Grasshopper in a Jar
Metaphor Of The Grasshopper In A jar:
“Put a grasshopper in a jar and close the lid. Grasshoppers are supposed to hop. That’s what they do. But in the jar with the lid closed, the grasshopper will hop, hit its head, and repeat. After awhile the grasshopper will stop hopping, even when the lid is removed.”
I am that grasshopper!
I am the strongest, boldest, person I’ve ever been. I’ve accomplished multiple layers of personal impossibility. I do things now without even thinking about it that I would have never done a few years ago. However, like the grasshopper I’m free to hop, but I don’t. I’ve hit my head so many times over the years that even though I feel free, know that I’m free, and the ability to easily hop; that I find it very hard to just hop out of the jar.
Hitting my head on the lid
I am transgender woman. I knew this since I was about 5 years old, but it was also about this time that I learned that I had to hide it. This was back in the 80’s during the AIDS scare, and I had world and religion telling me I was defective and I would go to hell. My shame increased every time I had to express who I am even in secret. There were countless times each day that I corrected my behavior to be a man.
All most 3 years ago I made an anonymous YouTube comment say who I am. I quickly fell into a deep depression. A few months later, after feeling I was better off dead, I came very close to attempting suicide. About 5 feet. The thought, “It is better to be defective and alive, than dead. If I’m alive at least there is a chance for things to get better” saved my life. Deep depression, high anxiety, and a fear of returning to that 5 feet was the over all theme of 2014.
The more I learned to be me, the happier I became and the more people seemed to like me. I didn’t change on the outside. I still wear the same clothes, work at the same place, use the same name, etc. But on the inside. When I say happier, I don’t mean being a woman makes me happy. I mean it allows me to be happy. Expressing who I am is like coming home from a very long, stressful, day and just relaxing, but times like a thousand, or a million.
The lid is removed
Last month, I came out to everyone on Facebook. There might be pockets of people that don’t really know, but I am out. I don’t have that secret acting as a lid. So…why am I not hopping out of the jar? I still fears about being a woman, but small fears, especially compared to the fears I’ve already overcome. I don’t really know what to wear. I was never a little girl, or a teenage girl, to show me that life. How do I figure out how not to look like a clown? How do I go from here to there? Man to woman? It is not like there is teacher on how to be a woman, or is there…hhhmmm?