Mister Peterson’s Neighborhood: Clear Visions: School Daze

#nowplaying Phonte ‘Who Loves You More’

…wounds opening up…but I knew they would.

First day of school for Duval county and I’m getting/seeing pictures of folks kids and it makes me think of all the times I use to live to wake up and make sure DeJuan was good. Going through stores trying to find that right pack of papers and keeping food in the house was interesting but…them days are over…and over for not so good reasons (to me). I woke up to the news and immediately turned it off because it was a reminder of the memories I would have like to have in all of this. Every ‘first day of school’, it was this ‘experience’. I would be overly happy and motivational to him…all to get a dull ass response from him (it’s clearly because his mom wasn’t in the picture like that…it isn’t any other reason…I’m convinced). Every time, it crushed me.

I told myself that I wouldn’t think much into this ‘first day of school’ frenzy but who was I fooling? I’m a parent, after a while, your brain is programmed to remember when planning days and Christmas breaks are. In July, you thinking of how you’re going to flip that money to make your kid fresh. When you don’t have that job anymore, you be looking crazy *laughs* but it’s worse when you think that all you’ve done is in vain and your kid act as if you didn’t do a damn thing. Talk about a slap in the face by life. So yeah…I’ve been getting slapped like crazy…indirectly. Eh.

My kid currently is ‘looking for a job’ and ‘prepping for school’. Translation: he sleeps all day and plays basketball. Folks say that it be like that some times (kids being lazy)…I don’t get it and I’m not trying to compare him to me…so don’t think that. On the flip, I haven’t taught my kid to do what he’s doing now so yeah…another slap in the face. Forgive me for wanting my kid to come out to the world killing things…but instead, he’s killing his brain cells!

…eh.

I need to work (I guess). Just typing and life thinking man. This type of shit makes you think about life so hard. Maybe I could enjoy that experience with others (because I will NOT have another kid) but nothing will top what I went through…and that’s me speaking on being in that healing stage. I’ve been winning so hard this year and yet, this situation ALWAYS get me semi down and thinking and wishing I had that relationship with DeJuan. As everyone says: he’ll get it/soon come. As I would say: when he does, I’ll be here (foolishly).

Who Loves You More.

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