A few weeks ago, I was at Gourmet’s Market, lathering a breakfast burrito with some delicious green salsa, when a friend said to me, “You know, we’re only borrowing these bodies for a little while.” Sounds a bit corny when I type it out, but it struck me raw in the moment because I’m a strategic control freak.
The check engine light has been beaming on the dashboard of my Jeep for about a year now. I grind my teeth at night. There are 5 to 10 frogs that live somewhere in our backyard and each night they croak their anthem before I go to bed. They’re pretty dang loud, too. I need a BB gun. Or some night-vision goggles and a shovel could probably do the trick.
I’m worried that I won’t live up to my potential. Worried I might die before I do that one thing that gives me the ultimate stamp of approval from my friends.
It’s been 8 months and 15 days since The Dirty Guvs took our last stage bow and I’m feeling a bit sentimental. I haven’t written a song in a while so I needed to write a blog. I think it needs louder guitars.
Do I miss the band?
Yes. A lot.
What do I miss the most?
Easy answer: it’s the connection we made with each of you through our big long crazy dreams. Waking up each morning and trying to write a new song. Riding around on The Mule and spending late nights in venues with you guys all over America. The never-ending jokes, pranks, and camaraderie with The Guvs.
I miss living life on the edge.
And I’m afraid of it all becoming one long predictable routine. As David Brooks said, “Of living a life built on resume virtues instead of eulogy virtues.”
That being said, I don’t really miss spending 100+ nights a year checking into a Best Western at 2:00 a.m. and sharing a double bed with another dude. Or maybe I do…
Yesterday, my wife said, “You know it’s such a relief to take a long vacation and realize the world will go on JUST FINE without you.” To realize your job / life / house isn’t going to fall apart. To realize your coworkers and clients actually desire to give you the grace to relax… because at some point, they’ll be asking for that same grace from you when they need to take a break themselves.
Aside from the terrible, wailing nocturnal frogs, things are really good in my world. My wife and I are happy. We’re thinking about having kids and I’ve settled down with a really amazing 9-to-6 job in Knoxville. I spend my weekends working on projects with Melissa at our 76-year-old home in Fountain City, hiking in the Great Smoky Mountains, going to concerts, eating good food, and hanging with friends and family.
So yes, I’m sad that the band is over. But the pain of losing a dream, like the pain of losing a friend or a family member — it’s just a passing thing. The eternal play will continue long after each of us leaves this world.
I think the key to it all is learning to be content with whatever the circumstances… and staying curious as to what might be next.
So, what’s next?
I think I’ll start writing again. For now, just blogs here and there. But I’m praying for songs too. I need more creativity in my life. I wanna be filled up to the brim. To overflow with the uniqueness and purpose that was originally planned for me before I went out and got obsessed with comparison.
Much Love and Aloha from the Garden Isle of Kauai-