Thanks for this, from another gay man. Your post reminded me of this saved quote, so I’ll share it here (switch from race to gender):
“In response to the complaint of white writers about writing about people of color: “Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t,” I want to say: absolutely. You’re damned either way. If you don’t do it, you’re a racist. If you do do it and get it “wrong”, you’ll get reamed, and rightfully so. Further, if you do it and get it “right”, or rather, don’t get it wrong, you’ll still get reamed by members of that culture you’ve represented who rightfully resent a white writer’s success representing their culture. You’re a white writer trying to do the right thing, but no matter what you do, it’s wrong. And that’s so unfair to you, isn’t it?
Welcome to a tiny taste of what it’s like to be a person of color.”