Letter From a Dead White Man: “I’m Sorry”

Like many Americans, I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the news on November 9th, 2016. Donald J. Trump elected 45th President of the United States.

I laid motionless in the grave where I’ve been for most of eternity. I wanted to scream. I wanted to march on Washington. But I died in 1836. So I decided to speak out on behalf of dead white men everywhere and say what needs to be said.

I’m sorry. Damn, that feels good to say.

I’m sorry that the patriarchy we created and instilled in our culture, prevailed as we intended it to. I’m sorry that “we the people” decided to honor our tradition of electing a racist, misogynistic, white man to the highest office in this country. I’m sorry that all of western thought and literature is based on things guys like me said when we were high on opium. My creed contributed to the culture that let this happen. But if I could still stand, I’d stand on the right side of history.

Donald Trump is not my president. John Quincy Adams was my president.

Look, I get it. I’m privileged. I’m white, I’m male, I’m heterosexual, and I’m deceased. Why should what I have to say about this election mean anything to you? To that I say, what I have to say has always mattered and always will. And for that, I’m sorry.

I know it may seem queer that I’m apologizing on behalf of all dead white guys. I mean, we’re not all the same. And not that there’s anything wrong with queer. But in a time like this, or anytime really, I must let my voice be heard.

I admit am fearful of what lies ahead for our great country. I know many men like me think we’ve lived through far worse already. But the problem with “we survived the plague” is that many people did not. That was kind of the whole thing about it.

With Inauguration Day less than a month away, all I know for sure is that things won’t change for me in Trump’s America. I’m sorry because this election does not affect me like it affects you. Mostly because I’m literally dead.

The Higgs Weldon is a humor website with funny stories, articles, cartoons, and one liners. It was started by the Los Angeles stand-up comedy community, but takes submissions from everybody. Please read and enjoy our jokes!


Originally published at thehiggsweldon.com on December 15, 2016.

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