An opiate addiction wasn’t a cheap habit to have — at the height of my usage, it amounted to roughly $350 per day just to stop myself from having withdrawals.
Let’s do the math:
$350 * 7 = $2450 per week (addicts do not take weekends off)
$2450 * 4 = $9800 per month
If I owned multiple Venture Capital firms with stakes in Uber, Facebook and Airbnb this wouldn’t be much of an issue. The problem was that I was jobless with zero passive income, my mum was living in a different state at the time and had zero idea I was a drug addict.
Why drugs?
I moved to Melbourne from Taiwan when I was 10 years old. I was raised in a loving family, went to a decent school and had good role models growing up.
I was a typical nerd, got straight A’s in math and taught myself how to code on an Intel 386 computer when I was 12.
But a few years after moving here, my parent’s marriage broke apart. My dad went back overseas and my mum had to support us single handedly. She worked day and night so my sister and I hardly saw her, we had no discipline nor general life guidance during our most crucial teenage years.
It was also largely due to the circle of friends I was acquainted with in the later stages of high school. Alcohol and cigarettes were a norm, so was a cheeky joint here and there. But when I heard about a new “white powdery” drug a few people in the group were smoking during the last years of high school, I was actually a bit worried.
I was strongly against heroin at first when it started making the rounds within the group as I was aware of the notoriety of the drug and knew that it couldn’t be a good thing.
But after you see it day in and day out, you slowly become desensitised. One shitty day after being dumped by my high-school girlfriend, the zero-f*cks-given-self said let’s just try it once.. what could possibly be worse than being dropped by your first teenage crush right?
It’s never just once
The feeling of instant euphoria is what makes opiates so addictive. All your worries are out the window, no more wondering if mum is doing ok, no more VCE exam stress, no more self-pity and singing along to babyface songs in the shower (I didn’t actually do that…. ok, maybe once).
You are carefree, floating on a cloud and nobody is ever gonna take that feeling away from you - until it’s out of your system.
At first, before the real addiction kicked in, the world just felt dull and numb when the effects wore off. I kept reminiscing about the warm fuzzy sensation, and it’s only one call and $50 away.
This shit isn’t that addictive, I’ll just have it one more time and I’ll stop.
Famous last words — It was just one more time, one after another.
What I didn’t realise is that my body would gradually become dependant on the artificial endorphins and slowly decreased production of its own. Endorphins are produced naturally to counter emotions such as stress, fear and even pain. It is also released when you’ve had something pleasurable such as food, sex or companionship. So without knowing, I was slowly depriving myself of the joy and happiness of everyday life.
There were also physical symptoms that came with the withdrawal.
From Wikipedia:
Symptoms may include: sweating, malaise, anxiety, depression, akathisia, priapism, extra sensitivity of the genitals in females, general feeling of heaviness, excessive yawning or sneezing, tears, rhinorrhea, sleep difficulties (insomnia), cold sweats, chills, severe muscle and bone aches, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, cramps, watery eyes, fever and cramp-like pains and involuntary spasms in the limbs
I pretty much woke up one day feeling like I was:
- Hit by a train
- Coming down with the most intense flu of my life
- Depressed as f*ck
Yes. All of the above.
I needed another hit just to feel normal, feel happiness, feel like I was a functional human being and not stuck in a deep dark place where I would never crawl my way out.
I didn’t find pleasure in the simple things in life anymore. Reading a book, watching a good movie or catching up with friends all seemed mundane.
When you are depressed and sick, you are also mentally weak.
I knew what I had become, but I was terrified of being brought back into that state of physical and mental torture.
The survival instincts kicked in. Day and night became a blur, the only thing on my mind was when and how I would score my next dose, so I could be normal.
I was in fact far from normal. I hardly ate, what little money I could gather went into my bloodstream for a quick rush and then I’d doze off for a while. The next few hours I could actually function and get things done like eat, shower and scavenge for more cash, ever dreading those withdrawal effects from inching back.
Life as a drug addict
Without a job and after quickly exhausting your family members of their patience and money to borrow, they slowly stop answering your calls. So I did the only thing I could think of in that state of mind, I started selling.
Not to mention that it was illegal, I was now helping spread the toxic substance that was destroying my life on the streets. But I didn’t give a shit. I didn’t have a conscience, I was soulless - just an empty shell that needed my daily injection of chemicals.
Quite a few things happened during my time as an addict. I’m aware of how gloom this story is already, so I won’t go into too much detail. But some of the events that resonate with me are:
- Shared a house with two high school friends (whom were also using)
- Getting woken up by my ex (we remained friends) on the day of my VCE math exam, and dragging me to go sit the exam. (I passed year 12, barely)
- Dealing drugs on the infamous Russell Street in Melbourne. Made $2k worth of $10-$50 notes in my pocket within 40 minutes on a good day.
- Wasting that money on another batch of drugs to burn through and have nothing to show for.
- Carried “gear” in little water balloons in my mouth so I could quickly swallow them if the police came. Learnt to regurgitate on command (not the best party trick to pull out at social gatherings).
- Had “under-cover” police push me up against the wall and body searched me. Took my wallet and ran. Wasn’t a cop.
- Mum finally finding out about my drug habit and asking me to move up to Darwin to quit.
- Waking up in the bathroom after “one last” session and realising I missed my flight to Darwin. Mum paid for another flight.
- Getting sunburnt whilst in rehab from laying outside in 35°C Darwin heat because it made the cold sweats that much easier to tolerate.
- Drove around town second day out of rehab, looking for more drugs and finding out opiates were impossible to find in Darwin.
- Scoring prescribed morphine tablets in Darwin city central off an older gentlemen (the only form of opiates were from older dealers asking doctors for morphine and blaming it on their sore back).
- Moving back to Melbourne after 2 years and hanging around the same group of friends, back to the same habits.
- Decided to try “quitting” one more time and got a tiny naltrexone implant in my stomach under local anaesthetic whilst my friend watched, and laughed as his face slowly turned white (he was next)
- Relapsing after 5 month once the implant dissolved.
The road to recovery
Those few long years were no doubt the toughest period of my life. I wanted out, but I didn’t know how. I had tried a few times already, and it all failed miserably.
My perspective changed when finally I got the chance to catch up with one of my closest friends who I hadn’t spoken to for a while. He had been there with me since day one, but has since quit and stayed clean for a while. After speaking to him, I could somehow tell there was no looking back for him.
I saw something in him that day which I desperately needed. Hope.
I didn’t know what I needed to do, but I knew from that moment that I wanted to be clean, for real.
I got another implant on the right side of my stomach to match the tiny scar on the left side. Deleted all the contacts I had of people who I could score off, and prepared for a week of pain and agony. I remember finally passing out after a few days trembling in a bed of my cold sweat, restless and feeling like my body was going to crawl out of my skin. I’m pretty sure I slept for 2 days straight at one stage, in and out of sleep, only getting up to drink more water or a visit to the toilet to puke my guts out.
After the physical withdrawal symptoms were done with, it was time for the real challenge. Staying off it.
Catching fire
Luckily for me, I found the Chinese Youth Society of Melbourne. A not-for-profit community that aims to promote and teach all aspects of the Chinese culture. I joined the lion dance team initially to keep my head in a clear space and have something else to focus on.
But what I was greeted with were a bunch of youth who were passionate, dedicated, and most of all, welcoming to someone whom needed a sense of community and purpose.
I saw the fire and spirit within when they performed martial arts / lion dance and it helped ignite something within myself. I went back to training every week, even after throwing up the first session.
CYSM not only helped direct me back on the right path, but what I’m most grateful for is the life long friendships that eventuated in the process. Many of them are now my closest friends and role models I needed. They are respectful, honest, caring and loyal. They showed me how beautiful life can be by following my passions, caring for each other and enjoying the little things again.
The other half of the story
Shortly after quitting, I also met a special someone who became my pillar of strength, she cared for me and kept me going when times were tough.
As most couples do, we spent hours on the phone, going out on dates and made each other laugh. I could be myself around her and that was a huge eye opener to somebody who was recovering from a downturn. For the first time in my life, I felt like I finally understood what it was like to love someone.
I’m eternally thankful she is still a part of my life through all the ups and downs. She is responsible for bringing the warmth back to the empty husk that I had become, by showing me love. She still keeps me grounded and smiling till this day and I can’t thank her enough. ♥
Being “normal”
I eventually also reignited my passion for coding when I was younger, completed my Bachelor’s at RMIT and found my way into the tech industry. I’m currently working at Xero as a Front-end Developer and loving every moment of it.
Outside of work - apart from running after my two children (can’t get enough of them), date nights with the wifey, board games & karaoke nights with friends, I still help out with CYSM when I have the time.
Why are you telling me this? TL;DR?
A friend from the same circle in my younger years recently passed away from an overdose. Because drugs had been off my mind for so long, it hit deeply and reminded me that it is still a menace and is still actively destroying people’s lives and the family around them.
So I guess I wanted to share my experiences and provide an insight from the addict’s point of view. There is a negative stigma that drug users are weak or simple-minded for getting themselves hooked onto a substance. But most of the time, it’s due to the unfortunate circumstances, lack of support around them and having the wrong influences in their lives.
I was lucky enough to have found my way, so I thought I’d share a few points based on what I’ve learnt to deal with drugs and its impact on people.
Get educated
Drugs come in many forms and will affect people in one way or another. Whether it be cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, ice, etc. Educate yourself, your children (when they are of age) about the different effects they have on the mind and body.
Many schools already have drug education as a part of the curriculum, but it is still wise to understand and to chat to your loved ones so you / they can make better decisions if ever presented with the situation.
Get supportive - sort of
If you know someone who has an addiction and want to help, I’m sorry to say but helping them won’t be an easy task. You can lecture them, drag them to rehab, tell them you love them, but ultimately it is up to them to want to quit.
Your best bet is to keep in touch, let them know you are there, and help them when they actually reach out. But be prepared for relapse, mood swings, and ungratefulness.
Patience will be tested and tears will be had. But giving up on them is the worst thing you can do. Get counselling and advice on how to approach addicts and how to manage your own emotions / expectations. It will be hard on you, but with your patience, love and support, maybe one day you will help steer them on the right path and show them something I needed during my darkest hours. Hope.
Get yo’ shit straight
If an addiction is currently ruining your life, whether it’s drugs, alcohol, gambling or computer games, and you’ve somehow stumbled upon this, kudos on taking the time to read it.
I’m not here to lecture you… wait.. scrap that, I am here to lecture you.
Your addiction is not only ruining the endless potential of the life you could be living, but you are also inflicting unnecessary worry, stress and financial burden on the people around you.
I’ve been to two friend’s funerals now, both of whom were regular drug users. One from suicide and one from an overdose. I can’t help but think the grief and suffering caused in family and friends are preventable if only they had found something else worth living for like I did.
Look within yourself and decide whether you want to keep living the way you are. Doesn’t matter whether you are 18 or 65, there will be plenty of other things in life that will make you happy again. But it’s up to you to want to find it and fight for it.
It won’t be easy. You will crumble into pieces, feel like progress is nonexistent and make up lame excuses to go back to your addiction. But don’t give up.
One day your perseverance will win and you will smile again. You will feel the warmth once more, and become your real self. Even on bad days, you know you have the courage to get through.
So whether it’s tomorrow or years down the track when you finally decide you want to give it a go - seek medical advice, counselling and support from friends and family. But most of all, find your passion and the spark that will keep you going.
Get the torch out
Thanks for reading this far and keep doing the awesome things you do.
Write your story, blog your interests, practice your beliefs and teach your passion. Maybe one day you will ignite that fire within someone too ☺
