I Wrote a Book

(Buy “Exquisite Boy” at the Kindle Store here. If you like it, please consider giving it a good review. If you hate it, keep that hate with you in your heart always. Let it smother your lungs.)

Hello all,

Over the past year and change I’ve been writing here in Medium, and I’ve been pretty damn lucky to find a receptive audience. I write absolutely nothing of importance — it’s all off-brand Clickhole nonsense, filtered through an absurd voice that most closely resembles an 18th-century high society oil baron with 20 restraining orders on him.

But a lot of you seem to like it, and when I first considered compiling some of my better articles together, I noticed the best ones spoke from an autobiographical perspective. Granted, it’s an autobiography from Hell, wherein demonic monsters stalk the rows of a Blockbuster Video and children enter their powerful fathers into the Cannes Film Festival. Either way, I had inadvertently stumbled upon the makings of a bizarro-world memoir, and set about fleshing it out with seven brand new chapters of whimsy and frivolity.

It’s currently available for download at the Kindle Store, for £2.99. In the interests of full disclosure, I want to reiterate that a majority of this can be read, online at my Medium page, for free. But here is a full list of the chapters, with the book-exclusive entries in bold:

  1. Yes It’s True. I Was The Baby on the Cover of Paul Reiser’s “Babyhood.”
  2. 7 Times the DreamWorks Logo Boy Said My Name Before the Movie Began
  3. I Used to Dunk on My Schoolmates. Then I Got Dunked on. Now I’ll Never Dunk Again.
  4. How Netflix Beat Up My Grandfather Inside a Block-Buster Once
  5. My Dad Got Booed at Cannes
  6. My Ham Scool Gramdubation Sperch
  7. Bright Lights, Big City, Ten Skulls, Let’s Fuck
  8. In Retrospect, “It’s the Police, Open Up” Was Not the Best Secret Password to Our Sex Dungeon
  9. Robert Zemeckis Mo-Capped My Dong
  10. I Pitched My Body on Shark Tank and Now Mark Cuban Owns My Legs
  11. I Proposed to My Wife at Her Ex-Lover’s Funeral. Cool Move? Y/N?
  12. If You Kids Don’t Shut Up, I’m Spinning 180˚, Putting the Car in Reverse, and Still Driving to Disneyland But Backwards
  13. Boo-yah: Child Protective Services Condensed My Triplets Into One Convenient Boy
  14. Go Tell Your Gimgam and Pimpaw We’re Not Coming Over Anymore Until They Change Their Names
  15. Uh-Oh: I Accidentally Said “Cowboy Bake Me Away,” and Now I Shall Be a Farmhand’s Treat
  16. The Men Who Kidnapped My Son Just Posted Their Setlist From Last Night’s Show
  17. Blimp Tempt
  18. Boy Void
  19. Bonus Chapter: Things to Do on Red Panda Day

As well, I’m in the process of finishing up an audiobook of the whole shebang. You can listen to previews of Chapter 1 and 5 here:

It’s coming soon, so hold tight for news about that.

Thanks for supporting me in this grand journey to the top of Bullshit Mountain. Here’s to the long slide downward.


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