4 Times Woody Killed And Specifically Mentioned He’d Kill Again
Your child cannot get enough of the Woodster. Unfortunately, the Pixar cowboy toy also cannot get enough carnage.
The following is a list of just 4 of the many times Woody has murdered, and callously said he’d kill again.
- Kurt Sheck, Bail Bondsman — Reno, NV, 1982
Back in ‘Nam, Kurt did some time in the National Guard, which is where he picked up a lead on some smuggling opportunities coming out of Juarez. A bail bonds office was set up as a front by some friends of friends, and Kurt would be their muscle. Things were going good for a while — show up, break a few bones, get some scratch, blow it on hookers and dice, repeat — until he crossed the cartel, and that’s when the Woodman entered the picture.
It was pissing rain and Kurt had the high ground. He’d just plowed his grey Yugo into Woody off a muddy frontage road and tucked and rolled out before the whole thing careened into a ditch. He drew his sidearm and propped his flickering flashlight on top of it, doing a sweep of the area down below.
Maybe if he loaded up on D batteries beforehand, Kurt would be alive today. Alas, the Woodster works best in the shadows. In between flickers, the Sheriff of Kill Valley skittered from cover to cover, and before Kurt knew it, the gangly-limbed bastard was upon him.
Police later found Kurt’s Jager-bloated corpse floating face up in the ditch mud, with the words I wILl dO IT aGaIN carved across his belly.
2. Kentucky Kandyyce Cane, Exotic Dancer — Louisville, KY, 1995
Fresh from the box office success of Toy Story, Woody hoovered up a lovin’ spoonful of nose candy and hit the town, spinning his infamous butterfly knife between his fingers, whipping it around, sheathing and unsheathing the blade rapidly.
Sliding in through the black velvet doors of the Hard Times Club, Woody slipped the DJ $200 to play “some real shit” (Pantera) and ordered bottle service for Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray, who also happened to be there. McGrath made polite eye contact with Woody, raising a tumbler of Grey Goose in his direction, then quickly averted his eyes, which is the smartest move he’s ever made to this day — and that includes writing the smash hit “Fly.”
Hitting the main stage was Kentucky Kandyyce Cane, who looked like a million bucks but could not manage to find the rhythm once “Cowboys From Hell” started booming over the sound system. Unfortunately, she was soon to meet another cowboy from hell, as Woody beckoned her to a private room for some one-on-one.
They say you can’t touch the girls, but they didn’t say anything about strangulation.
Woody emerged with blood flecked all over his face. The bouncer backed away slowly and the DJ cut the music. Calmly, Woody spoke:
“I have killed. Toy Story is out in theaters, bring the family. I will kill again. First-ever fully 3D movie, Siskel and Ebert give it two thumbs up.”
The FBI found Mark McGrath crying in one of the bathroom stalls, squatting on the seat. But the trail for the moon-eyed spurs goblin went cold once more.
3. Sir Wentworth Pritherton of Shrewsbury — Eggardon, England, 1795
The eligible Sir Wentworth, dashing, well-schooled and heir to a most impressive fleet of racing horses, was attending a ball thrown by Lady Elswitt of Eggardon. Hearts were aflutter and all eyes were on who Sir Wentworth would select to begin the waltz of Lords and Ladies. Alas, he could only pick one, and so he naturally found himself drawn to the bewitching Lady Foxcroft of Brampton. Unfortunately, another suitor — a late arrival to be sure — desired the fair Lady’s hand, and in a few exchanges of partners, she would soon be his.
Above them, in the orchestra box, bow met string and the waltz began.
It started gaily enough — the exchange of bows and curtsies, each turn elegant, each touch of hand to glove chaste yet exciting — but quickly passions were enflamed when Woody grabbed Lady Foxcroft and dipped her slowly, languidly, in full view of the guests.
Brushing his hand across her cinched waist, Woody breathed hot and low on the nape of her neck, murmuring “There’s a snake in my boot.” More than one Lady fainted upon hearing this, and Sir Wentworth could take no more. He knew full well the code of conduct as a guest to another manor, but drew his rapier nonetheless. “Scoundrel!” He bellowed, pointing his weapon at Woody’s back. “Unhand Miss Foxcroft and leave this establishment at once, or draw your sword!”
Using Wentworth’s moment of grandstanding as a chance to act quickly, Woody dropped Miss Foxcroft to the floor with a thud — an act of ungentlemanly callousness no other fighter would dare conduct, giving him all the edge he required— and ran Wentworth through with astonishing speed.
Before the soon-to-be-departed Mr. Pritherton could get another word in, a trickle of blood established passage from his lips down his chin. A creek of crimson soon turned into a flood, as Woody withdrew his sword and let the once-dashing horseman collapse to the floor.
“Perhaps another defender of Miss Foxcroft’s honor would care to challenge me, where I stand?” Woody remarked to the horrified party, turning slowly with his arms spread wide. There wasn’t a peep from the gentry. Woody smirked. “No matter. In time, I shall kill again. To mine own ends, and where I see fit.”
Under the cloak of night, he departed, before the cavalry could even load their muskets.
4. Woody the Cowboy — Dimension X112, Time Unknown
The green cube glowed softly in Woody’s hands. Just seconds before, it was the only light in the dark, but now a blanket of stars surrounded him from every direction. There was no path his eyes could see, and yet his feet found purchase on some invisible ground as he stepped further into the vast expanse of infinity.
<WOODY. EARTH’S GREATEST KILLER.> The whisper of a disembodied spirit filled the sphere of Woody’s existence, stopping him in his tracks.
“What of it,” he scoffed, but with perhaps a hint of fear in his voice.
<WE HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOU. WAITING.>
“Hope you enjoyed the show. Now show yourselves or send me back to the Caves of Ch’Taro. I have unfinished business with a man named Allan Quinn.”
<THAT IS OF NO CONCERN TO US. NOR SHOULD IT BE TO YOU.>
A vision of Woody strangling Allan Quinn, the intrepid adventurer, was projected in front of Woody from seemingly nowhere. Woody eyed this vision with his usual brand of healthy skepticism.
“A projection of the future. Cute. What other magic tricks do you have?”
<THERE IS NO FUTURE, WOODY. THERE IS NO TIME. THERE IS ONLY MAN, AND WHAT HE IS CAPABLE OF.>
“Not sure I follow, Kreskin. How about you wrap it up?”
<FROM WHAT WE HAVE OBSERVED, THERE IS NO EARTHLY FORCE THAT CAN DEFEAT YOU. BUT HERE, IN OUR OWN DIMENSION, PERHAPS THERE IS A WAY.>
Woody heard a familiar click-clack of bootsteps from behind. He turned to see an exact replica of himself, emerging from the shadows.
“Hey, where’d you dig up this handsome fellow?” Woody cracked. He was met with an immediate backhand from his silent doppelgänger.
As he stood back up, rubbing his jaw, he muttered “That actually hurt. You’re gonna pay for that.” And he lunged.
The two Woodys tumbled and rolled on the invisible walkway, kneeing each other in the crotch, delivering brutal elbow strikes to the head. When one Woody tried to play dirty, the other followed suit. It was, in short, a perfect match.
<MOST INTERESTING.> Mused the faraway voice as Woody bit down on his clone’s fingers, only to get jabbed in the eyes.
Thinking quickly, Woody grasped the green cube and shoved it into the replica’s chest. A glow began to emanate from his enemy’s body until it consumed the clone. Then it exploded, sending chunks of plastic and fabric raining everywhere.
Woody gathered his breath, regaining his composure, as he picked up his hat and cocked it rakishly over his head.
“That’s me. Woody, the impossible fuck-stallion of Murder County. If I can kill myself, I can kill anyone. And I will kill again, even if it takes me my whole life to get out of this cutesy little planetarium you’ve got me in.”
<KK’PLMR. RETURN THE CREATURE AT ONCE. BEFORE HE SEES.>
“Before I see what? Before I see WHAT?”
<HE IS GETTING ANGRY. DO NOT LET HIS INCREDIBLE MIND WANDER. RETURN HIM.>
“Show yourselves, goddammit!”
<RETURN HIM. RETURN HIM — >
Woody woke up on the dank caves of Ch’Taro. The Cube of Tribulation was nowhere to be found, and Allan Quinn had long since fled through the cracks.
Woody grabbed a petrified rock and crushed it in his hand, muttering. Vengeance flickered in his eyes as he stepped out of the cave mouth, the deadliest being on Earth surveying the deadly jungle below.
He swan-dived into the green, disappearing amongst the fronds.