Things White People Must Do When “Baby Got Back” Plays Instead of Dance To It Or Quote It

Recently Blake Lively should have been shot on sight.

She’s white, and in the text of her Instagram she’s clearly referring to the song “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-A-Lot.

Why should Blake Lively be taken out back and obliterated into a cloud of skin dust? Google is there for a reason, bro. Type in “Why Blake Lively Skin Dust Now Please” and educate yourself instead of constantly asking wokefolk for help.


In the meantime, for the rest of us, here’s a comprehensive list of the different things white people can do when “Baby Got Back” is being played instead of dance to it, sing along to it, or quote it in their social media:

  • Lie face down on the ground and scream for the duration of the song
  • Curl up into a ball, dive into the nearest open container of fluid (Tumblr says it has to be lime-flavored Zima; you may catch heat from them if you dive into something like Mike’s Hard Lemonade or a jug of bear sweat, but honestly I think any liquid is fine)
  • Run for the nearest toy store that sells comically-oversized Pez dispensers in their display case; disguise self as a Ninja Turtle Pez dispenser until angry mob disappears around the corner
  • After they leave, your home is now off-limits so it’s time to wander — consider the sky as a new home, or beneath the Earth might be better
  • Get “Kansas face with a privileged booty” tattooed on your face and, indeed, the booty (some elect to tattoo their booty with the words “See above tattoo” if they’re strapped for cash and the artist is paid by the letter; this is an unacceptable shortcut)
  • Realize instantly you are a problem, and one way to become a solution is to fight crime
  • Become Donatello, the infamous green-teen pizza scum of the underworld
What do you MEAN, you are out of the crusted cheese triangles I desire
  • You are now Donatello. Enemies gaze in wonder at your shell, and they fear your Ribbed Justice Stick
  • Purchase a Go-Pro, attach to shell
  • Refuse to let Leonardo and the Boys question your Go-Pro purchase
  • Your confusing muscles astound women and children alike; you sway to the rhythm of the night and catch tremendous bandits with your innumerable turtle gadgets
  • I think it’s time we pay Casey Jones a little visit
  • “Oh Caseeeeeey”
  • Beat the hell out of Casey Jones
  • Wait, what are we doing? Violence is not the answer
  • This is not why we became a 7-foot tall gorgeously muscled turtle boy, we did it to stop the Foot Clan and protect the American Overworld
  • A tear dribbles down your scaly face, reaching your thin lips that are 8 inches wide and terrifying
  • You think about the days before you checked your privilege and were not a tantalizing thunderclap of a specimen
  • It was simpler then
  • Bury Casey Jones
  • Resell your Go-Pro and get a bad price for it
  • Leave your hideous sewage home in the daytime when Leo and the boys are sound asleep, dreaming up new crimestopping schemes
  • Write a good-bye note that simply says “I will always be Donatello, if you find a new spindly boy to transform then I will hunt you all down and kill you, love Donatello”
  • Roam the streets, perfecting your mean lean green teen physique
  • Hear “Baby Got Back” playing out of a nearby car as it drives past
  • Drown yourself in a puddle right then and there
  • It is done. You are the Lord of the Drowned Shell and children will cross the street when they are near
  • 20 years from now, a statue will be erected in your place that says “Woke Bae, Strong Turtle, Drowned Legend”
  • Raphael will let his children play on the statue while he holds hands with his elderly lover Bebop
  • It is beautiful I’m crying