Dark Zuckerberg Debuts New Version of Hatebook

Dastardly Dark Zuckerberg, the Sniveling Scoundrel of San Mateo, rolled out the newest version of Hatebook at a press conference, held in the company’s Menlo Park headquarters on Sunday.

The Silicon Scoundrel, pictured conjuring up some new fiendish scheme

Clad in black cape and stovepipe hat, Zuckerberg emerged to a chorus of hearty boos as the spotlight found him filching Madame Broussad’s pearl necklace in the upper balcony. Snickering with delight, the Monitor City Madman leapt for the curtain rope and swung across the stage, drawing up the curtains as he flew past — and in the process of his daring escape, he unveiled the brand new Hatebook features for 2016.

The crowd went wild for Shamepost, a built-in application that searches your feed for the most embarrassing statuses you’ve ever written from years ago, and reposts them without your consent. New ways to react to posts other than the simple “Thumbs Down” symbol were welcomed with applause as well. Now, you can respond to your frenemies’ posts with emojis such as: anger, scorn, fury, scheming, shhh Zuckerberg is afoot, mustache twirl, casual racism, and snickering.

But the star of the show was Zuckerberg himself, as he re-emerged after having stolen a prize tiger from the traveling circus. Showered once more with boos, Zuckerberg proceeded to chortle to the audience that no one could stop him, not even the heroic Captain Stoutjaw. This, of course, was the beloved Stoutjaw’s annual cue to enter stage left and halt Dark Zuckerberg’s malicious schemes, but Zuckerberg let the tiger go and it chased the good Captain right off stage.

Free to continue with his rascality, Zuckerberg brought on his COO Cheryl Sandberg and tied her to the railroad tracks. While doing so, he used the opportunity to discuss how they were improving Tracks, the newsfeed which updates with new statuses from your friends and advertisers. A lot of back-end fixes were in the works, but the major news was that Tracks would finally have Real Trains coming down them. This was a rumor long-whispered by the villagers in Silicon Valley, long after the children had gone to bed and the last candle blown out for the night, but now it was confirmed.

The crowd erupted in cheers as a real train plowed through the back wall of the stage, crushing Cheryl and 120 more people in its direct path. This earned Zuckerberg a standing ovation from the 7 survivors, which he relished in by tenting his fingers together, undulating his gloved digits against each other as he smirked, surely crafting his next feat of turpitude in his head.

There were a few hiccups along the way: During the presentation, Zuckerberg threw out a lit bundle of dynamite, but though the fuse burnt all the way to the end, it never exploded — leaving Zuckerberg onstage, plugging his ears and closing his eyes for an embarrassing 12 seconds of awkward silence. Perhaps even worse, he did not address the recent controversy regarding the bias of headline reporters for Hatebook News; inside reports of the staff only being allowed to post stories about how dashingly devious Dark Zuckerberg is went, sadly, unremarked-upon.

Finishing things off in typically rousing fashion, Zuckerberg brought out his ventriloquist dummy — a wooden caricature of Captain Stoutjaw, which Zuckerberg puppeteered with the utmost disdain. Besmirching the honorable name of the Captain, Zuckerberg asked the dummy simple questions and made him give very stupid answers. As if the Captain himself were so dull and foolish! This was the last straw for the audience, but before the authorities could stop him, Dark Zuckerberg pulled out a large, circular black piece of fabric, threw it against a brick wall (where it stuck like glue), and jumped through the newly-formed portal to safety.

Say what you want about Hatebook, but its creator sure knows how to keep the Valley on their toes! We can’t wait to see if Captain Stoutjaw escapes the clutches of that brutish tiger, or whether the phone app will finally stop being so buggy! Hold fast to the light, wee ones, and fear the shadows, for there lurks Dark Zuckerberg!