Understanding Desire
When we are stripped of all that we think we are, but find that we still remain, we are forced to reconsider what it means to be. What remains may be suffering, but even in that is some victory, as what no longer exists can’t suffer. Even as the suffering subsides, the echo of that dark question lingers. We do our best to create distractions for ourselves, in part because this is what we are told by our society that we are expected to do, and in part because it’s easier to distract ourselves than to look inward. The relationships, the jobs, the hobbies, even the little joys and dramas of life, all serve to occupy our conscious and unconscious thought helping us to pretend that the deepest question worth asking isn’t really that important.
What are we?
Yes, we are creatures with bodies, brains, limbs, and senses. But this does not seem like a sufficient domain to answer the question.
We are what connects to things. We connect to others, to ideas, to stuff, and to action. Connections are not in and of themselves good or bad, or right or wrong, they are merely the medium with which we relate to the world around us. Imagine yourself standing in the center of a large field. Place around yourself those things you are most connected with — your family, your faith, your job, or whatever else that may be. Now, a bit further away, place other things you are connected with. Continue this process until the connections are are so tenuous that its difficult to imagine them. We are at the center of this arrangement, connected to all of it, but all of it not being the entirety of what exists. There are still things in the world we are not connected to.
Now trace lines of connection radiating out from yourself. See how much of what you are connected to is also connected to each other. We exist in the center of this network of connections, and are defined by this network of connections. If we were to severe our connections — remove ourselves from this field — the field and all of its contents would still exist, but would no longer be connected to us. If we are disconnected from everything we effectively no longer exist.
That many of these connections are choices may surprise some. It is true that some connections come to us as birthright, but even many of these we can decide to remain connected to or not. For those connections we can’t escape, we can still decide how to feel about them, even if we cannot change them.
If without connections there is not existence, it is then that through connections we matter. It is because they matter that their severance creates suffering. The value of the connection is directly proportional to the amount of suffering the connection being broken will cause. There is no way to create connections without becoming reliant upon them by way of black mail. Regardless of the value they actually convey, the fear of the connection being broken can trap us.
It is different to find value in a connection then to avoid pain by ensuring that connection is maintained. This essential difference is everything.
If instead of the language of connections we use the language of desire, these thoughts take on new impact. We are defined by the desires we have, in that when we desire something we can become careless and give that desire a power over us. Wanting for its own sake is very different than wanting to avoid the suffering that comes from not having it.
Desire, in and of itself, is not the source of the suffering. The suffering comes from the loss of something you desire. Don’t hold desire accountable for this. Desire can be abused, when we let the fear of suffering scare us into maintaining desires that no longer provide their own inherent value.
We can define desire in the affirmative or the negative. The affirmative is to want a thing that exists. The negative is to want something to NOT cease to exist. These are different, even if they might sound the similar. Loving a spouse and wanting them to stay is different than wanting them to stay because you want to avoid the suffering of them leaving.
Defining a desire in the negative is more commonly thought of as fear. Fear is itself the reluctance to face the suffering that comes from losing something.
But whether we define desire in the affirmative or the negative, we are not shielded from the suffering when we lose that which we desire. Defining desire in the negative, or living in fear, robs the suffering of its positive power in our lives. Understanding desire in its affirmative gives suffering a purpose, as the teacher that helps us grow and become more.
Consider the last time you were afraid of something, but despite your efforts it inexorably drew closer and closer. If you are afraid of flying, and know you will be taking a flight soon, you experience fear every single moment up until the flight. But this fear was not because of flying, because you haven’t even boarded the plan yet. You are afraid of the fear you haven’t experienced yet. If we were to quantify fear, compare the combined fear of the flight leading up to it with the actual fear during the flight, and often you will find that the fear of the fear is actually much more significant than the fear itself.
When we experience fear, or suffering, and not the fear of fear, we are more able to learn from it. Suffering is how we learn, how we come to understand what truly matters. A life with no suffering is a life with nothing worth suffering for. We can accept that suffering is inevitable, should we live a life with desire, and still not let the fear of that suffering overpower us.
Some people are lucky enough to have never really suffered. Others that are even more lucky have. We don’t crave suffering, nor do we normally seek it out, but in its happening lies the greatest opportunities for growth.
Without connection, without desire, we may as well not exist. To exist then is to have connection, and to exist intentionally is to foster stronger more impactful connections. We are that which lives through desire. At our best we relish it, knowing that with desire comes suffering, and then when suffering does arrive, growth is the outcome. Growth increases our capacity to desire, creating a virtually limitless cycle of expansion (limited only by our mortality). When we deny our desire we cut ourselves off from that cycle, becoming stagnant, or even shrinking in our humanity.
Being clear with ourselves is important to ensure that we uncover the parts of our lives that are lived in the affirmative or the negative. Having negatively defined desires does not doom us. Identifying the places in our lives where we fear fear gives us the knowledge of where we need to be more intentional. As both thinking and feeling creatures we need to be deliberate about training our fear of fear out of our lives. But how?
Having come this far you are already headed down a likely path of success. The first step is to understand that desire itself is not the culprit. That denying desire is not the answer we seek, as it cuts us off from the very tools existence has given us to improve, that is, the lessons that suffering teaches us. The second step is to understand the difference between affirmative desires and negative desires. We cannot reduce our fear of fear until we can name it as the desire of not losing something.
Next takes more then mere understanding. The third step is to identify examples in your life, so far, where suffering did not destroy you (that you are engaging in this exercise means you are not yet destroyed, so any suffering you have endured is sufficient for this). From these examples, as the fourth step, identify times when suffering lead to growth. One need not connect all suffering to clear and obvious growth, but merely any example is sufficient to demonstrate that growth through suffering is possible (even if you don’t yet see that all growth comes through suffering).
The fifth step is one of determination. It is as simple as deciding that suffering will be used as a tool for personal improvement. This does not in any way diminish the suffering, nor does it, importantly, seek to avoid the suffering. It is merely about making a conscious effort to let the next experience of suffering wash over you, knowing that through this crucible you will come out having grown. Opening up ourselves to the power of suffering lets the suffering hit us cleanly, with less chance to be explained away, minimized, or avoided. Without this openness and intentionality around suffering we get less benefit from suffering, as we cover the parts of ourselves that needed the lesson to be learned in the first place.
Now we are ready for the next step. In this step we identify the parts of our lives that we fear fear, those desires we have that are defined in the negative, and choose one to be faced head on. The fear can be a small one, and when just starting down this path, likely should be. As we are learning the skills to reframing our existence into affirmative desires we can find small victories that build within us the courage and faith to tackle more significant challenges.
With a negative desire clearly in mind, let your thinking and feeling mind consider the scenarios that could arise should the fear be realized. Remind yourself this is just a though experiment, and that you are safe within your own thoughts. Remind yourself that you are choosing to face down this fear, having faith that the fear of the fear is very often much worse than the fear itself. As if telling the story, see the situation through to several possible conclusions, based on some key assumptions that could vary in foreseeable ways.
As how vaccines inoculate the body, by giving it enough of a bad thing for the body to practice dealing with it, so to does this step allow you to practice the skills needed to face your fear of fear. If the exercise proves too much, forgive yourself enough to back off and pause, firm in the promise that you will pick the effort back up later. This is not avoiding the exercise, it is taking a break to let the newly forming muscles rest. With repeated practice your skills in facing your fears will grow and grow, allowing you to face larger and more consequential fears.
Importantly, this step is not about seeking out suffering. While learning not to fear fear we also need to not come to deify it. Like an athlete that must train enough to be strong for competition, but not so much as to be unable to compete, we must find our own balance in this effort.
The final step is to turn the fear of fear around, by identifying the affirmative desire within the negative desire and truly embracing it. Instead of desiring that your spouse doesn’t leave you, find within you the desire to stay with your spouse. Or, as alternatively, find within you the desire to have companionship, facing the truth that perhaps your current companion isn’t the best version of this desire. Discover the affirmative desire that resonates within you, and remind yourself of it every time the fear of fear begins to peak through. Allow yourself to pursue the affirmative desire as fully as you need to, accepting the possible consequences as necessary steps towards your true desire. Instead of being captured by the negative desire, experience how freeing it is to be fully in affirmative desire.
Repeat the entire process as you find within you the ways that you are still living with the fear of fear. Not only will doing so bring you more and more into affirmative desire, it will build within you the skills and muscles needed to better identify and deal with negative desires for the rest of your life. Where once the fear of fear may have paralyzed you, over time you will find that you can forgive yourself this moment of weakness, but are more than capable of overcoming it.
The more we live our lives in affirmative desire, accepting the suffering that this opens us up to, the richer, larger, and real our lives become. We can ride this upward cycle for our entire lives, ensuring that the moment our lives end is the most alive moment of our existence.
We are beings of affirmative and negative desires. Knowing that we have agency in how our desires are framed gives our lives meaning. Our purpose is to rise beyond the primal fear of fear. Our very best selves is not living to avoid suffering, but in living with desires that enrich us, in part through the suffering that is an inherent consequence of desire.