All 31 Cider House Rules

You find yourself trapped inside my unfathomable Cider House. You will be staying for quite some time. Oh, and don’t bother trying to find a way out, or the way out may find you.

While you contemplate your fate, here are the 31 Rules of My Cider House:

  • At 7:00 I’ll kindly ask you to bathe Michael Caine.
  • Press the cider until you hear the screams, then keep pressing.
  • I honestly need you to tell me if the cider is delicious or not. It’s really important that my business continues to deliver the best cider at low low prices.
  • Laugh, live, fall in love.
  • Dance like nobody’s watching, even though I definitely am watching from behind one of these paintings.
  • My DVR is full of The Daily Show, but don’t delete any of them because I’m still trying to give that Trevor Noah guy a chance.
  • Goofy Style is explicitly prohibited in my underground Snowboard Academy.
  • The first person to make a “Cider? Damn near _______ ‘er!” joke gets a one-way trip to the Oops Room.
  • Michael Caine will ask you to continue bathing him past 7:15. This is unnecessary and even profane. Do not grant him his wishes.
  • At times you will bear witness to the change of the seasons, happening outside your bedchamber. The bloom of the daffodil, the ebullient pumpkins of autumn, the petulant winter frost. All will tempt you with thoughts of the outside world. This is normal, and I’m here for you if you ever feel sad.
  • Don’t read the YouTube comments on my Cider House Channel, they’re all jerks and they will say mean things to get in your head.
  • I said one thing about the new Ghostbusters movie one time on Twitter and all of a sudden I got a bunch of alt-right trolls infecting my fucking YouTube channel
  • Cerebus can smell your blood just FYI.
  • The statues guarding the Oops Room will ask you to solve three riddles before you can enter. FIRST OF ALL, why would you ever want to go into the Oops Room, but secondly the third riddle is unanswerable and they’ll kill you. Just don’t do it, full-stop.
  • The Cider must flow.
  • The code to the wifi is a really long string of numbers and letters, I don’t feel like changing it to something cutesy and memorable and I definitely don’t feel like reminding you of what it is every time you ask. Write it down.
  • I’m really easy to shop for when it’s Christmas, and I’m a nightmare when it’s my birthday.
  • If you really must keep a journal during your eternal stay in my Cider House, can you at least say nice things about me and my cider? I’m going to read it from time to time when you’re asleep.
  • Anyone who says “I wish I was at Crimson Peak instead” is going straight to the goddamn Oops Room.
  • Michael Caine can often be heard screaming “BATH,” usually every hour. Pay him no mind, unless it’s about to be 7:00. In which case, Michael is right on the money — you gotta scrub him up.
  • Most things in the Cider House are larger on the inside than they are on the outside, except for the kitchen, which is normal-sized when you enter and exit. Since it’s the least mind-bending room in the house, you’ll feel compelled to sleep in there. I’ll beat the shit out of you if you try it.
  • Cider in the morning, cider in the evening, cider at supper-time.
  • There are 5 Tobey Maguires in each level, each with a different neon color. If you collect all 5, you get a puzzle piece which helps you progress further up the house to the Boss Fight with me.
  • The last time someone tried fermenting the cider until they could use it as an explosive to escape, they burned to a crisp and the house remained perfectly intact, belching their ashes out of the chimney. It was pretty dope to watch, but I don’t recommend it as an attempt.
  • The top bunk can only be accessed by piercing a hook-chain into your back and hoisting yourself up, in agonizing pain.
  • Whoever calls top bunk first gets dibs, if you both call dibs at the same time then you do Rock Paper Scissors, best 2 out of 3.
  • If you’re having problems finding every Tobey in the level, just listen. He’s always chirping out “Tobey!” and it gets louder the closer you get to him.
  • It’s true: Charlize Theron is actually four triangular Charlies, stacked up in a tetrahedron formation. Do not engage with Charlize in any way.
  • If you must engage with Charlize (perhaps she asks you for some company), please treat her right. Remember that she is four Charlies.
  • If you have questions about the cider, ASK! We are all here to make this cider as delicious as possible, and the only way we can do that is through communication.
  • Have fun in there!
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