the space. Some may have great ideas but still learning their craft. Others are startup veterans who have already cashed out. Most are chasing their first big break. All will mentor you if you ask. Don’t be shy.

THE SPACE

Some spots feel like an upscale office. Others like a kid’s clubhouse. One constant — fast wifi and caffeine. Oh, and gizmos…VR, 3D printers, laser cutters, etc. Resist the urge to tinker for now. Stick to your goals. For all the bells and whistles, you could likely build a fortune from a plastic chair and used laptop (with internet).

Size typically denotes focus — smaller to collaborate, larger to self-direct in. But don’t read too much into aesthetics. Amazing startups have emerged from garages and cramped offices before the whole campus arms race. In fact, beware spaces too slick — you risk becoming another minor exhibit in a VC’s vanity project.

Just ensure the vibe is welcoming and genuine. You’ll be spending many hours here so make sure you can focus. Too sterile and you’ll crave inspiration. Too chaotic and you’ll crave silence. Trust your gut.

Costs vary widely by location and amenities. But here too the market is saturated. Owners will negotiate — especially if you book dedicated workspace. Leverage this to your advantage. We realize you are cash strapped currently. But the responsible owner thinks long term. They will work with you, perhaps sliding equity in place of cash. After all, your success reflects their brand. Most spaces are thrilled just covering costs early on. The unicorns can fund expansion and nicer digs later.

In this overbuilt environment, always have a backup option before finalizing a lease. Use this as leverage if needed. Once committed, embrace fully. Be a model member and contribute ideas. With some luck and hustle you may someday return to sponsor your own wing. For now just focus on building routine and momentum.

That’s enough pep talk — back to tactical matters. Do your research and trust your instincts choosing a space. Soon it will feel like home.

RIGHT AFTER 1PM TUESDAY

JUST AFTER 1 PM TUESDAY
Just after 1 pm Tuesday, call the coworking space you’ve booked and tell them you’re going to need someone who can code, ideally a coder who can also design. Every coworking space can get one for you. This coder is going to be the person who will provide the backbone, the structure, the interface, even the aesthetic of your app. They usually have a nerd’s mentality mixed with the talent of a digital wizard. We’re afraid they won’t be included in the price of the coworking space, but the space manager should be able to sort out the going rate for you and cut the deal with them. Get them booked for the full five days.

Have a bite of your food truck burrito and read the following chapter. It will allay any doubts you might have in your talents as a hit app creator and explains the Golden Rules. Between now and next Monday morning, you’re going to have to come up with the goods. Those goods are out there waiting for you to find before the others get there.

THE GOLDEN RULES
Jobs and Wozniak, Page and Brin, Zuckerberg, GeoHot, and the Confirmed Curators of Kappa have all understood the Golden Rules thoroughly. The reason why Kappa won’t continue churning out top-ranked apps from now until the end of the century and the others had only limited reigns, was not because lady luck’s hand strayed elsewhere or that fashion moved on, it’s because after you’ve had a run of success and your coffers are full, keeping strictly to the G.R.’s is boring. It all becomes empty and meaningless. Some have become emotionally or business-wise embroiled with developers whose own ambitions now lie elsewhere and far from merely having top-ranked apps. Jobs and Wozniak could walk into a coworking space tomorrow and have a worldwide top-ranked app in three months if they were so motivated.

The basic Golden Rules as far as they apply to creating a debut app that can go to top-ranked in the U.S. App Store are as follows: Do not attempt the impossible by trying to work the whole thing out before you go into the coworking space. Working in a coworking space has to be a fluid and creative venture but at all times remember at the end of it you’re going to have to have an app that fulfills all the criteria perfectly. Do not try and sit down and write a complete app. Apps that have been written in such a way and reached top-ranked can only be done by the true app creating genius and be delivered by developers with such forceful convincing passion that the world HAS TO download. You know the sort of thing, “Instagram” by Kevin Systrom, “Snapchat” by Evan Spiegel. What the Golden Rules can provide you with is a framework that you can slot the component parts into.

Firstly, it has to have a user interface that will run all the way through the app and that the current app downloading generation will find irresistible. Secondly, it must be no larger than 100 MB (just under 80 MB is preferable). If they are any larger, users will start deleting early or complaining about the space it takes up, when the core functionality is finally being hammered home — the most important part of any app. Thirdly, it must consist of an intro, a user journey, a core functionality, second user journey, a second core functionality, a breakdown section, back into a double length core functionality and outro. Fourthly, content. You will need some, but not much.

CAUSALITY PLUS A PINCH OF MYSTICISM
It’s going to be a construction job, fitting bits together. You’ll have to find the Steve Jobs in you to make it work. Your magpie instincts must come to the fore. If you think this just sounds like a recipe for some horrific monster, be reassured by us, all apps can only be the sum or part total of what has gone before. Every top-ranked app ever created is only made up from bits from other apps. There is no lost algorithm. No changes untried. No extra features to the interface or hidden functionalities to the app. There is no point in searching for originality.

In the past, most creators of apps spent months in their lonely RVs tapping their keyboards or developers in coworking spaces have ground their way through endless lines of code before arriving at the app that takes them to the very top. Of course, most of them would be mortally upset to be told that all they were doing was leaving it to chance before they stumbled across the tried and tested. They have to believe it is through this sojourn they arrive at the grail; the great and original app that the world will be unable to resist.

So why don’t all apps work the same? Why are some developers great, create dozens of classics that move you to post on LinkedIn, say it like it’s never been said before, make you laugh, dance, blow your mind, fall in love, take to the streets and riot? Well, it’s because although the features, interfaces, functionalities, UI elements and calls to action have all been used before their own soul shines through; their personality demands attention. This doesn’t just come via the great coder or virtuoso designer. The Silicon Valley sound, the most totally linear programmed apps ever, lacking any humanity in its execution reeks of sweat, sex and desire. The creators of that app just press a few buttons and out comes — a million years of pain and lust.

We await the day with relish that somebody dares to make a social media app that consists of nothing more than an electronically programmed like button that continues replays the likes with different CSS styles. Then, when somebody else brings one out using exactly the same like button sound and at the same confetti explosion effect, we will all be able to tell which is the best, which inspires the user base to grow the fastest, which has the most sex and the most soul. There is no doubt, one will be better than the other. What we are basically saying is, if you have anything in you, anything unique, what others might term as originality, it will come through whatever the component parts used in your future top-ranked app are made up from. Creators of apps who desperately search originality usually end up with apps that have none because no room for their spirit has been left to get through. The complete history of the social media app is based on one interface structure, hundreds of thousands of apps using the same three basic features in the same pattern. Through this seemingly rigid formula has come some of the twenty-first century’s greatest apps. In our case, we used parts from three very famous apps, Facebook’s “Like”, 𝕏’s “Retweet” and Instagram’s “Filters” and pasted them together, neither of us writing a line of code on the app. We know that the finished app contains as much of us in it as if we had spent three months locked away somewhere trying to create our master-work. The people who downloaded the app and who probably do not give a blot about the inner souls of the app’s creators, let’s say “CodeMasterX” or “DesignGuruY”, knew they were getting an app of supreme originality.

Don’t worry about being accused of being a copycat. Even if you were to, you don’t have the time to take the trial and error route. The simplest thing to do would be to flick through your copy of the “List of Best-Selling Software”, find a popular title from a previous era and do a modern version of it, dressing it up in the clothes of today. Every year there is at least a couple of developers who get their debut Number One this way. From the last decade we have already had:

Microsoft Office Suite
Adobe Creative Cloud
Final Cut Pro
AutoCAD
Minecraft
Among Us
Call of Duty: Mobile
Fortnite
Zoom
Slack

There are, however, the negative facts in taking this route. Using already proven software can give you a false sense of security when you are in the development phase. You can end up under the illusion that the software is such a classic that whatever you do, the software itself will be able to carry it through. You tend to lose your objectivity in the production of your version. The all-important software reviewers hate nothing more than a classic software covered badly.

The classic old software, while fulfilling all the Golden Rules in software development, might have a feature set that may only ever relate to one period in software history. There have been numerous past Number One’s where this has been the case:

Lotus 1–2–3
WordStar
WinZip
Netscape Navigator
Winamp

Unless there is a revival of the zeitgeist of times past where the feature set in some way makes sense again, these software should be stayed well clear of.

Sometimes, almost the opposite can happen. By covering a cleverly picked old software it can be re-developed in such a way that it is now more relevant to today’s new software users, both feature-wise and technologically, than the original was to the past generations of software users. Minecraft and Among Us are both perfect examples of this in the last decade. The original versions of these software were classics for the discerning but could not compete in the global market place of their day.

The other negative in doing a cover version is you lose all the credit. That means you will earn no royalties on the software, however many it sells. We will explain later the mysteries of software royalties, but for now just take it from us that having a Number One with a cover, as opposed to your own software, is the equivalent of throwing away a minimum of $10,000.

There is no denying that in picking the right title from the past and developing it well will result in a sure-fire success. The promoters of the content on ‘𝕏’, tech blog reviewers, and YouTube influencers will subliminally warm to your software and feel at ease with it.

GROOVE

Alright, let’s dive headfirst into the swirling vortex of app development. The first thing you need to grab hold of is the equivalent of a fundamental force in physics. Just like gravity, electromagnetism, and nuclear forces are the cosmic glue holding the universe together, this fundamental force, this core functionality, is the secret sauce that’ll keep your app from flying apart at the seams and keep your users hooked like junkies on payday.

Newton, that old English genius, once said that an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. This is inertia, baby. In the wild, wild west of app development, inertia is the user’s stubborn tendency to stick with the devil they know, unless a shinier devil comes along.

So, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to be that shinier devil. You’ve got to create that unbalanced force, that irresistible siren call that lures users away from their old, boring apps and into the exciting, uncharted waters of yours. Now, this doesn’t mean you have to reinvent the wheel. Just like physicists stand on the shoulders of giants, you can take what works from successful apps and make it better. Polish it, refine it, give it a fresh coat of paint and watch as users flock to your superior product.

Remember, in the unforgiving laws of physics, energy can’t be created or destroyed, only transferred or transformed. The same goes for the tech world. Ideas and concepts are like play-dough, constantly being squished, squashed, and reshaped. What works in one context can be tweaked and twisted to work in another. So, don’t be shy about drawing inspiration from a smorgasbord of sources.

Finally, just as the laws of physics are the invisible puppet masters pulling the strings of every particle in the universe, so too are the principles of good app design. User engagement, functionality, adaptability — these are the holy trinity of app development. Keep these principles at the forefront of your mind as you dive into the trenches of app development, and you’ll be on the fast track to creating a product that users can’t resist. It’s a long, hard road, but the view from the top is worth it. So, strap in, hold on tight, and enjoy the ride.

Don’t fall into the trap of making “app hopping” a habit; it’s a digital rabbit hole that can suck you in. People start to believe that if they’re not constantly downloading the latest apps, they’re missing out on something. But the only thing they’re really missing out on is a deeper understanding of the apps they already have. Once you’re in the world of an app, you have to leave your preconceptions at the door. Dive in, explore its depths, and you might just find something truly remarkable.

So, ensure you identify a core feature that can serve as the cornerstone of your application. This feature, whether it’s paying for Reddit API access or interoperability with the new ‘𝕏’ APIs, should be concise and impactful, not exceeding the complexity equivalent of eight bars of music. Remember, time is of the essence in the app development world. While you’re deliberating, another app is ascending the charts. Choose your battles wisely and act swiftly, because in this Silicon Valley race, every second counts.

GRAPHIC DESIGN AND UX TESTING
(TO DESIGN OR NOT TO DESIGN)
You might be wondering by now who is going to design the visual elements of your app! If you already think you are a great graphic designer and a proficient UX tester, then we have a problem. It means you will have the sort of ego that will render it totally impossible for you to be objective about everything else that has got to be done. Graphic designers and UX testers have historically made the worst evaluators of their own work. The reason for this is simply that designers and testers have to become so emotionally involved in their work it cancels out any sort of over view. At the very least they need a partner that can give them some direction. If a designer or tester was able to have this calculated view of their own work the end product would undoubtedly come over as cold and empty.

So if you do see yourself as a designer or tester, find a partner fast before going any further. If you do not have ambitions to design or test, it looks like you are in luck, as we have entered a period of app history where design and testing as a focal point to communicate the emotional content of a Number One app is not necessary. The potential of this is something that seems to have been forgotten since the advent of the first mobile apps back in the early 2000s. Yet again we have to thank the advent of AI-driven design and testing tools for helping rediscover this fact.

The app designer (like his forerunner the web designer of the nineties and early 2000s) realizes that the most important thing is keeping the user engaged and the thing that keeps the users engaged now (as it was then) is the user experience with its underpinning usability factor. Design throughout has always just provided a distraction from the main event — what is happening on the user’s screen and not on the designer’s canvas.

The balance is to have a visually appealing interface with user-friendly navigation. This will be the form that a sizable percentage of chart-topping apps will take for some time to come, long after the novelty of flashy animations and complex interfaces has worn off.

With debut apps that become big hits, it will be even more noticeable. A debut app on becoming a hit relies totally on its novelty quality. There is no user base rushing out to download it. Instant brand recognition of the developer doesn’t exist. People don’t get into the quality of an app’s design until they have used at least three apps by the same developer.

A quality designer might create visually stunning apps and go on to have an incredibly successful long-term career but the look of their design would have never got their debut app to Number One. A simple, user-friendly design has more of a chance getting to Number One than a complex, visually stunning design ever has.

The only way a designer’s work can help it get to Number One is if it has such a distinctive quality the world can’t help but react to it instantly, almost to the point of inspiring ridicule: The minimalist design of “Flappy Bird”, the skeuomorphic design of early iOS apps, and the Material Design of Google apps are three examples that spring to mind. We are sure if you check your app store history you will find dozens more.

So unless you know of somebody down your way who has got a ridiculously outrageous design style that’s going to grab the users’ attention with one use and work in the context of your app, forget it. The world is full of competent designers that don’t get to Number One.

The visuals for the interface of your app are going to be easy enough to sort out. They need no individual distinctive qualities whatsoever. When you get into the development phase they will be able to book a couple of graphic designers for you. All development companies are in touch with numerous local designers desperate to do any projects they can; you only have to decide whether to have a minimalist, skeuomorphic, or a mixture of both. Of course, if you want an “all lads together” type design like we had with “Flappy Bird” you just rope in whoever’s hanging around the office at the time and design it. That cuts out having to pay proper graphic designers. Nobody would dare ask to be paid for having a laugh, acting the lad — buy them a pint and they will be well happy.

Designers — good or bad — are invariably a problem. They not only make incredibly bad time keepers which can lead to disastrous consequences when you are facing a jam-packed schedule during the period when your app has entered the Top 30 but not yet made Number One, they also tend to confuse their role as designer of apps with that of would-be world leaders.

For the majority of people the look of the app and the design that is being seen throughout the use just merge into the overall experience of the app. The design that is being seen could be any old gibberish, only the design of the main interface has any real importance. Of course, there are the exceptions when the classic narrative design breaks through and storms the Number One slot. These can never be planned and I’m sure the designers of these freak hits are as surprised as anybody when it happens. So unless you want to risk everything on some bizarre tale you have to tell, stick with us.

When it comes to app store reviews, designers make obvious focal points for the reviewers thus the users at home are forced to watch. This is not because what is coming out of their design is of any great importance, it is just the easy option tradition of the medium. In fact most designers on the app store make complete prats of themselves. The users at home amuse themselves discussing this pratishness, either the size of the app’s icons, its taste in color schemes, the dickhead state of its animations or their shagable qualities. This last example is usually done in such a disparaging and sexist way that it hardly inspires any real admiration. That said, you will need an act to go on the app store with. People will need some sort of human focal point to relate to. When you get your three minutes of prime time app store exposure you are going to have to grab the nation’s attention in whatever way possible and at the same time keep the app store’s director happy. The first half of 2023 saw numerous AI-driven designs standing motionless behind their pair of screens desperately holding onto their cool. Its novelty value soon wore off.

We will sort out the problem of getting a nation-grabbing act together in a later chapter, once you have the app designed and tested.

The type of devotion inspired amongst pubescent teenage girls for a certain app or developer takes effect on the second or third app. The hype machine is usually only smelling the scent by the second app and can then only shift into top gear on the third one. The chapter’s precis is the quality of a designer’s work and their attractiveness is only of any real importance in terms of a follow-up career.

THE FRAMEWORK(S) (THE CORE FUNCTIONALITY FACTOR)
Now that you’ve decided on the core feature of your app, it’s time to choose the software framework(s) that will serve as the foundation for your entire application, or at least the main sections. The software framework is the throbbing heart of your application, keeping the flow going. In the past, this was provided by the basic programming languages, but now it’s all about the frameworks. Even if you want your app to feel like it’s built from scratch, a framework will be used, then customized. It’s easier than getting some code-monkey to reinvent the wheel.

The core feature might already have a killer framework in mind, making the whole thing happen and to remove it and exchange it for another might destroy what you have already got. There are plenty of robust frameworks out there to try. You will know them, they are the ones that you can almost hum. The great thing about frameworks is that they are in public domain. Nobody, even if they do recognize it, will seriously accuse you of ripping somebody else’s framework off.

Major tech companies, who we cited earlier on for not being that adept at coming up with the killer Number One app features, CAN come up with the frameworks. “React Native” was the turning point in Facebook’s career. That framework, on their own admission, took them into the mega stratospheres where their myth now reigns. The fact is, “React Native” would be nothing without that flexible and efficient core; but they weren’t the first to use it. It had been featured in numerous applications by various developers before them. Facebook and their team must have been hanging out around the pool table in their air conditioned dimmed light atmosphere, Menlo Park studio one evening wondering: “What next?” when one of them came up with the idea of using the old flexible and efficient standby. Without making that decision back in 2015 there would have been no Instagram or Facebook Marketplace in 2023.

We are not trying to deny any of the very real talent that Facebook has, just trying to emphasize the possible importance of the killer framework.

Serious app developers hate it when an app has a dynamite framework for the main sections and then when the additional features come the framework changes, dragging the core functionality away from its “bad self” into having to follow those weak features. For them the whole movement of the app is destroyed for the sake of some nursery rhyme element they would rather see dumped.

Somehow these two important elements are going to have to be made to work together without the power of the core feature or the propulsion of main section framework being destroyed. Ideally, when an app hits its additional features it should feel it’s the natural thing to happen, a release from the tension of the main sections. By the end of the additional features you must feel like nothing is desired more than to slide back down into the vice-like grip of the framework.

Some app developers have a talent for getting it all their own way by coming up with a framework that never shifts from the beginning of the app until the end: intro, core features, additional features, breakdowns, outro all fitting around the same framework. For an app to feel like this and work away from the confines of the developer’s desk, it is going to have to be a real mutha of a framework. There must be some pretty insistent action going on on top of it to keep the casual user interested. Even on “React Native” they moved off the framework for the additional features.

For the time being the only decision you are going to need to make about the main sections is going to be making this decision on which framework is to be used with the other elements in the core feature.

More to come…