The Parents of All Conspiracy Theories

Just Couldn’t Resist the Picture, Could You?

Ethan, the older, and presumably wiser of the two young calves, had a conversation with younger half sister Little Princess the day she was born.

“New here, right?” he asked.

“Meh,” she answered.

Little P looked at mom for guidance. Mom was busy licking LP’s butt. LP looked back at Ethan.

“Meeeeeh,” she said, with a little more confidence.

“Since you’ve only been around for a few hours, at least outside your safe haven, let me tell you what I’ve learned about this crazy place we are now residents of. Brace yourself; it’s quite a tail,” said Ethan.

LP swatted hers at mom’s tongue. Mom ignored her and kept cleaning.


“So, shortly before the two leggers sent Dad and Danny off to have to deal with the tyrant known as Pony the Worthless Horse, Dan and I had a long talk. He told me of things, such things as you simply cannot believe, that happened last year. That was while you and I were still safely tucked away, in our havens inside our moms.

“You will soon understand that your mom was once Boss Cow here on the ranch. Even Dad gave way to her. There wasn’t any of this weird ‘election’ or ‘campaign’ stuff involved. Your mom just stepped up years ago and declared herself Boss. Oh, my mom argued a few times, but in the end, she and your mom worked together to keep the herd safe, fed and productive. But my mom always bowed to yours in any decision. Your mom was the dictator, and her word, right or wrong, was the law. No one was allowed to question her authority, nor her decisions.

“But there was Stevie the cow that your mom was close too, even closer than she was with my mom. Stevie was always hanging around our moms when they were making decisions, deciding the pecking order, and issuing orders to the rest of the herd. Danny said that Stevie didn’t much care for his grandma, Misty but didn’t pick fights with her, just always pushed Misty into starting trouble in the herd, telling your mom that Misty was the one who pushed over the portable feeder, when it was Stevie who did it, at night.

“Your mom got to believing Stevie, and telling everyone that Misty was a problem, a troublemaker. There was even talk of banishing Misty from the herd unless she started toeing the line.

“Stevie kept telling Misty to do more and more bad things, showing her how to be sneaky about it. Stevie also told her not to worry, that she knew who was the FBI (Fractious Bovine Investigators) snitch assigned to her, and that she would take care of him for Misty, so that she could do her bad things without fear of being snitched on.

“Stevie used that snitch to find out what Misty was going to do next, but kept quiet about it. She simply planted more and more awful suggestions for the snitch to pass along to Misty. Since Stevie had told Misty not to worry, that she would take care of the snitch, Misty kept upping her game at the urging of the snitch. And, the snitch thought that Stevie was telling your mom all the things that Misty was doing or planning to that he had told her, but Stevie kept it all to herself.

“In the meantime, Stevie had earned your mom’s trust to the point that some of the herd started to wonder if Stevie was making a play for the Boss Cow position. But Stevie and your mom assured them that the rumour was just the feathery ones playing a dangerous game. My mom pretty much stayed out of the way of everything.

“Then came the summer day that Misty crossed the line, and busted a hole in the fence, knocked out the power, and started a fire by kicking over the barbecue up at the two legger’s barn. There was a big group of two leggers up there celebrating some sort of day where they waved pieces of cloth and the night sky got all lit up by big, colorful explosions. Two leggers were hurt, and some even butchered by Misty. Your mom was horrified and very, very angry. “See??!?” she mooed at the top of her lungs. “Stevie and I knew that this was going to happen! We told everyone, but all of you just turned your backs on us, and protected her, supported her right to be a part of our herd! We were right! A major attack, right here on our home ranch!!”

“There was chaos and noises such as I hope we never get to hear in our lifetimes, sister. But, it seems that the snitch knew far more than your mom thought. Stevie had been telling him bad things about your mom, how she was crazy, and bringing in the feathery ones to back her stories up. The snitch and the feathery ones got the entire herd together, and told their tale. “No!” they mooed in outraged indignation. “Too far! This time, Boss Cow, you’ve gone too far! Out you must go, out into the pasture, and let Stevie take over as Boss Cow! She knew what was going on! All you did was moo! SHE tried to tell us, but we listened to YOU, because YOU WERE THE BOSS!”

“Stevie walked up to your mom, who was really angry and mooing loudly about being framed, but no one was listening. They were all chanting “Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!” and “This Time Really Make The Pasture Great Again!”

“My mom didn’t say anything. She was happy to let Stevie take over as BC. She was still second in command. Your mom marched off, still bellowing, to her barn. Stevie immediately banished Misty to an island ranch far away, where she was fed corn until she died of bloat, all the while telling her captors about Stevie and proclaiming her innocence. But, no one listened, because they all thought Stevie was the hero.”

“Meh?” asked LP.

“Oh yeah, there’s a story for you. See, the feathery ones finally stopped pecking on each other and telling lies, and bowing down to Stevie. They finally got up the courage to start telling the herd the truth about Stevie, and Misty, and your mom. And, because they kept telling the herd the truth, eventually, even the most cynical ones among them started to believe the feathery ones. They had banished the flock members who squawked and clucked the lies and fake stories, and when the bravest among them found out that Stevie could only bellow at them, couldn’t stop them because of The Paper, they all started telling everyone exactly what was going on.”

“Meheh?”

“You’ll learn about The Paper when you’re old enough. It’s that piece of paper, framed up on the wall of the barn. It not only lists the fat, ash, TDM (total digestible matter) and protein content, it also guarantees them. Basically, not even your mom can violate that piece of paper without the herd getting her in trouble.”

“Meeehmeh?”

“Well, after the feathered ones got the truth out, Stevie was locked up in a pen. Later, the big silver box that glides over the grass came, the two leggers pushed her into it, and it went away. When it came back, it was empty. Your mom was back to being BC, but now she was much wiser. To this day, she allows cows of any colour or sex, eunuchs and freemartins, to be a part of the herd and not one cow had better say a word about it or else the big silver box makes them disappear.”

“Meh meh meeeeeh?”

“The snitch? Well, I’m told that there is, up at the two legger’s barn, a white box that is cold beyond cold, and that is now where he is, wrapped up in white paper. Every summer the two leggers gather at the barn they rebuilt, and celebrate that awful day with a barbecue.”

“Meh!”

“Hey, you’re pretty smart for a newborn girl, sister!”


My most humble apologies to my cows named herein, and for any lasting psychological damage caused by them being used in place of certain current political doofus’ .

See what happens when it’s too wet to go out and play in the dirt?

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