What I Think about When I Think about Addiction

9 Hard Years and 1 Beautiful Insight

I drink and drug to escape the circumstances of life. I work a soul-sucking job to make not-enough money to pay the hyper-annoying bills in order to be a “productive member of society”. It doesn’t matter that society is broken, that is life and that is what I must do. At least I have drinks and drugs make the cluster fuck a little less intolerable.

Or, this is what I liked to tell myself while using and, in fact, well into my sobriety. It took approximately 5 years of sobriety to realize that this thread of reasoning is false and highly corrosive.

The real reason I drink and drug is to escape my inability to properly process the circumstances of life. If I don’t like the work and the money and the bills, I need to figure out the source of my discontent and the search for suitable, less self-destructive way, to participate in society. It doesn’t matter that society is broken, I have found my life and that is what I must do. At least I have health and happiness to make the cluster fuck irrelevant.

Now, the fun part.

If the source of my discontent is not circumstance but my inability to process circumstance, I must find the source of my procedural dysfunction. I need to locate the single point in my timeline that sent my otherwise well-adjusted life, psyche sideways.

My greatest dysfunction: fear.

I am afraid because I am insecure. I am insecure because I am inferior. I am inferior because other people are better than me. Other people are better than me because they do cool shit. They do cool shit because they are confident. They are confident because they are smart. They are smart because they take risks. They take risks because they know it’s okay to fail. They know it’s okay to fail because they are loved. They are loved because love themselves. They love themselves because…because they are pretty, pretty snowflakes and completely unique and utterly outstanding in every way that makes them uniquely them.

Now, this may be a stretch, but if they are confident, smart, risk takers that do cool shit because they love themselves, I can be a confident, smart, snowflake that does cool shit if only I love me.

When I love me I don’t need to escape. When I don’t need to escape I don’t need drinks and drugs. When I don’t need drinks and drugs I accept the circumstances of life. When I accept the circumstances of life I accept me. When I accept me I am infinitely capable of doing cool shit, being confident, and taking risks.

The answer to drinks and drugs, my inability to process the circumstances of life, is to eliminate fear and embrace love and acceptance.

My greatest function: love and acceptance.

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