dive…

I am and have been quite befuddled for some time now. I often catch myself swaying in thoughts that bear little significance to the world outside and are still somehow entangled to it. These thoughts keep me sane and drive me mad. I have a fair idea of the origin of these thoughts and they have been anything but clear.

It is not one thought, but trains of thoughts juxtaposed at the same station refusing to move as if lacking a sense of direction. If I may, it feels like a traffic jam inside my head. It gets overwhelming most of the time but I’ve cultivated the habit of masking the byproducts that follow. I wonder how I got here. I was not the type to get intimidated by thoughts that may appear trivial to another. However, the result is the waves of anxiety that course through my bloodstream which sometimes flutter my heart a little too much.

To distract me from constant thinking I resort to remedies of sorts. Remedies seem to have an ephemeral effect on my condition lest I plunge myself into the same affair of overthinking. I am a roll, literally on a roll. It feels like I am at sea, afloat, doing nothing. I want to get out or maybe I don’t. I just keep looking at a distance not paying attention to anything specific. I realize time passing, a distant murmur of things happening while I am here as though in oblivion, just looking.

Sometimes I feel helpless and sometimes hopeless. I keep wishing for change and pray that things will take a good turn but nothing happens. I am still in stagnancy and I can’t seem to fulfill the tasks I am allotted. It seems I am losing pace and I tend to get upset over inane matters. It scares me but I cannot stop. I am still not being able to move ahead; stuck in a loop yet still worrying.

The civil war inside fails to reflect on my face which often leads to misunderstandings among my people. They perceive my withdrawal for timidity and can’t quite comprehend what I feel, which is alright. I do not expect others to fully understand the turmoil inside of me. Words are nearly not enough to explain this sense of not being present. It is difficult to express and even more so to share for the fear of judgment.

But these are barely excuses as to why I am being drifted by my thoughts. I reckon I have accepted that it is what it is but deep down I know this is not it. I have misplaced my emotions and misinterpreted the state of things when I know it is all in my head. I know I can get out of this but find it hard to…

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store