Insomnia

Her head is on my chest. We’re lying in bed for the third night in a row. The lights are out and everything feels serene. I’m guessing the time is close to midnight. I can’t tell. My cell phone is out of reach and I don’t want to bother her while she’s laying on my chest.

I’m starting to overthink things again.

I think that she might be falling in love in me. I’m not sure I’m going to be comfortable with that.

That makes me sound foolish. Also makes me sound selfish. I haven’t been the best when it comes to dealing with uncertainty. But I’m slowly crawling out of my comfort zone and I’m not sure the first thing that I want to deal with is this rollercoaster of feelings and this thing called love.

I think she’s making a mistake. Why does she find comfort in someone like me? Not to paint a bad portrait of myself but I don’t feel like I’m the best person for someone to put their trust in. I try to be nice, courteous and humble. But I have my own situation and problems. But she doesn’t seem to care.

I’m sorry but I’m doing it again. The act of self sabotage. Degrading myself and not thinking highly of who I am as a person. But that’s why I’m feeling out with the place with the fact that she might be falling in love with me. I’m scared because I’m not feeling the same way about her. Or maybe I am. Sorry, I’m a bit conflicted about how exactly I should be feeling.

Her hand reaches up and caresses my face. Eyes still closed, she reaches up and kisses me on the cheek and goes back to her original position which was resting on my chest. I gently rub her shoulders.

Is this becoming a committed relationship or just something to pass the time? I don’t know how long this will last. I’m uncertain and that makes me anxious.

The voices in my head which used to reverberate and conjure different thoughts and stories are all dormant. There is no need to forecast tomorrow and think about what possibilities are in store for the next day like I usually do. Laying in bed with her makes all those things stop.

At this moment, I can make a decision to go outside the boundaries of my comfort and familiarity and step into the void where everything is unknown and unpredictable.

My defenses are down and I’m wondering how long I can stay vulnerable. The slightest danger will force me to retreat and avoid the agony of pain like the few times I was vulnerable in the past

So what’s different this time? What can’t I be crushed like the last time? Why do I think she’s having feelings for me?

Maybe because I know she’s vulnerable too. She’s let her defenses down as well. I know she’s not perfect. She told me so herself. I remember the time she told about how she cheated on her ex and got caught in the act. She said she felt like the scum of the earth when he screamed at her and called her a whore and a prostitute. She said she wanted to die that day.

That should be a major red flag for me but I’m not perfect myself. I remember my past infidelities. My past transgressions. Being stuck in relationships that had gotten stale like bread in an abandoned supermarket. Instead of ending those relationships, I looked for other options and indulged myself in other women when I knew it’s wasn’t the right thing to do.

Now I’m in this new situation and I’m nervous.

What is the status of our relationship? Are we going long term or are we just tortured souls soothing each other’s pain for the short term? Am I leading this girl on or is she also just looking for a temporary relief from the harsh reality of life?

She hugs me tighter as we lay in bed.

I feel she’s getting more comfortable and open with me. When we eat lunch at cafés, she’s more open in our conversations. More open in expressing herself. But it wasn’t like this in the beginning. She felt like closed up like a clam and now she’s smiling brightly and more expressive. She said I bring out the best in her.

But we know this is wrong but we feel like it’s right.

I’m overthinking things again.

I can feel her breathing is much heavier now. She’s fast asleep. I’m relaxed. Calm. Comfortable. Drifting further away from my comfort zone.

I’ll be flying out tomorrow. We’ll kiss goodbye and I’ll get back on the plane to my other life. We won’t stop communicating. We’ll try to meet up as soon as possible to continue this forbidden situation.

But in the meantime, I’ll be at my home. Back to my old self. Back to my wife and our deteriorating marriage. But to the stale relationship, not feeling the strength to end it all.

I feel like a coward. But I don’t care anymore.

It’s one of the reasons I don’t sleep well these days. But at this moment, everything seems calm. I know I can sleep well with someone else in my bed.

Excerpt from my collections of short stories.