Transsexuals Should Be Allowed in Bathrooms; Dogs Should Not Be Allowed in Submarines

How much longer is it going to take the rest of America to get woke?

It is a complete travesty that we have spent this much time, this much taxpayer money, debating whether transgender people should be afforded their basic human rights. Those opposed to doing so have a curiously difficult time finding examples of children being preyed upon — it’s almost as if it’s not a problem. Certainly not as much as grown men harassing women outside of public restrooms, in a misguided-at-best attempt to preserve their idea of the status quo.

Also, you can’t let a dog just waltz into an active submarine. I can’t believe I have to say that.


This is where we’re disadvantaged as a country — we let the media drive the narrative when it comes to politics, but their interest doesn’t lie in making the world a better, more inclusive place for everyone. Their interest lies in ratings, and what better way to achieve that than by seizing on controversial social issues and positioning each side as equally matched opponents? If someone comes on the air, explaining in very clear, rational terms why a dog would be extremely dangerous around those sensitive submarine instruments, the network actually feels obliged to let the opposition speak. And, predictably, he or she will make the loathsome case that dogs are cute; dogs deserve to go wherever we go, no matter how dangerous; dogs dogs dogs.

Some people just don’t deserve equal time to speak. This is how you wind up depriving countless transgender people of their dignity, and filling submarine cockpits with hypoallergenic fur and slobber.

Let’s dive into this dog thing a little bit more: What is the obsession they have with letting them into a submarine? They can’t man the controls or help us collect valuable data about marine life. What does it achieve, except making them feel satisfied that they got their way? Who is it hurting to keep a dog out of a very dangerous underwater capsule?

Lawmakers seem to have no problem passing these ridiculous, hateful policies. Pat McCrory got a bill through in North Carolina preventing transgender access to bathrooms that correlate to their gender identity, and Texas is up next. Meanwhile, in all 50 states, every single senator has signed the Defense of Pooches To Go Bubble-Divin’ Act, a noxious bill that actually allows dogs to just hot-foot it onto a sub, no matter the time or place.

And if you thought California was a liberal haven, think again: Their version of the law allows for dogs to ride ON TOP of a submarine as well.

Alabama’s version of the law allows for dogs to be given five treats if they can successfully look into the periscope — treats that “are good for their teeth and gums” (I yearn for the day when we no longer have to listen to these poor, pampered animals dogsplain about their teeth and gums). Oregon made it so that every human passenger in a submarine has to wear a collar when a dog is present.

And tragically, Louisiana’s version of the law lets dogs tell the captain how deep to dive, with each bark symbolizing a demand to dive another 30 fathoms. This resulted in the Gulf of Mexico disaster last April, when a particularly agitated Welsh Corgi named Boromir barked the USS James Monroe into the ocean floor, killing everyone on board.

When are we going to learn?

Inclusion is important for our culture and our species. When we deny our fellow man or woman their ability to use the restroom, we deny ourselves a bit of our humanity. Similarly, get your stupid. Fat. Dog. Away. From that. Majestic. Submarine.

[drops mic]

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