a prayer for my former selves + the men who loved them

something i wrote in 2012

may your autonomy come first, may you forgive those who have misled you, may you cherish those who tell you the truth about yourself, may you never know the lonely bed of wasted time, may your personality never attempt suicide by lowering its standards, may you never succumb to the death wish of vapid companionship, may you find your future self in every lover, may you stay ready to leave, may your improvement and self-mastery come before all else, may you never obligate yourself to another’s validation, may you never worship your partner, may your love and your religion never betray each other, may you take pride in your company, may you remain willing to put your pride aside for your company, may your connections be a result of your pre-existing fulfillment and not a source, may your company and solitude enrich each other, may each lover introduce you to new methods of creation, may you recognize when you are being groomed for abuse, may you remember to provide everything you seek, may you never be seduced by politicians who seek your validation before considering your emotional welfare, may you never breach respectful distances before allowing another to make an informed decision, may your experiences improve your language and vice versa, may you never take it personally when another person’s requirements do not involve you, may you never apologize for your distances, may you seek gratification in the rarity of a person and not in the title they assign us, may you transcend the need for reciprocity, may you forge invincibility by effectively communicating your pain, may you nurture yourself through nurturing others who know what they have when they have you, may you commit yourself to the magic of union by granting your lover’s wishes, may you remain free from shame by embracing the truth in all experiences, may your freedom set your lovers free, may your love for each person make them special and unique, may your lovers never retrospectively resemble each other in their patterns of disappointment, may you submit yourself to the paradoxical spontaneity of contradictory feelings, may you find liberation in complete submission, may you always choose wisely and find a teacher and friend in every lover, may you never overdraft your emotional account to fall for poetic advertisements for ego-stroking, may you go all out for the sake of romance and let the chip fall where they may, may you never expire for unrequited love, may nothing ever be too good to be true, may your truth be best possible thing, may you never compromise your vulnerabilities to protect another’s guilt, may you never insult your own intelligence with meaningless and convenient sex, may you embrace your urges as a divine jolt of the senses, may you never be demonized for your arousal, may you never apply masks lest you attract more masks, may your connections be evidence of your revolutionary drive for self-autonomy, may your heart be the compass, may you find comfort and thrill in both home and vacation, may you never know a place where love is not, may you never know a place where love is not, may you never know a place where love is not…