The reason why

I cannot possibly rely on anyone, or anything

Not so long ago, I was suffering from a complicated mental disability, that I am sure everyone has experienced at least once, called, “depression.” I did not talk to anyone about this issue until I resolved it myself. The reason why I did not talk to anyone was quite simple: I somehow knew that no one would take me seriously. I deeply understand why people with depression need professional help rather than getting help from others around them. It is because, while people around are trying their best to help, they are not doing the “right way.” Although I am still not aware of how to “fix” this mental issue as I am not a psychiatrist or therapist yet, I understand both why people with depression don’t think people around them are helping and why people around them cannot help them despite of their effort. If I was to explain this into easier context, it is because depressed people imprison themselves in a dark sphere of guilt and sadness that is located deep in their soul; those who are trying to help are not aware of this fact, assuming it is in the range of their ability to help, leading them to forcefully dig up open wound with a shovel and unconsciously carving more scars.

Happened to me in the past. As far as I remember, because my emotions were repressed, my family did not know how to even reach my heart. If it is so difficult for my family, is it possible for my friends to reach my heart? I doubted. I had a loved one and tried to discuss with her instead, however, not only she was not able to lend me a hand, she thought I was “not masculine,” therefore she left my sight. I had to help myself. I told myself that. My resolution was to become stronger, by halting to rely on anything and anyone. Then my life became a lot better and dragging depression spells vanished. Resolution also helped me to accept my existence as well as my actions. In order to become successful, I had to make some sacrifices, which were my social life, freedom, and greed.

Getting rid of social life lead me to complete solitude, which I started to feel comfort in. I’ve learned that solitude is important in order to organize whatever that was wondering in my head mindlessly. While taking away my own freedom sounds a bit absurd, I meant by restricting my actions by living in a life at the edge financially. This is tough. Very tough because I don’t have money to do anything but to study or read, however, it pulled me back on track everytime I derailed. Last but not least, greed. I’ve always thought there is no good in being materialistic, so my solution was to become phenomenalist, which is one of a psychology perspective where ultimately, only mind exists. This made me see the world in only black and white (not literally), which helped me differentiate what is necessary and what is not. It even changed my eating habit to healthy diet, by ignoring discontent taste and only thinking about nutrition within. However, the only and extreme disadvantage of these actions is that my emotions are hopelessly getting more and more repressed.

None of the people around me know about the fact that my emotions are repressed to this extent. The only reason is that I always keep my “masks of personalities” to conceal my naked skin that is highly socially unacceptable. Therefore they never noticed about my depression, or the reason why I disappeared from their sight as soon as I have started to go to school, or what I am thinking normally, or what are my favorite food, or what are my favorite colors, or what are my favorite songs, or anything. No one knows about me. Which explains why I am very low key, not popular or famous, and the fact that I attract many people: because my existence is a pure mystery.

I could explain this matter in another post. But now that I’ve explained the gist of my existence, the reason why I cannot rely on anyone or anything is that if I do, then that action would reverse my efforts and put me back to the starting point, which means my efforts will be in vain and it would show that I did not learn my lesson, or grow up, or change in any way. Also if I rely on anyone, then I am prone to feel betrayed sooner or later because human beings are not pure. Human beings lie, cheat, snitch, hold grudge, hold jealousy, harm anything in any possibly way for their own good. That is, exactly what human beings are. And if I had to choose to live my life around those cruel bio-weapons to feel less lonely, or in solitude and become successful alone, I would always choose to live in solitude and become successful alone.