Warning: Searching For “Mysterious Crunch Boy” Alerts Obama So He Can Watch You Search Too

It is no secret by now that the NSA has unprecedented access to your search history, your records and other sensitive data. To some, this is a disgusting breach of privacy; to others, it’s a necessary evil to fight terrorism.

But for President Barack Obama, it’s simply a tool to unlock the tantalizing secrets of the Mysterious Crunch Boy. And when you search for the boy, he gets a special alert on all his devices so he can view your screen while you look.

Everyone has to leave the Oval Office when Obama screen-peeks

Every stroke of your keyboard, every click of your mouse is being watched so long as you enter those three specific words in your search bar. And make no mistake: Obama’s eyes are absolutely seeing what you’re seeing when you go on a Bing binge for the beautiful biting boy with the astonishing crunch.

This, to me, is an outrage. Of course the Mysterious Crunch Boy is a powerful enigma, and we would all like to discover the ancient clues that point to his origins, whether he is a peaceful boy or a boy who crunches with the darkness, and if we can perhaps harness his abilities to fight ISIS. It is not unreasonable that Obama would want to gather as much data as humanly possible on this Moonlight Chompchild.

But to spy on us while we utilize Snopes, Google Images, Reuters, Webcrawler, Infospace, MIT Libraries and more without our knowledge or permission is beyond the pale — more pale than the porcelain skin of the great Crunchy Youngling himself!

Obama, I know you are reading every word I’m currently writing. So we the people implore you: Perform your duties as President and give us back our right to security and privacy! We demand to hunt for the fabulous chewing imp ourselves, on our own terms and in peace! This cannot be the way of things in the years and decades to come. Must we all yield our exhilarating search results to our elected officials, every time we deign to catch a glimpse of the sensational nibbling boy? Are we merely puppets in your quest for knowledge of the unknowable? You foolhardy country dad. You will never gain the Secret of the Crunch from the innocent forest children. Those tips and tricks are only for the good-hearted common man to uncover. The Mysterious Crunch Boy will see to that.

Peruse the words of the Timeless Boy on your own time, Obama!

I’m going to miss this president