We Are the Boner Police, and We Regret to Inform You That, Well, Beeowoop

Beeeeeeoooop. Beeeeeeoooooop. Boop-woop.

Click. Attention. Pull over your vehicle.

Fully onto the rocks, sir. Thank you. Turn off your car and remain in your vehicle until I come over. Click.

Ca-chunk. Reeeeeee. CHUNK.

crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch, CRUNCH.

Thunk-thunk.

Lower your window, sir.

Skzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

All the way, sir.

Zzzzzzzzknk.

……

Do you know why we pulled you over today, sir?

Yes, I can see that you do know. Please hand me your license and registration. Slowly. Do not touch it while you reach over.

Thank you.

I’ll be a moment. Keep your hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel, sir. I repeat, do not. Touch. It. Wait here.

CRUNCH crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch.

Click.

yeah hey Jean we got a 1201, down here near the overpass, need you to run a number for me

license number is D973041C

mhm

yeah it’s a live one, damn thing near busted out of the pants to greet me itself

hey you asked, i just told you what i saw

how’s that number lookin

huh

well all right then, see you back at the ranch Jean

click

crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch CRUNCH.

Ok sir here’s the situation.

Seems this is your first incident on an open road, no priors, and I’ll be frank, you caught me in a helluva good mood today. So I’m gonna let you off with a warning, sir. Here’s your license and registration.

What you’re doing is illegal in many states and frowned upon in damn near all of them. If you have an issue with your body while operating the vehicle, the DMV guidebook indicates you pull over at a rest stop, cover your face with a satchel and go to town until the problem is abated.

I strongly suggest you re-familiarize yourself with that section, sir

Now there’s a turnoff right here to one such rest stop, see that? When I let you go I better see you head on over there.

No, it looks very much to me like you still have a control issue in your seat area, sir, I’ll ask you not to question my authority on this matter.

It’s not at half-mast sir, that is a category five full-mast and it needs to be dealt with immediately

I do not need to see it

Sir

Sir

Stop at once

Sir

Do not show it to me. I see the outline extremely clear, my judgment is sound and any report I issue will reflect that judgment.

Return your zipper to the uppermost position and hands at 10 and 2, sir

So it’s agreed, once you start your car back up, you head to this turnoff 20 feet ahead, right here.

I’ll be in the car behind you. Take care.

CRUNCH crunch crunch crunch crunch crunch

Ca-chunk. Reeeeeee. CHUNK.

Click. All right sir, start up your car and take this turnoff.

Sir.

Sir, reduce your speed —

SIR, TAKE THE TURNOFF

SIR

click

GODDAMMIT

BEEEEOOOWOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEOOOOOOWEEEEEEE

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