It’s Possible Trump Has Just Asked Twitter To Choose Which of His Children Dies

Trump is usually best when he’s commandeering his phone, speaking directly to the people — his blunt, no-BS communication style really clicked with his fanbase, and is often credited with his meteoric rise to the presidency. His detractors, of course, think his lack of filter online has the ability to destabilize markets and launch us into wars.

Both sides may be dismayed, however, by his recent tweet. It’s easily his most enigmatic yet — and perhaps his most dangerous.

Immediately, the first question that comes to mind is: What is Donald talking about doing here? What does it mean to “Poopsie” somebody, and what’s with this coy, cutesy tone he’s employing? He’s usually much more forceful about what he’s trying to say. Here, it seems like he almost doesn’t want you to know what will happen when voting closes. But Washington insiders have a fairly good idea.

“He’s absolutely sending one of his children to die,” says an anonymous member very close to Trump’s inner circle. “Every time he’s signed an executive order that will mean death for some people, he’s been saying ‘oopsie-diddly-dee’ and ‘oh poopsie scoops, did I dooo dat,’ putting a finger to his mouth like he’s a bad widdle boy. It’s frankly weird to see a 70-year-old man do that, but I can assure you that he means every word of this tweet and we should all be very concerned for his children’s safety.”

Other insiders with high-level access to the Oval Office swear up and down this has “nothing to do with Bannon…Pence, Conway, no one signed off on this. When he starts talking like a less erotic Betty Boop, that’s 100% Donald. We’re all scrambling to find him, but the windows to his bedroom are open and the curtains are softly blowing in the wind. And on his desk, he’s circled family photos of his children in red lipstick.”

Kellyanne Conway was once more shuttled in to try and explain Trump’s behavior to an anxious public on TV.

“Frankly, the way the media has jumped down the President’s throat about this good-natured poll is just shameful,” she said, over the sound of her phone ringing constantly. “President Trump simply wants to take one of his children out for ice cream…or a ‘scoopsie,’ as he has been known to call it…and when they’re done eating the ice cream, it naturally follows that they will do a ‘poopsie.’

“They cannot all have ice cream, so like the natural leader he is, he has put it to the American people to see which child will enjoy a frosty bowl of iced creams.”

Minutes after the interview, Trump tweeted from an undisclosed location, seeming to defy Kelly’s spin.

Meanwhile, the two front-runners in the possible death poll are starting to get quite nervous about what might happen when time runs out:

Ivanka, thus far, has not tweeted anything, probably because she’s in the clear. If the polls shift rapidly, or if authorities manage to decipher Trump’s clues as to his whereabouts, we’ll keep you informed.

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